» My first experience of porn

NOT 'How My Body Works'
This isn't a story of my own first 'porn' experience, but rather of two good friends of mine.

Years ago, when we were all about 12, we were round at an older friend's house, sitting in his bedroom. The guy pulls out one of those 'How My Body Works' books, notably the one about reproduction. Anyway, he shows the two boys and tells them that if they go into separate rooms and pull on their twangers long enough, they'll 'get this really good feeling'.

We all had a laugh about it, and a few hours later, the my older mate goes to the bathroom to take a piss, not realising that one of the two boys he'd shown the book to had quietly disappeared about 5 minutes earlier. What he didn't expect to find when he opened the bathroom door however, was one of the lad standing there with his knob in his hand looking like he'd seen a ghost. Awkward silence ensued for a moment before the younger boy asked 'Am I doing it wrong?'.

Ahhh, mental scarring. Gotta love it.
(Sun 28th Jan 2007, 16:05, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

Fat, bald c**t...
So once upon a time, I applied for a shelf-monkey position at ye olde local Supermarket, and lo and behold, I was hired.

At first times were good, the pay was nice and the work easy. Then suddenly, I was cast into the cold, -20 degree Celius version of Hell. I was made to work by myself in the godawful frozen food department, despite this not being the job I was hired to do.

Much complaining was done, many filings for transfer to my original shelf monkey departments were made. But my fat, bald c**t of a manager would put it off, telling me "I'm doing the paperwork at the minute" or "I'm making the arrangements".

This dragged on for about 6 months, and I got more and more annoyed, until I decide to just do as little work as possible. There were days I'd come in for 4 hours and do about 30 minutes of real, actual work.

That dragged on for a while, until I got too annoyed with it, and made more requests to my new, skinny, pencilnecked, corporate cock sucking twat of a manager. But like the last one, he kept messing me about to.

And then redemption came - I got a new job elsewhere and quit the day I heard the news. Walking out of a job you truly hate after telling my boss to stick the job up his arse, into 3 weeks of free time in the middle of summer was one of the best experiences of my life.

Best part? That being 4 years ago, and me having moved on a decent bit in my life, getting to go back into that supermarket and see the same knobheaded bosses in the same shitty jobs, and being as obnoxious as possible. Awesome.

Length? Long enough for your Mum.
(Sat 26th Jan 2008, 2:32, More)

» Personal Hygiene

Smelly customers and filthy housemates
I'll start with the customers. I work for a games retailer, so as you'd expect, some of our clientèle are hardcore, reeking, geeks.

There's a particular couple that come in once every few weeks, both of whom are large, look sort of like bikers, and fucking stink.

They smell so bad that after being in the store for 20 minutes on a hot summer's day last year, my manager emptied almost a full can of air freshener, only to find the place still stank for hours. Horrible.

As for the housemate, I'm coming to the end of my first year at uni, and I'm living with two blokes I've known for years now. One of them is clean enough, but the other... there is a distinct pile in our kitchen of filthy dishes and mugs, that've been there for almost 2 weeks, and he refuses to clean them. Much to my disbelief, there was even a mug of Coke with mold growing on it - given what Coke does to nails and coins, I'm shocked anything could live on it.

Anyway, he went over to Scotland this week, so in his absence, we put them all in his bed. His problem now!
(Fri 23rd Mar 2007, 15:22, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Maths teacher pees himself in cupboard
Yes, I'm sure this has been done to many teachers in the past, but many years ago at my school a certain maths teacher made the mistake of going into his storeroom whilst leaving his keys in the lock. Needless to say, his class locked him in there and went home (this was near the end of the school day).

The cleaners found him the next morning, having pissed himself and been apparently crying quite a bit. He was off for the next few months for undisclosed 'health' reasons.

I've always felt quite guilty laughing at that story though because ever since then the guy has been sort of demented and just received constant abuse from even the youngest students in the school but just carried on as if people weren't shouting "sheep shagger" and "wanker!" behind his back every time he went down the corridor. At least he's retired now...
(Mon 14th Nov 2005, 20:17, More)

» Shame

Never judge a book by it's cover...
The only really shameful thing I did that I can remember at the minute happened in work a few weeks ago.

This guy came in, and his forehead looked a bit weird. I just thought he was ugly. When I said to a colleague "Looks like he fell out of the ugly tree and hit all the branches on the way down", she responded by telling me he used to live near her. It was a deformity from birth and he was bullied really, really badly for it.

Cue complete shame and me feeling like an utter cunt for it. I still feel bad. Luckily I did get completely hammered after work that night so it's not quite so bad.
(Sat 26th Nov 2005, 0:29, More)