» Scary Neighbours

Upstairs Downstairs
I've got crazy neighbours above and below.

Above: an alcoholic, sexually frustrated former athlete whose always having screaming rows with her daughter (who i've never seen, only heard). My mate Mike now lodges with her, he's a brave man...altho he has stolen a tank or two in his time so i'm not sure who the real mentalist is.

Below: eccentric, mental, emotionally detached artist who sometimes uses his penis instead of a brush who is very good at designing banners.

Its an strange mix, but we all get on ok :)

Worried about length? Then skip to the end...
(Fri 26th Aug 2005, 16:35, More)

» Neighbours

I guess I can just stick this back in here then
My flatmate Daisy and I have got crazy neighbours above and below.

Above: an alcoholic, sexually frustrated former athlete whose always having screaming rows with her daughter (who i've never seen, only heard). My mate Mike now lodges with her, he's a brave man...altho he has stolen a tank or two in his time so i'm not sure who the real mentalist is.

Below: eccentric, mental, emotionally detached artist who sometimes uses his penis instead of a brush and is very good at designing banners.

Its an strange mix, but we all get on ok :)

Worried about length? Then skip to the end...
(Fri 2nd Oct 2009, 6:17, More)

» Voyeurism

Well handy
There was a story in my local rag a few years ago about a 'gentleman' who was up in court on an indecency charge, because a lady who worked as a cleaner was on her way to work early one morning and said she saw him standing naked by his window fwapping away for anyone who happened to be passing by. Perhaps not that dangerous at 5am.

He got off (the charge...) by proving that he was right-handed. She said he'd been using his left...

.

I will add however that the reason I remember this story is because the man is a genius. I'll explain:

First of all, I'm right-handed and I generally use my left for the old knuckle shuffle (that's all you need to know). But the genius part is that no lawyer/judge/person is ever going to stand up court and dispute his argument!! How could they prove it? By admitting they can use both hands!? Kudos sir, you dirty buggar.
(Mon 15th Oct 2007, 17:02, More)

» The Boss

I don't know if this counts
but have it anyway.

This is the story of a stag night an old boss of mine told me. He was a good 20 years older than me at the time, but loved to regale me with tales of his wild and excessive younger days - mostly shagging and drinking - with a divorce and the failing of a promising football career thrown in.

The stag night was in his home town of Paisley I believe. Paisley - Scotland's smelly, methadone addicted armpit. Anyway, it was a typical, cliched, unoriginal boys stag night. They got really drunk, went to some strip clubs, possibly a brothel, and just got up to crap mischief.

Then, the climax (possibly an unfortunate choice of word) of the evening...what to do with the stag? Now, a blow up doll had been bought either for or during the evening, and a plan was conceived.

First, he was stripped. Then, tied to a lamppost. Ho ho ho very original I hear you say. Well, they had a plan. The doll was then tied to the stag and he was left to it. What's so funny about you say?

Well.

He wasn't just tied _to it_ he was also placed...um...inside it. Yes dear reader, he was given an erection, which was manhandled (eek) into the doll's hole...and he was left there. In the street. Erect. Inside a blow-up doll.

Now. 3 questions come to mind when I think about this story, and I asked them at the time, and to this day they remain unanswered.

1 - Who the chuffing fuck came up with the "give him a hard-on" idea!?
2 - How must he have felt when he became aroused by one of his drunken mates wanking him off in the street??
3 - Who the CUNTING FUCK volunteered to do it to him!!??

There will be no blow-up dolls at my stag...and neither will this old boss. Thank you for your time.
(Thu 25th Jun 2009, 1:26, More)

» Unemployed

Does being on strike count?
I worked for the Benefits Agency when it was merged with the Job Centre to form Job Centre Plus or whatever it's called now.

In protest, our union called a strike. Intolerable working conditions I believe they called it, mainly because our offices were largely becoming open plan and we didn't want to be attacked by mental junkies. (if you've ever been to the town I'm from, this is a genuine concern, not even just in the Benefits Agency).

So, we went on strike. IT LASTED SIX MONTHS.

Mainly because the union paid us 85% of our gross salary.

So I was MAKING MORE MONEY being on strike than being at work, and all I had to do was show up at the picket line a couple of mornings a week (which was only there from 7:30 - 9:30 when the staff were starting work by the way) - and I had the rest of the week to myself. Fucking right I kept voting to extend the strike.

Then, when we went back, we got tax rebates. I got about six hundred quid.

Result.
(Fri 3rd Apr 2009, 14:46, More)