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» In the Army Now - The joy of the Armed Forces

Don't ask, don't tell
One of my closest friends came back from basic training to tell us this lovely story.

He was awoken at 2 in the morning and told to fall into formation, which in this case meant a line.

Standing before the entire unit were 3 people, the drill instructor and (since names weren't provided) Pvt. 1 and Pvt. 2. Two guys my friend had come to know pretty well. The following dialogue was completely unexpected:

Sgt: Pvt. 1, tell your unit what you were doing tonight in the showers!

Pvt. 1: I don't want to say, sir.

Sgt: Tell them now, dammit!

Pvt. 1: I WAS SUCKING PVT. 2'S COCK, SIR!

They had to do "up-downs" until the sun came up. Along with anyone caught laughing.

Needless to say, their unit was very tired come sunrise.
(Sat 25th Mar 2006, 12:18, More)

» I met a weirdo on the interweb

Pirates!
I met a guy who makes his own swords, spends about 75%+ of his life on his damn computer but this tops it off: He once fell under the dreadful affliction of scurvy. His screen name always referred to pirate this or that, but he actually got scurvy. He lived for about a month in front of his computer drinking nothing but Pepsi and eating Doritos. He realized that he should probably broaden his dining horizons once his gums started bleeding and he lost a tooth...Yar! Scurvy!
(Sat 18th Mar 2006, 14:07, More)

» Customers from Hell

Yes, you had to point out that you're better than everyone else.
I work in a gas station (petrol for everyone else) in the tiny town of Ossian, IN and I received a call on the work phone last week. After answering it, the person on the other end begins a bit of frustrated dialogue.

“Hey, I was there not long ago and I think I left my wallet on pump 1. Would it be a problem if you were to go check and see if it’s still there?”

“Yeah. Sure. Not a problem. Hold on a second.”

“Ok.”

(Commencing is a 3 minute long search of pump one involving looking on top the pump, on the adjacent pump, in the trash can and on the ground.)

“Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to find…”

“Are you sure!?”

“Yes. I even looked in the trash can. Just for you.”

“Did you find it?”

“No.”

“What did you see in the trash can?”

“An empty pack of Kools and some empty ice bags.”

“Aw, man. I don’t smoke Kools. Do you smoke Kools?”

“No.”

“Are you sure you didn’t find it?”

“Yes. I’m positive and I’m sorry. I feel your loss. I’ve had my wallet stolen at least 3 times before. Each and every time, I lost all the cash that I had.”

“You sound like you’re being honest with me, but I just don’t know. I’ve heard that people from Ossian are crooks. Did you’re parents raise you right?”

“Yes. I don’t see what my parents have to do with this, and I’d suggest you leave them out of it.”

“WELL WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!? I HAD $3000 IN THAT WALLET!!”

“I don’t know.”

“Have you had any more customers come in since I was there?”

“I’d say about 4, I guess.”

“4!? You’re telling me you’ve only had 4 customers in there since I left 20 minutes ago?”

“I’d consider that quite productive for 3rd shift.”

“Even with Ossian Days coming up?”

“Yes…Hold on. I’ll be right back.”

At this point, Larry, our stocking/outdoor maintenance guy shows up. I tell him the situation and ask if he had seen a wallet out on pump one. He says no and we proceed to look a second time to no avail.

“Our cleaning guy just showed up and we both looked again. I asked him if he’d seen it and your wallet still hasn’t shown up. I’m sorry.”

“What’s his name?”

“Not that it’s a concern, but his name’s Larry.”

“And what’s your name”

“Jack.”

“Do you or anyone else there have a criminal record?”

“No. Why?”

“Like I said, I’ve heard that people from Ossian are crooks. Do you have any surveillance that would be able to prove that no one took it?”

“Not on the outside, no.”

“You don’t have any cameras outside!?”

“Nope.”

“Well, I’m on my way there. I’m on I-69 and I’m turning around. I’m going to find it even if I have to pat you down.”

“Ok. ‘Bye.”

*click*

After this beauty of a conversation, I inform Larry and our cleaning lady, Sandy as to what happened. I then call my boss and inform her. She tells me that if I feel threatened, to call the police. Then my girlfriend calls as she is wont to do and I tell her of the situation. She gets worried and tells me to call her back after everything’s done just to make sure that I’m ok. Not long after this, my friend Troy shows up and upon relaying the story to him, he takes a tire iron out of his car and rests it on the counter inside. Not 5 minutes after he pulled in, 2 police officers show up who I assumed were called by my boss. I let them know what’s going down and we wait.

10 minutes go by when I’m ushered inside by Larry and Sandy saying that I have a phone call. It’s the asshole from earlier.

“Listen, Jack. I just found my wallet. I went to Fisher’s and found it hanging off my Lexus’ antenna. Apparently, I’d left it on the roof. Sorry for the trouble. ‘Bye.”

Long story short, sometimes my job fucking blows.
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 21:13, More)

» Airport Stories

Fun at LAX
During my recent overseas travels, I had the luxury of spending 13 hours at LAX because some bastard thought it would be a good idea to get on planes without a boarding pass, thus delaying my flight and causing me to miss my outgoing from LA.

Two interesting things happened there. Firstly, being a 13 to 14 hour wait, I decided that I needed a nap. As the chairs in the waiting area are complete shit, I approached a bench in the eating area and passed out. I was harshly awoken by a member of the airport staff.

"You can't sleep here."
"Why not? There's no one around."
"You aren't a paying costumer."

To which I promptly stood up, bought a burrito from the nearest stand, sat down and said,

"It's too hot. I can't eat it now. So, fuck off. I'm tired."

After I'd woken from my nap, my burrito was cold, soggy and inedible. So, that was about $10 which never satisfied me.

It was about time for my flight, so I ran to my terminal. As I was in line for boarding, I witnessed possibly the most stereotypical picture I may ever see again.

There, directly in front of me, was a Mexican family of 12. All of them had reasonable carry-on luggage except for the father and the son.


He had a television resting on his shoulder with the fruit of his loins toting hubcaps.
(Fri 3rd Mar 2006, 18:06, More)

» Sacked

Not too bright of an idea...
My first job: sacked. The reasoning though, I believe, was a little askew. I had to babysit their child who refused to take the pills that kept him from turning into a complete abusive nutcase. Spawn of Satan that kid was. Sure, supervising him lighting a fire under the fuel tank of his parents car was a bad idea. Giving him pointers may have edged toward the line a little, but c'mon! No one was hurt and nothing really happened...just a little burn mark in the garage.
(Sun 26th Feb 2006, 4:31, More)
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