» I was drunk when I bought this

racing vibrator
not so much something that was bought, more something given as a consolation.

myself and some friends were in our local old man pub having a few drinks after a long day of snooker and booze. the toilets of the pub have a machine which sell racing vibrators. (i'm not sure what makes them race though). we'd bought one a few months before and had a fun evening dipping it in pints and giving each other buzzing wet willies (excuse the pun).

we thought, in our haze, that we should buy another one to relive those times. we clubbed together the fiver that was required and sent one of our number to the toilet to make the purchase. he returned a few minutes later, claiming that the machine had stole his money. he was prepared to let it go, but i for one wanted my money back. he went to speak to the landlord (nice fella, used to play for accrington stanley) and explained the situation, saying he wanted his money or his sexual toy. landlord made many jokes, and took him off to the toilet. we all pissed ourselves at the sounds of banging and swearing coming from the toilet as landlord tried to prise the machine open. out he came, no vibrator in hand.

as we were finishing our pints, landlord came over with our five pounds and a package that he claimed he bought for use at hen nights. inside the package was a 'Peter Sipper', a crude rubber penis with a straw for a urethra. it was apparently modelled on a porn star's tool, but it was a bit girthless. the journey home was made all the more interesting by hitting each other over the head with this cockstraw.

we went to a friend's house to show them our prize, and many photos were taken of our prize. i'm not sure what happened to it in the end though. last time i saw it, it was stuck in a milk bottle, posing as a very limp candle.

i wasn't sad that we tried to buy a vibrator, but only got a floppy strawcock, i just question why.

bit long? sorry
(Fri 10th Jun 2005, 13:13, More)

» School Trips

a multitude
a few stick out:
on a trip to italy one drunken fellow took a piss out of his window onto the hotel owner. the hotel owner moved and asked him to desist (may not be his actual words), fellow adjusted his aim and continued to moisten the guy's face. was nearly put on the next plane home.

same trip, throwing blood oranges at fish off the ponte vecchio in florence. didn't seem to bother them.

same trip again, discovering the wonders of adelscott, a bottled mixture of whisky and beer, and playing the most savage game of raps ever.

on a camping trip to swanage (from school in poole, not a very far away trip), someone tried to buy jazz mags, was asked if had any id, said "no", started crying and ran out of the shop. also my friend didn't poo the whole week, and had a visible lump in his side.

on route to a ski trip in austria, stopped off for a maccy d's in cologne, used the most disgusting, junkie filled toilets i've ever seen, and marvelled as a man was chased out of maccy d's by armed security staff after stealing a big mac.
(Fri 8th Dec 2006, 13:44, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

are gay
in poole bus station about 8 years ago, somebody had written "goths are gay". somebody (i presume a goth) had taken umbrage at this, and had crossed it out, but you could still read it. it amuses me that the potential thought process could have been "i disagree with this, but people need to know the shit us goths go through".

also, currently on the back of one of the signs in the tescos car park in infirmary road, sheffield, someone has written 'tescos is gay'. i cannot fathom the logic.
(Fri 4th May 2007, 12:37, More)

» Secret Santa

it was just what he always wanted
£5 limit. 1 x 20 pack Benson and Hedges, 8 x pickled onion Space Raiders. wrapped in a copy of the Daily Sport. i think he gave me the Space Raiders back
(Fri 15th Dec 2006, 13:48, More)

» School Sports Day

relay
we used to have interform athletics at lunchtimes. i used to do the 800 and 1500, but was roped in to do the 8 x 100 metre relay. i think i was running the 7th leg and so it was fairly important that i ran quite fast. upon arrival of the 6th man, i took the baton and accelerated away. i have a problem with my kneecap in that it occasionally pops out of place, moves round to the side and then pops back into it's home in a very short space of time. it's a smidgeon painful. after about 95 metres of hard running, my kneecap made it's break for freedom and i crumpled. in falling, i did somehow manage to pass on the baton (possibly an illegal throw was used) and i fell over on my face. as i lay on the floor i saw my english teacher (who was checking the handover) laughing at my misfortune. i replied "fuck off, it hurts!" as my knee swelled up to the size of large grapefruit. remembering my place, i politely added "sir" on the end. which was perhaps more than he deserved. i don't think we won, but we weren't disqualified.
(Fri 31st Mar 2006, 13:10, More)