» Jobsworths

School Teacher
Good perk in being a high school teacher...

When you catch the students smoking in the grounds of the school, hey presto! free fags for you and your teacher friends. You can also threaten to tell their parents that they smoke... but a quiet "favour" from them behind the old bike sheds after school can always help to keep the smoking business quiet from their parents.
(Wed 18th May 2005, 0:55, More)

» Nightclubs

Eating the floor....
is the only way to describe what it must have looked like i was doing a split second after the inevitable slip on spilled drinks.

Out with old work mates one saturday night at local club in glasgow. Its my round, i've had a good few drinks now, feeling quite merry but far from being rat-arsed.

Being the nice guy that i am, i buy everyone a drink and carry the six wee plastic glasses of joy back from the bar on my own as said work mates continue their dancing ways.

Just as i make eye contact with the group, i start to slip on the dancefloor, try to regain my balance only to over-correct myself and end up going head first onto the nice hard wet floor. I never let go off those drinks during the whole thing and managed to save them - what a guy eh?

Well, i should have let them go and just bought another round as it would have allowed me to put my hands out and prevent what did happen - 2 of my front teeth ended up rattling around in my mouth.... bloody and very sore. Naturally i spat them out.

The next few days before seeing the dentist - as it was a weekend - was one of the most unbearable weekends of my life. Everytime i breathed, the air went over the nerve endings of my broken teeth and it hurt like hell. Eating and drinking was a challenge to say the least.

Now i have to be careful when eating ice-cream or drinking from drinks with ice in them as it can cause the now fake part of my new teeth to freeze up and crack, then when they warm up again they can fall out... very sexy in a club.

I don't like nightclubs anymore.

On the plus side, i think i invented a new dance move with the over-correcting balancing act i performed that night. Silver lining and all that.
(Thu 9th Apr 2009, 17:23, More)

» When animals attack...

Round at my friends...
when i was about 14, we had just finished watching a dvd and were chucking the padding from his couch and chairs at each other - recreating the war movie we just watched... but in a slightly milder version. Anyway, i am more of a dog person really (sorry B3ta)... actually thinking about it, B3ta will hate this for their love of cats... anyway, yeah so... my friend had no padding left to throw, so he started on cushons... and then.. yes, he did it... he lifted his cat from the floor and threw the thing right at me....

Well, if it wasnt for my quick thinking, both myself and the cat would have been harmed, luckily, i thought quick and only the cat got harmed.

I swivelled to the left and what can only be described as me 'volleying' the cat across the room and over the back of another couch.

But, everyone knows cats always land on their feet - so im sure it was fine really.

This story is infact entirely true (unless you are reading this and also a member of the RSPCA)

Toodles.
(Fri 3rd Jun 2005, 2:57, More)

» Petty Sabotage

My parents told me...
...that when i was a baby (i dont remember the incident) our oven in the kitchen downstairs, blew up, while i was fast asleep in my cot upstairs. Apparently i had managed to work an aerosol can to the back of the oven and when my mum went to cook dinner that night... it didnt take long and BOOM!

On a plus, the oven was old and they got a nice new one from the insurance.
(Fri 6th May 2005, 18:23, More)

» The last thing that made me cry

Hmm...
An onion... they can be so mean to me at times.
(Thu 14th Apr 2005, 16:08, More)