» Heckles

T in the Park last year.
Foo Fighters. Can't stand them.

Dave Grohl plucks two strings, crowd squeals, and he stops. "Nah, that's all your getting", he says, a grin plastered over his gormless face.

Silence.

"Just get on with it, you wanker!" I cry.

Pregnant pause. Nasty glares.

"AND GET A FUCKING HAIRCUT."

Apologies for nothing!
(Sat 8th Apr 2006, 2:51, More)

» Now, there was no need for that...

Rabbit
I was ten, we bought a rabbit. We called it "Buffy the Carrot Slayer" because I thought that was extremely witty... Big fluffy black rabbit it was, floppy ears, the works.
Several weeks after buying it, I returned home (alone, as was the style at the time) to find Buffy solid as a rock and cold as a... Erm, a dead rabbit... As I was a sensitive (pathetic) chld, this made me despair, and I was sniffling for days.

Now, our rabbit shrugged off the mortal coil at a time when one of the final season of a particular popular undead-killing female's series was soon to begin... The character in question having died near the end of the previous season. As long-running series often need to retain the main character to continue appealing to their fans, she was, of course, being brought back to life, so on the night of poor Buffy the Carrot Slayer's demise, I turned on the TV to zone out for a while, to be instantly treated to a Sky One advert, declaring:

BUFFY LIVES!
(Fri 17th Jun 2005, 8:45, More)

» Hidden Treasure

You're all so materialistic.
I, on the other hand, found enlightenment - the most hidden and worthy of all treasures.

Several minutes later I discovered all I was doing was staring at the sun, and I could smell my retinas burning
(Thu 30th Jun 2005, 17:44, More)

» Misunderstood

I hate using the phone.
Calling up a mate for the first time, I was unaware that he was named after his father.

Otopski: "Hey, can I speak to Robert G?"
Father: "Speaking."
Otopski: "Err... [pause] Robert G?"
Father: "Yes, who is speaking?"
Otopski: [Utterly confused] "Uhh... Otopski... Are you sure you're Robert G?"
Father: [impatient] "Look, what is this about?"
Otopski: [whimpering] "I just want to talk to Robert..."
Father: "Oh, are you calling for my son?"

Parents who name their kids after themselves are cunts.

Edit: Oh crap, I've just remembered, in the same vein as Equalizor's post... Phoning up my girlfriend, apologising and generally blubbering. This continuing for about a minute until I hear the bemused words from girlfriend's mother "...Do you want to speak to L?"

Damn their identical voices!
(Sun 9th Oct 2005, 14:28, More)

» The last thing that made me cry

I'm a hard man, no, really.
Aside from that nasty week after breaking up with t'girlfriend, the last time I cried properly was back when the hostages were being decapitated further east, at least when the media was covering them.
I was sitting in a classroom, and I heard a murmur of conversation behind me. A pack of chavs were snickering and passing around a scrap of paper that apparently had the link to one of the uploaded videos of one of those unfortunate hostages. I mean, I was perfectly aware of the many videos circling the electric internet of the executions, though I hadn't sought one out, out of respect rather than squeamishness. These people had families, and lives of their own. And I could hear these chavs tittering about how blunt the knife was, and how much the victims screamed. It pissed me off so much, I kept quiet though. Later that day, I was alone, and I just sort of broke down and wept for the state of human decency... So angsty. I'm sure karma will rear its head and kick the shit out of those scum at some point.

First post evar, apologies for length. And girth. And those little weird growths, don't worry about them.
(Fri 15th Apr 2005, 23:26, More)