b3ta.com user nowhere.elysium
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i get bored very easily. entertain me.
one day, i will create something good for this bit. but first, i must finish my site.

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Best answers to questions:

» Jobsworths

desperately wish i'd been there for this one, but i know it's true, because there were witnesses.

anyhoo; one of my best mates has (unsurprisingly enough) a car. he also happens to look about 12. (sorry steve)
driving along, as you do, when a police car pulls him over. this car's got four coppers in it, and steve guesses what's coming at this point;
copper: "you know why i've pulled you over, right?"
steve: "um... could be that i don't look old enough, right?"
copper: "yep. you got your license and registration, then?" (clearly expecting to have trapped some chav joyrider at this point...)
steve: *long drawn out sigh* "yes. here y'are"
copper: "oh. bugger. right you are, then"

the copper passes it back to steve trying not to lose too much face in the process. this was not helped by one of the other coppers in the car sticking their head out of the window and yelling "so you'll be eating that hat, then?"

heh. sounds minor, but quite satisfying...
(Fri 13th May 2005, 23:08, More)

» When animals attack...

the animal didn't attack, per se, but here goes...
this story's been passed down throughout my family for the past 3 decades now... when my mum was still dating my dad, she had to survive the obligatory 'visiting the soon-to-be mother in law'. so... sitting in the living room, making absolutely fucking minute talk, as opposed the normally uncomfortable small talk, you see, and my dad lets off a fart. not particulalrty loud, so no-one comments.

however, the dog was sitting under a chair around this time, and decides to come out form its hiding place. it takes one sniff of the air, looks around accusingly, and vomits hugely in the middle of the carpet.
(Sat 4th Jun 2005, 19:03, More)

» Petty Sabotage

once, i managed to get hold of a can of shaving foam and had access to a large canister of liquid nitrogen. put the can of shaving foam in the nitrogen, pull it out with tongs, and use a pair of pliers to remove the metal. et voila! you have some shaving foam without the can. pretty boring, you may think...

go put it in someone's car glovebox. wait for it to thaw.
i really fucking hated that teacher, with his poncey jag.

(Wed 4th May 2005, 23:40, More)

» Heckles

the best i've ever encountered was at abou two in the morning, driving to beckton. at the (fucking vast) branch of tescos there, there's one of those petrol signs up by the turnoff to the gallion's reach centre. replacing the numbers on said sign, the person that was last in control of it had changed them to read as 'rob is a cunt'.
(Wed 12th Apr 2006, 22:50, More)

» Now, there was no need for that...

surgical fun
well, i'm fairly lucky in that i've avoided any major operations, but here goes -
whe i was six, i managed to get a serious gash to the head, so got rushed to hospital. you'd think that a 6-year-old with a large, bloody head wound would warrant some attention, wouldn't you? well, eight hours later, i finally did...
of course, when a 6-year-old child wih a big head wound is screaming like a mentalist because he's shit scared of needles, you'd just put him out with anaesthetic, wouldn't you? no, the cunts decide to make my parents sit on me, to keep me still. fortunately, i got a local anaesthetic for that one...
when i was twelve, similar thing happened in france. slipped over in a swimming pool, gashed my head on a stone step. hurt like fuck, it did. so - they get a surprisingly efficient french doctor out to see me, who turns up in about four minutes (i did say efficient). takes one look at my wound, brings a vodka over from the bar (about 10 yards away). i'm thinking 'ok - the alcohols gonna clean that up nicely, but it'll sting lika a cnut'. anyways, he bolts the vodka down, whips a needle and thread out, and starts stitching. bear in mind, that i was an overweight ginger 12-year-old boy, wearing speedos. a crowd gathered for that one. fucking french scavengers. scum, the lot of 'em.
fuck length.
(Fri 17th Jun 2005, 21:05, More)
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