» Scary Neighbours

dutch army-men with nothing to do
We lived for an anti-squatting agency in a building on an abandoned millitary compound; very nice old buildings, mostly monuments. The entrance gate was maintained and the former guards employed so none of it would be vandalised. We were told we should try to get along with them; because, after all, they were going to be our "neighbours". These two middle-aged army-men would start their working day at 0600 by landing their fat arse on a chair in the boot next to the gate and glaring mistrustfully in our direction. At 0800 we'd wanted to go to our work and drive up in the direction of the gate. They'd open it (electronically). We'd come closer. They'd close it. We'd back up. They'd open it. And close it. And open it. And (*&*&^& it. This ritual was repeated at 1800 when we wanted back in. At 2230 they'd walk about our corridors with a flashlight to see if we weren't up to any misschief. People (acquaintances, friends, mum) not in their files were taken back for questioning (something down the likes of 'did you have sexual intercourse with this woman'). At 2300 their work day ended. They kept a tab on our use of water and electricity. They said we overheated the place. They walked in at 0700, found us "frollocking in our underwear", deducted that we did that because we were just so bleedin hot and turned of the heating. In December. We tried to explain that in order to get dressed in clean clothes every morning, first you have GOT to take some of, but they said we were just trying to talk our energywasting ass out of it with this fancy schmancy personal hygiene propaganda. My friend and I became verbally hostile. The next morning (such a coincidence) there was an unexpected millitary exercise which included our kitchen, small amounts of dynamite, twenty armed and gasmasked men, four aggressive german shepherds and -of course- a small horse.
After that things only escalated.
(Fri 26th Aug 2005, 17:41, More)

» Shame

Pathetic Pat
I have only told this once, to cheer up a depressed acquaintance who at 38 was still living with her parents and had only experienced fysical intimacy with her Snoopy collection:

The highlights of my pathetic lovelife.

1) At graduation my maths teacher was chatting and blabblering on at me, not very interesting, so I thoughtlessly turned and turned the rose with long stem all the graduates got, but when he in a low voice said he'd always fancied me I started paying attention and noticed I was in fact sort of screwdriving his crotch. Ah.

2) When I was 16, not entirely sober and having sex with a boy (I was very much in love with, stupidly infatuated etc) in a forest near to the pub a man with a flashlight started looking at us from a few feet distance. After ten minutes, the boy I was with noticed him too and chased him away. He angrily asked why I didn't say anything. "I thought he was the Forestkeeper, counting squirels", I answered, and meant it.
(end of the affair)

3) And yesterday I drank too much and tried to seduce my bf's best mate in front of the bf in a 'that 'll teach him to leave teabags and orangepeels in the sink'-mood. Because I was doing such a terrible over the top seducingjob (was giving it my very best godhonest shot though) they thought I was being funny. My bf's mate said to me that he never thought I had a sence of humour untill now.

Crap.
(Fri 25th Nov 2005, 15:35, More)

» Panic Buying

Christmasshopping at the local drugstore
This Christmas I gave my motherinlaw a couple of lace strings (the undergarmentkind) and my fatherinlaw one of those masks with glasses, nose and moustache, and a set of plasters. They liked it alot and thought it was funny. The only one who was completely horrified and disgusted was my boyfriend (their only son).

He got them some gaffertape, a sponge, nailclippers and a tube of woodglue.
(Fri 30th Dec 2005, 13:32, More)

» Injured Siblings

all injuries accidental and unanekdotical
Only thing what comes close to the horrorshow up here is when my
brother was fishing, and i was swimming nearby. He got his line tangled, i tried to get the hook loose from some waterplants when he lost his patience and with a mighty jank hooked me in the thumb. My father was proud at my brother for having caught such a big fish.

The only intended injury was that he cut my ponytail off one night, but that was only because i said his He-man had no penis.
(Sat 20th Aug 2005, 16:46, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

I knew it was over
but only long, long after everyone else did. Friends, acquaintances and strangers tell me that it was never on to begin with. They say it with looks of concern and apprehension. They keep their distance.

When I ask for a light they decline and very gently say that they are not in love with me.

This has me confused and worried.

I would have like to make this a story with righteous indignation and winkwinknudgenudge jokes but it seems impossible to bend it that way. I must face up to what I apparently am: a creep. To borrow an expression: a snake with tits. A short fat snake with tits. A larva with tits. Very small tits.
If I stoop any lower I can't see what I'm typinhj/
(Thu 21st Jul 2005, 18:19, More)