b3ta.com user clearasmud
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» Crazy Relatives

my family...
... are completely stark raving bonkers. Some examples...

- My grandfather, John, had a brother called... John. Apparantly the story was that neighbours of the family died in an accident and their son was adopted as a baby by my family, but they never bothered to change his name.

- My great-grandfather managed to change the family name from Kyle to Coyle. He was absolutely guttered when he registered my Grandfather's birth and the priest couldn't make out what he was saying... so started the only line of Coyles in the family.

- The family are very musical, yet my grandfather is the only person I've ever known to play the accordian upside down and not find anything unusual about it.

- He was not the most quick witted either... after a good hour and a half of bantering back and forth with "cunny funt", "pucking fiss" and whatnot, he FINALLY worked out what we were on about and came out with the now legendary "aye, and I suppose you think thats fucking funny"... then couldn't understand why everyone was pissing themselves laughing.

My own mum is now starting to go skatty in the head and some gems from her recently include...

- Me asking for a fork to eat my dinner with when I was presented with two knifes and a teaspoon. I was handed another knife.

- Stating that one of the kids were out on the street playing "with one of those things that you put between your legs". Utterly bemused by this statement I asked for more details and she replied, "what do you call it... not a cock... no, was it a cock?"... until pointing out the window as said child goes past... on a pedal gokart.

- She burnt the mashed potatos for last week's roast beef by putting them in the oven with the roast beef, thinking it would save her time on keeping the potatos warm until deal or no deal was finished. Fair enough... except it was Friday's Deal or No Deal on VHS.

- She thinks I drive too fast in town (25-30mph), yet too slow on the motorway (normally 80-90mph). And she's afraid of country roads cos she "doesn't known where she is".

It worries my that I'm already showing traces of this mentality.
(Mon 9th Jul 2007, 23:09, More)

» The Dirty Secrets of Your Trade

I've now worked in the airline industry for going on five years. It is NEVER as glamourous, or as exciting, as Airline or Airport on the tellybox... but...

1: NEVER trust any check-in staff or dispatcher who guarantees your bag is on the aircraft if you turn up late to check in for a flight. An on-time departure is less paperwork and less hassle, so a bag isn't important enough to wait for.

2: Equally, if you have a hold bag and there aren't a lot of bags on the flight and you're late to the gate, we won't think twice about offloading you. We don't know you, and because you have an important meeting in Birmingham doesn't mean anything to us. If the flight's busy, we're more likely to be more lenient because it takes an age to go thru all the bags looking for yours because you couldn't be arsed to appear on time. If you have no bags checked in you're off as soon as departure looms - sorry, but its true.

3: It is not the gate staff, check-in staff or dispatcher's fault for late running or tech aircraft, or crew being late to the aircraft, or the aircraft diverting somewhere else, or the manky bastards getting off the plane meaning it needs gutted by the cleaners, or the aircraft being parked remote from the terminal and needing coached or causing you to walk outside in the pissing rain - you only have to walk to the plane maybe 50 yards, we have to wait in the rain for 200 of you bastards to get on it, with 200 individual moans about not having a jetbridge. We are creatures of comfort and we don't like it either, so give us a break.

4: Begging to get on a flight you've turned up late for doesn't impress us. Get there on time or get there by some other means. We're not all bastards, but some of us like the feeling of power to ruin your trip. Muahahahahaha etc.

5: If you are pissed/stoned and giving us hassle at check in your bag will be on standby - its easier to dump it and go as soon as departure time comes if you're not there. If you start at the gate your bag will be put to one side for the same reason.

6: Believe it or not you cannot smoke when you're outside on the ramp with the aircraft - theres jetfuel, nitrogen for tyres and other flammable things to contend with. Staff have to go outside the building to smoke just like you lot, so don't even ask and certainly don't try it.

7: On a number of airlines I won't mention on a forum as public as this, I know what the maintainance standards are and how often aircraft break down. There are certain aircraft that are permanently running with defects, sometimes major. I pray for most of you to make it to the other side.

8: Live fish? Throw the boxes in with the bags! Cats that stink of piss? In with the bags! Dogs that shit everywhere? Guess where they go! The remains of people who die on holiday are also loaded with your bags around them so they don't slide about the hold and so that the bodies don't come out the coffin. I've seen it, and its not pretty when it happens.

9: If you reach the end of your trip and your bag isn't there, it probably wasn't loaded at the other end. This relates to point 1 in many ways - you mean nothing to us. Don't moan if your bag doesn't make it, cos its gonna be hundreds of miles away where we can do sweet Foxtrot Alpha about it.

10: Requesting your prams for your darling shitlings as soon as you get off the aircraft might make your life easier, but it doesn't make ours easy. Wait til the carousel like every other mug who had to put up with your screaming brat during the flight. Added to that its a health and safety risk for us to carry such items without proper training, giving us another get out clause to not bother our collective arses.

11: Anyone asking you to move your seat for trim issues who looks official, be it someone in a yellow vest or the captain, is actually serious. We can't let the plane go if its out of trim, we're not doing it out of badness, and it will crash and burn if you don't. This applies to all aircraft, be it an 8 seater Twin Otter turboprop or a 480 seater Boeing 747, so don't look at us as if we don't know what we're doing if you're on a Jumbo and we ask you to move. They are not pretty when they tip backwards for being arse heavy, or indeed when the nosewheel landing gear collapses for being nose heavy.

12: No bag is supposed to travel without a passenger unless its been checked and scanned thoroughly. It could be anything if it hasn't. You'd be surprised how many bags make flights when the passengers don't...

13: Moaning gets you nowhere. Be nice to us and we're likely to do you a favour. The last one definately isn't a dirty secret, it applies to every service industry, but no c**t seems to know it!

Seem to have gone on a bit of a rant there... *insert length gag etc*
(Sat 29th Sep 2007, 21:11, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

Every year...
... we send at least one flight to Krakow. It's normally a special charter organised by East Renfrewshire Council for that local authority's HUGE Jewish population, for their annual pilgrimmage to Auschwitz.

Last year the usual selection of elders and grandchildren who make up the bulk of the passengers on these flights were taking a long time to work their way down the airbridge onto the aircraft. I will never forget the looks I got for innocently commenting to the Rabbis and the (also Jewish) tour reps that "we'll be pushing it for an on-time departure if this lot don't stop gassing and get on board"...
(Wed 17th Dec 2008, 0:51, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

Guilty pleasures...
Probably too many to remember, but here goes...

1) I will put almost anything on a sandwich. Baked beans, mashed potato, fish fingers, potato waffles, crisps, chips, roast beef & gravy, minced beef/lamb... same goes for toasties.

2) Sitting at exactly 30mph in towns. Seems to really rile people.

3) Local radio station Rock Radio. I have most of the breakfast show adverts saved on the computer, and I know most of the lyrics to most of the stuff they play, which is embarrasing when I forget the window is down and I'm singing Rockin' All Over The World at the top of my voice.

4) Overtaking on motorways at 70mph in the inside lane when traffic in the middle lane is only moving at 50. Same goes for the outside lane when theres a sales rep trying to get past and flashing lights...

5) Dropping song lyrics into conversation.

6) Swearing around people who I know it will shock or disturb.

7) The already noted shit/no wipe/shower combo.

8) "Flight of the Navigator" and "The Brave Little Toaster".

9) The Hungry Caterpillar.

10) Against as has been noted elsewhere, using the make & model of car at junctions to make decision on letting them out.

11) Using the size of a vehicle to force a way through. Refused to reverse back along a busy street in an Iveco luton van when I came up against a Merc S-class - sat for a full 25 minutes reading the paper before he would reverse back.

12) Older cars (probably 1976-on), specifically Fords, Vauxhalls, Peugeot-Talbots, Austin Montegos and Eastern Bloc cars - I get far too excited if I see something like a Mk2 Vauxhall Cavalier or Mk2 Ford Granada on the road, and I have been known to almost hit other road users if I see a Talbot Solara. Co-incidentally, if theres anyone out there with an FSO Polonez for sale, I'd like to know!

13) The Proclaimers.

14) Cleaning my ears with kirby grips and biro lids. Probably quite dangerous but its great. And I bite my nails too much.

Might be more...
(Sat 15th Mar 2008, 23:50, More)

» How nerdy are you?

I thought I was bad...
... until I read some of this lot. I admit to owning several Red Dwarf T-shirts, and I have all the series on both VHS and DVD. My car has a Starbug on the dashboard. I own several computers & consoles, the oldest being a Megadrive II (with Master System adapter following its death), Playstation, I own one of the first Playstation 2s officially imported and with the "welcome pack" and PCs which run Windows 3.11, Windows 98 and my current XP machine. I used to be able to solve maths problems without thinking about it.

Now? I have a house (and garden) full of parts relating to my collection of real life... buses. I own, or part own, a total of four which I am restoring. I am... a bus photographer. My already low standing on this board shall drop further now, I fear...

Length? About 36ft, with room for 53 seated...
(Tue 11th Mar 2008, 18:53, More)
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