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» I'm going to Hell...

Jamie 1-0 University Christian Union
I'm not a fan of godbotherers, especially the evangelical ones. Saying that, the Bible does advocate wanking. Seriously. Psalms 16:11 says "In your right hand there are pleasures forever".

So when a friend moved in with her boyfriend and got booted out by the CU who accused her of a lack of judgement because her boyfriend is an immoral heathen so and so I went ballistic and demanded a hearing of the University's Student Union executive.

Each side put their argument forward to the executive. I went after the godbotherers.

Wearing my Black Sabbath long sleeved shirt I went Jamie 3:16 (to quote Jack Regan "I'll kick your arse up to your shoulderblades") on the CU arguing a) that the CU hadn't even met the guy before casting wrong judgement on him and b) this completely and lubelessly buttfucks the "equality for all" policy the SU had. In light of this the CU must be suspended from the SU until they have lifted their ban on my friend, rewritten their constitution in line with the equality for all policy and proven themselves able to work in line with the SU regulations.

The decision was a no-brainer. The CU were suspended with immediate effect. They were stunned and could not believe the decision. They left saying that they "would pray about this".

Two days later an apology was forthcoming to my friend but it took quite a while longer for the rewrite to happen.

One of the executive was heard in the bar afterwards saying "What balls wearing that top and taking on the CU!"

Well, I am the guy who used to ask the CU guitarists who sang little songs outside Rock Society meetings if they'd play "Angel Of Death" or "South Of Heaven" for us when the jukebox was broken...
(Thu 11th Dec 2008, 18:12, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

PC is a fucking computer not a brainwashing programme!
Having just spent nearly nine years working in a politically correct environment I have one of several real life and true examples to share here.

Shortly after a private conversation with a colleague in which I mentioned writing someone's name in my little black book, I was summoned into a director's office and accused of using offensive language.

I pressed this director for the language used and he said "little black book". I took my small black notebook from my pocket and slammed it down on the desk in front of him.

"You mean this? In which I write the names of people who have pissed me off through stupid behaviour and will make formal complaints about?"

I then opened it and wrote his name in it.

"So you find it acceptable that staff listen in on private conversations? And you also seem to care little for the requirement for a witness to be present if a complaint is made to a colleague. Make an appointment with the head of HR and I'll see you there."

Oddly enough I heard nothing further.

Another occasion I was asked to go to a department where there was a problem with the phones. Just as I was on my way I was stopped by one of the departmental managers who asked where I was going and why.

"I'm doing my job, fixing something which one of your staff has probably screwed up. I had 20 minutes left on the call before it gets escalated *looks at watch* I now have 17 minutes left."
"I don't want you going in there."
"Excuse me?"
"We've got a film crew in there and I don't want you in there."
"Is there something wrong with my appearance? I read that e-mail from "Jockstrap"* too. That's why I'm wearing this suit."
"You're white."
*looks at hands"
"No kidding! Someone install a new brain for you this morning?"
"This video will go out to our customers and we've put a lot of time and effort into getting the right staff to appear in it."
"And this means a white-free zone?"
"You're preventing me from doing my job because I'm white. I hope you've got fireproof underwear."

The filming was curtailed and the results scrapped. The braindead manager was hastily reassigned and left the organisation shortly after.

*Jockstrap was so called because he was full of bollocks.

I've also had two apologies from the Head of HR because of the company's pathetic PC obsession. They were glad to see me leave.
(Thu 22nd Nov 2007, 18:22, More)

» Too much information

It's All Balls
Being an honest sort of chap I've often shared just a little too much information with work colleagues (I won't call them mates as there's only a couple of people at work I'd like to shag and none of them are in my department). Consequently I have regaled colleagues with lurid descriptions of three different colonoscopy procedures (that's a camera up the willy for those fortunate enough never to have had one) and a camera up the bum, complete with Picolax powered cleansing. That bloke on the cycling forum speaks the truth, let me tell you.

Recently I needed to go into hospital for an operation on my knackers. Removal of growths from the cobblers to be precise. I've had issues with the HR section at work previously (they treated me like sh*t so I kicked their arses up to their shoulder blades) so I made it clear that I would be keeping a diary of the whole event, including pictures.

Damn thing got infected, didn't it? Swelled up. Four weeks off work with sore bollocks is not pleasant, so when I returned, anyone who asked got the story in glorious technicolour...

"Here's things a few hours after the operation. See the extensive bruising and swelling on the testicles and the penis. Deep Purple on my CD player, Deep Purple between my legs."

"This is where the swelling got to its worst. For reference there's my hand around Lefty. You can see how big it is. And here's a cricket ball in comparison. Look at the two. Both have a shiny side and both have a seam."

At that point people usually retreated from my presence, looking a little green.
(Fri 7th Sep 2007, 12:29, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

Explaining Positive Discrimination
Rock music society meeting in the bar. Long hair, bleached hair, leather, denim, make up (glam rocker stuff, you know?) and general chit chat about life.

One guy is discussing something job related with another and asks him "What is positive discrimination?"

"Well," he says, "Positive discrimination is when you employ an Asian lesbian cripple because she's the only Asian lesbian cripple who's applied for the job. Suitability has nothing to do with it."

Suddenly there's a loud clunk as the doors to the bar are pushed open by an object. Silence descends over everyone. As an Indian girl in an electric wheelchair moves slowly through the bar to go into the canteen.

The silence is now one of such profound stunnedness, all eyes on this lass in the electric wheelchair as she heads to the canteen. You could have heard a headlouse fart. She clunks through the double doors to the canteen.

As they shut everyone in the bar starts howling with uncontrollable laughter. At least two people pissed themselves. I was crying hysterically on the table. The comic timing of this was so incredibly perfect.

The only way it could have been better is if she had been in a Spazz wheelchair.
(Thu 18th Dec 2008, 16:05, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

Black Sabbath
Went to both of the Black Sabbath reunion shows at the NEC in 1999. The resulting partial deafness and headbangers' neck lasted a few days.

Concerned colleagues asked what was wrong as I could barely move my head. I told them I I'd been to see Black Sabbath and had a fantastic time.

Guess what happened...

The idiot complainant was neither black nor Jewish, a point I extracted from the then head of HR.

I nailed the idiot complainant later for inappropriate web usage. Don't fuck with IT guys.
(Thu 22nd Nov 2007, 18:48, More)
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