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» Anonymous

Weston-super-Mare Gnomes
In Weston-super-Mare one night a number of years ago myself and a mischievous chum came down with a bout of kleptomania, presumably caused by the imbibition of huge excesses of alcohol. Homeward-bound from a night of debauchery in a strange residential area, a garden gnome was espied, then retrieved, from some unsuspecting resident's front garden. We decided the gnome was to be our pet, and that I would be the first to enjoy our "shared custody" of him.

The next evening, my guilt and regret for this act of theft made unbearable by my still-present hangover, I figured the best bet would be to return "Dave T. Gnome" (his new moniker) home under the cover of night... A "drive-by gnome re-homing", if you will. On the drive there I passed my friend from the evening prior and stopped to give him a lift home. Unfortunately the combination of his mischievous willfulness and my carefree attitude led to us not returning Dave, but instead driving the streets for hours, scouting for more gnomes to purloin.

Our reprehensible gnome-thieving behaviour continued off-and-on for about five weeks, at the end of which, in addition to Dave, we had accumulated some thirty-two gnomes and various garden ornaments of similar nature. These were all of varying sizes (I definitely remember we had two stone tortoises - one the size of my hand and one about a foot high which took all my strength to lift).

As I was too lazy to move them after their filching, they had remained in the boot of my car. This made it particularly awkward when driving as roundabouts and tight corners shifted the weight enough to make the rear-end "kick out" a little at anything over 15 MPH. So I had to somehow get rid of them, surreptitiously.

Of course, we didn't actually want these things, and a few weeks later, thinking it was time they were returned but realising I couldn't remember where each came from, I drove at 3a.m. to a local park, where I made several trips offloading them. After half-an-hour I had carefully arranged them all in a single small area amongst the bushes.

The following week, a half-page article on page three of the local paper reported that a young girl who was playing in the park was delighted when she had stumbled upon the sight of thirty-odd garden gnomes and various stone creatures placed as if talking to each other at a cocktail party. The reporter couldn't explain where the heavy stone ornaments had come from or why they'd been put there and appealed for any resident of the town who was missing a garden decoration to call the newspaper to have it returned. I was happy that these folks would have their gnomes back, relieved that my friend and I wouldn't be getting reprimanded for it, and quietly proud that I'd made the paper (albeit anonymously). A silly, perhaps idiotic, thing to do, but hopefully reading the story brightened some folks' day.

Length? What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick... apparently. :)
(Sat 16th Jan 2010, 19:13, More)

» Cheap Tat

Shoddy pliers
There's a reason tools are a certain price. Quality.

Popped into Poundland a while ago, saw what looked to be a nice hefty, solid pair of pliers. 1, a single quid - BARGAIN - no decision had ever been made faster, I bought 'em.

Two days afterwards I'd lost my socket set, so set about undoing a bolt on my car with the new pliers.

On the second twist the things sheared in two, leaving the grips still clamped around the bolt head, and me looking like a twat holding two separate bits of metal that used to be the handles. Rubbish.

I encourage everyone to burn down their local 'pound shop', as nothing that comes from these places is ever any use. *lights torch* *organises rabble* *marches with a purpose*
(Fri 4th Jan 2008, 8:46, More)

» Barred

Barred from Tesco for not attempting to steal...
About four years ago I was on my way home from a mate's house at about 2 a.m. and decided to pop into our local 24-hour Tesco supermarket to buy some cheap DVDs I had had my eye on. Nothing nicer than an empty supermarket - peace and quiet!

Went in, selected said DVDs, saw there were extra-cheap (2 pairs for a tenner!) jeans - hurrah, perfect for making into groovy flares (as I'm a bit of a hippie)! Went through an entire shelf of these, trying to find my size.

Security guard walks up, I smile at him, he says "And what the f*ck are you smiling at?". I replied, rather meekly, "Oh, nothing; you having a good night?". Obviously this was the wrong thing to say, as he put me in a fell-nelson, frogmarched me out of the store, an threw me face-first onto the concrete.

A tad dazed I trotted home, the next day contacting the store manager to complain about the 'somewhat tetchy' guard. I was told that I had been suspected of shoplifting, as the security guard thought he had seen me wrapping the DVDs in the pairs of jeans...which was entirely untrue - to my knowledge the movies were still sitting on another, otherwise empty, shelf next to the jeans section... Now quite how anyone would be able to remove things from the store via the checkout this way without paying for them, I have no idea, but it seems a pretty poor way of shoplifting to me (especially as I had my debit card in my pocket and was obviously intending to pay) also received a letter a day later saying I was barred from Tesco and would be forcibly removed if I was seen in there again. Twunts.

The moral of the story is this: Never be the only person in a 24-hour store, whose security guards are ill-tempered for no apparent reason, vicious thugs, and lying cnuts, as there'll be no witnesses to advise the authorities of the true course of events. Haven't been back to the store since, and the twat of a guard still works there - so avoid Tesco in Weston-super-Mare, or firebomb the place if you're passing! ;)

No apologies for both length and girth, as I'm sure the security guard mentioned will be told by his cellmate, when he invariably ends up in jail for being a thuggish twat.
(Mon 4th Sep 2006, 0:24, More)