» I met a weirdo on the interweb

Big Spiderman Shirt
I was 15, he was 16.

We'd been talking for a few months on t'net after my cousin told him I was his type and he was mine etc etc. He said he was 5"9 with broad shoulders, brown hair and green eyes. After talking of life and music, and other such things one talks about at the tender age of 15, we decide that we *must* meet, as we have the most deep and meaningful conversations, via MSN. I ask for a photo, but alas, no scanner/webcam/digital camera etc. Naive and innocent, me thinks fair enough, he's described himself pretty well and my cousin tells me he's quite a nice looking chappy.
We decide to meet in Wolverhampton (ha). We both decide to take friends with us, hell, maybe they can get together too. So we arrange a meeting point. He told me he would be wearing a spiderman shirt, which I thought was a bit sad, but at least I could easily recognise him. Look over to where we're supposed to be meeting and, oh my lord, someone's dressed a big whale with an oversized head in a spiderman shirt. Oh no wait, that is my date for the evening. Splendid. I'm now at this point thinking, broad shoulders is not the same as fat. Then again, fat is not the same as morbidly obese. He looked like a giant movie billboard, with a head. A big spotty head. His friend wasn't much better, and his skinniness was greatly emphasised by fatty patty's flab. Nevertheless, me being a polite young woman decides to go ahead and be friends, because at this point he's already spotted and identified me. We say hello and all that, and he took me to 'Atlantis'. If there's any midlanders reading this, you'll know what an awful place this is. And to top it all off, he announces that 'the blazin squad', in the infancy of their amazing career, are doing a live performance there. On the same night. That I'm going. I really wished for death. This giant deceptive doughboy was enough to make me depressed, but I really did not wish to be alive when he announced this. Somehow, I get through it, we speak about three words to each other all night, and I contemplate escape at every opportunity. Finally, it's over, and we say goodbye, and me and friend go on our merry, merry way. I thank the lord that the terrible experience is over, and curse the internet and my damn cousin for being such utter cunts.

He emailed me two days later saying that I wasn't what he "expected", and that he doesn't think that it would be a good idea to meet up again.

I don't know why, but I was quite upset at the fact that I had been rejected by the big thing in the huge spiderman shirt.

I do often think that it would make a nice children's tent.
(Mon 20th Mar 2006, 23:34, More)

» Mugged

Bit of fire
Living in the midlands, and often having to get the bus home late at night from such places as Birmingham, Wolverhampton and Dudley, I always carry weapons of self defense around with me in my girly handbag.

A gun? No.

A big knife? No.

A can of hairspray and my cigarette lighter. Always makes me feel much safer walking around on my own at night.

I've always sat dreaming of situations on the bus home, imagining myself turn into a lycra-clad superhero, with massive boobies, 80s hair and super levitating abilities, smiting dastardly criminals with my power of fire blasting.

"Of course you can search my bag officer, it only has my hairspray in it because I am a laaaaady who cares about her laaaaady doo."

"Oh and a couple of fags and a lighter. I'm classy, me."
(Sun 18th Jun 2006, 14:12, More)

» Mums

My mum
carried on going to work all the way through chemotherapy and radiotherapy, going round the homes of old folks, making sure THEY were ok.

She's brill.
(Sat 13th Feb 2010, 2:18, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

I work in a library
I regularly wank into and spit in every tenth Josephine Cox and Catherine Cookson book bought to the counter.

Sigh.
(Mon 13th Aug 2007, 22:09, More)

» Messing with the Dark Side

Flashy flashy
So my 'experience' happened just after I'd been out to the cinema to see 'The exorcism of Emily-Rose'. Although not a particularly scary film, there were moments which were quite creepy, but I was not deeply affected by the film. Anyway, in the film, there are refereces to the time 3am, which is supposedly when spirits are most active, and is the time which the girl in the film (Emily-Rose duh) wakes up by things banging, moving around, general spirit tomfoolery, but of the more sinister type (a force on top of her sinking her into the bed, levetation etc). So imagine my suprise, the night I've seen the film, to be woken up, 3am, on the fucking dot, by my lights violently flashing on and off, and a low, vibrating rumbling noise. I lay there, nearly shitting myself. My computer (next to my bed) started making humming noises, then the screen, in sync with the lights, starts flashing on and off. The street lights outside then go off, the lights and pc stop, and all is silent. I'm left in the darkness, too afraid to move. I finally reach across for my phone, for perhaps, a bit of light. And would you believe it, as soon as I touch the bastard, it runs out of battery. There are so many rational explanations for the goings on that night, powercut, mild earthquake etc etc. But, having the image of a toe-curling, growly-voiced possessed young woman in my head, and being a young woman myself, and all of this happening at 3am on the dot, seriously freaked me out. I get a bit scared when awake at 3am these days.
(Sun 23rd Apr 2006, 16:48, More)