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» Sacked

Sacked for being too productive...
I once worked for Argos as a temp, my job was to key in data from e-mails into spreadsheets, I was fairly computer literate at the time so on my first day I wrote a script to automate the whole process.

I was pretty proud of my one click system so after a week or two I showed my boss why my productivity was so good, 2 days later I was told I was not to come in anymore.

Shit
(Thu 23rd Feb 2006, 14:17, More)

» Fire!

Mango Juice
Sorry this is a long story! :)

Among my group of friends we have a long running tradition of birthday road-trips. This particular fire related incident took place on the return from Cornwall summer this year.

It was about 11pm, 5 occupants relaxing in the comfort of my friends new (he had been talking about it all weekend) Vauxhall Omega. Everything smooth, everything safe, bombing up the M5 on our way back to the fine city of Oxford.

I must have drifted off slightly as I woke to the sound of my friend James (the driver) muttering profanities under his breath. I asked what the problem was and he indicated towards the rear-view mirror. I looked and to my horror observed what can only be described as a total whiteout behind us! The nice tidy Omega was chucking out so much smoke it had obscured about 2/3rds of the motorway and cars where rapidly pulling back to avoid the smokescreen!

A mild sense of panic ensued and James hit the anchors pulling rapidly over to the hard shoulder. By this time everyone was awake and wondering what the fuck was going on. I (doing what mechanics do best) popped the catch and ran round the front of the car to “inspect” the damage. Lifting the bonnet was like a scene from Backdraft, 3ft flames leapt from the engine causing me to jump back flailing my arms surprise!

From my point of the view what happened next was side-splittingly funny, all 4 doors of the car sprung open in unison and in a blur of movement I was able to make out the shapes of my four friends as they legged it full pelt away from the car and down the hard shoulder. I followed, catching up and forming a small huddle about 100 yards from the inferno. Everyone was too shocked to talk… then it seemed that sense began to creep back into our instinct overridden brains….

“My phone!” one friend cried… “My bag!” said another… “My Camera!” I declared! We exchanged glances and knew what we had to do, we ran back rescue our possessions (you would do the same!!!)! I was first and when grabbing my bag noticed a 2lt bottle of water we had on the back seat. I decided since I was here I might as well try and put out the fire. I ran round to the front of the car spraying the icy Evian over the inferno with reckless abandon… the water had no effect, the fire raged on. Looking perplexed and panicked I decided smothering would be the key and went looking for something I could use for this purpose.

At this moment I hear a PISSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH noise and turn to see my friend Mike standing triumphantly, wide legged and grinning, pouring the contains of a 1lt bottle of CO-OP brand Orange and Mango Juice over the rapidly diminishing flames. To my utter disbelieve the fire was almost out but licks of flames could still be witnessed. Mike strolled casually round to the boot of the car, produced yet another carton of Orange and Mango juice (still grinning madly) and proceeded to douse the hissing engine, extinguishing the last of the fire.

We exchanged looks, paused, then fell about laughing. Every one of my friends (with the exception of the driver\owner) was in now in hysterics, clutching our stomachs in pain from laughing so hard.

Ironically at the precise moment the laughter was starting to subside an AA van, emergency lights flashing, sped down the hard shoulder towards us. We begin to giggle. The AA driver emerged, fire extinguisher in hand and with the war cry “Stand Back Lads!!” proceeded to coat the entire vehicle with a thick layer of white foam. Giggles became chuckles and before we knew it we where laughing again, mostly at the horrified look on James’ face as the guy heroically splattered his car with the foam.

You would think by this point the event was over… oh no! The next vehicle to arrive on the scene was a full-blown fire engine!!! The AA man ran over and explained that he had taken care of business with this extinguisher but not wishing to be outdone and firemen insisted they must make the car “safe”. This basically meant they had to wash it for us… with the fire hose!

We watched with joy as they thoroughly hosed down the engine-bay then the rest of the car whilst making comments like “you missed a bit mate”, indecently the firemen did not find this in the least bit amusing.

The AA man wished us good luck in getting home until I proudly sported my AA membership, we where loaded onto the back of the truck and with barley 20min lost we continued on our way to merry Oxford. The AA guy even let us crack open a bottle of wine in his truck to celebrate our victory over the fire!


(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 9:20, More)

» Jobsworths

Heroic Security Guard
First post… Meh!

Leaving a party in a block of flats I accidentally clipped a plastic drainpipe backing out of a parking space. The security guard must have seen in on his CCTV monitor as he came running out frantically waving his arms screaming at me to turn my engine off and get out of the car! Not wishing to cause a scene I did as I was asked and got out to take a look at the “damage”. There was not a scratch on the pipe and the little wall bracket thing that holds it has a very slight crack in it, hardy noticeable. I dismissed the damaged and told the dude not to worry about it, would he accept this? Would he bollocks!

He went crazy, stamping his feet demanding my name, address, credit card details, driving licence and started to ramble on about me causing £££ worth of damage. I could not belive we where looking at the same drainpipe. Alarm bells where going off in my head and I decided giving this guy any personal information was a BAD idea so I just shrugged and started to get back in my car.

To my utter disbelieve the guy (at least a ft shorter than me I might add) positioned himself between me and my car door shouting “Just you try and leave! Just try and leave!!” in a very strong Nigerian accent. At this point I couldn’t contain my amusement any longer and I started to laugh at him. I walked around to the passenger door, the guy followed round on the opposite side of the car. I quickly changed direction to go back to the driver’s door and the guy mirrored my movements. I decided I had enough silliness for one night and marched over to my driver’s door and shoulder barged the guy out of my way…hard. I managed to get my door closed before he could get up and started to reverse out of the space. Now for the best bit, without hesitation the guy runs behind my car and dives down on the floor shouting “Just try and run me over! Just try and run me over!!!!” It was utterly surreal! “So what are you going to do then?” I shouted out of my window “lie there all night?!” He seemed to take this under consideration and realising he had no mobile phone he slowly got up of the floor, “You stay!! I go inside to call police, if you drive off... they arrest you, I have number plate!” he said and ran back inside the building… that was it. I drove off and never head anything about the drainpipe again!

What a Hero!
(Thu 12th May 2005, 11:40, More)

» Lies I told on my CV

Please vote for me...

...I am an efficient hardworking go-getter with a no-nonsense professional attitude and a strong desire climb straight to the top. I am very smartly dressed, clean shaven and my personal hygiene is second to none, I also own a verity of different colour biro pens.
(Fri 7th Jul 2006, 16:44, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

I am not a Nazi!
I wanted to find a picture of Hitler to mess with at work.

My boss came over to discuss some work, I minimised everything but for some reason due to a delayed opening an explorer window was left open the middle of the screen with:

WEBSENSE : BLOCKED

CATAGORY : RACE HATE

My boss was not impressed.
(Fri 10th Feb 2006, 11:19, More)
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