» Sacked

cozy
i awoke one morning because my bedroom was bloody cold..relly bloody freezing. i slowly realised that i had been drinking (etc) heavily the night before on a works night out and i was actually lying on the very cold tiles in my very dark bathroom. i slowly realised that i didn't have very cold tiles in my bathroom. i had lino. i slowly realised that my bathroom was considerably larger than the room i was in. had i been abducted? i reached out and i could touch all 4 walls...and a toilet pan. hmmm? it was pitch black in there. i shakily arose and began searching for a door handle, there must be a door in this prison! i found a handle YA BEAUTY it opend and i was blinded by very unbright night light things which slowly faded to reveal...sinks. 4 sinks. and ...urinals! yes i was in a pubs bogs. it was 4 am. now under most circumstances this would be good..free bevvy! unfortunately i recognised this pub as the fancy one i worked in. and i knew it had motion censors all over the shop. i caught a glimpse of myself in the mirrors. my lovely work shirt was soaked with spew. on closer inspection the spew on me matched the spew that was ALL OVER the cubicle i had just exited. i deduced from this that i had infact been sick. a lot. now i knew where the fire exit was in this place well and went over my escape plan, but would i make it down (ashton) lane and up the road without being lifted. i doubted it. no mobiles in thesse days so i did what any self respecting drunk would do and lay on the sinks and went back to sleep. when i heard the cleaners coming in i left the toilets and the cleaners totally FREAKED OUT. you see the pub down the road (oblimov)had been robbed the previous week by..yes...people hiding in the bogs! magic! any way i explained myself and begged then not to grass me up and true to their word they never. they told the chefs who for a laugh did. the manager said if i appologised to the boss i could stay. i never. i was sacked.
(Wed 1st Mar 2006, 11:42, More)

» When I met the parents

voddy and the burds da
been seeing her a wee while, the parents came to visit. fkn minted but cool folks. she had just passed her driving test, so, stupidly, i bought her a bottle of smirnoff blue as a well done gift. in true gent style me and her dad cattled the lot. then we got another bottle an necked that too. a meal in a fancy eatery had been booked (u b chip west end glasgow)so we went. i decided to have a wine drinking contest with myself at this point. next thing i knew i had insulted them some how and they effed off and my mate who worked in the eatery was helping me out and advised me to go home. so i went round to her flat and started a fist fight with her dad. magic.
(Wed 25th May 2005, 16:00, More)

» When animals attack...

slaughter
my entire family were slaghtered by a bundy (collective name) of anthraxed haggis. if that was not bad enough the next day they all came back from the dead and went about their daily business. Which they continue to this day.i have reported them to the authorities several times. no one listenes.
(Tue 7th Jun 2005, 13:55, More)

» I'm an expert

expert
i'm an expert at pullin ma puddin! any a youse want a wee shot?
(Thu 23rd Jun 2005, 16:46, More)