b3ta.com user flimflam_machine
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» Irrational Hatred

I don't know how irrational this really is given that some of these things are genuinely annoying, but my level of annoyance is probably irrational given the right of everyone to use the pavement and in complete contrast to my usual easy-going attitude. So here goes...

When walking through a busy city at rush hour why do people give no thought whatsoever to how they walk and where they stand?! For these hectic couple of hours the pavements essentially become highways for tired and stressed people to get home to their families and/or a cold beer. So follow these simple rules:

1: If the pavement is 2-people wide, don't walk in the sodding middle of it. Leave a gap on one side for people to overtake or to walk past you in the opposite direction.

2: Walk *along* the pavement, don't walk on some random diagonal which slowly moves you from one side of the pavement to the other. This particularly pisses me off as it means that I think I can overtake you on one side and then suddenly there's not enough space to get by.

3: Don't suddenly stop to get your phone out/look in a shop/tie your shoelace without checking that no-one behind you is going to walk into you.

4: Don't walk 4 abreast towards me in the expectation that I will step into the gutter/traffic just so that you can carry on with your inane conversation with your friends.

5: If you have the choice, walk on the left. That way, the person who may have to step into the traffic is facing the oncoming traffic and can see whether it is safe to do so.

6: If you are standing waiting for a bus/friend/epiphany/whatever take a second to think about where people seem to want to walk and then stand somewhere else. Particularly if you are a member of a group of bum-fluff-moustached French school kids, consider that you (as a group) are blocking the entire fucking pavement!

7: You may love your wheelybag, to everyone else it is a device specifically designed to trip them over and/or whack them in the shins. So get it out of the way. What's that? I've kicked your bag... why don't I look where I'm going? I was you twat! Where I'm going is 50 yards over there not 1ft in front of me at knee height.

8: Don't stop at the top of an escalator to get your bearings or adjust your grip on your wheelybag or I will walk into/over you to avoid getting trampled by the people behind me.

9: If you don't know where you're going, take a moment before stepping out of the door to find out or step to the side of the pavement to look at your map. Sightseeing's lovely, but 5:30pm on a Tuesday at the busiest intersection in the city is probably not the best time and place to do it.

10: (The Golden Rule) There is always someone who wants to walk faster than you, consider how you might be holding them up.

Apologies for length/bindunness etc.
(Tue 5th Apr 2011, 16:11, More)

» Beautiful but Bonkers

Saw a gorgeous girl on the train this morning. She was wearing a badge that said 'I am not a badger!'

Does that count? I'm worried that she always needs something around to remind her.
(Fri 17th Nov 2006, 14:40, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Sticky car
When I was pretty small we used to drive to the continent reasonably regularly to go on holiday. 3 kids in the back of a car for 10+ hours is bad enough but apparently I used to add to the mayhem in my own particular way.

Standard drinks provision on these trips were those little juice boxes which you pierce with a straw. Every time my Mum would pass a freshly pierced one over her shoulder to me the same warning would come "Now don't squeeze it flimflam!" With depressing regularity the first thing I'd do would be grab it with superhuman strength liberally covering the interior of the car and whoever was next to me with orange juice/ribena/whatever. I think she eventually resorted to drinking about 3/4 of every box before handing it to me. Ha! I'd like to see her sort out my current drinking problem like that.

No apologies for strength of grip.
(Mon 8th May 2006, 15:38, More)

» Good Advice

If you ever get to thinking that you're a person of some importance,
try ordering somebody else's dog around.
(Wed 26th May 2010, 11:06, More)

» Where is the strangest place you have slept?

Bouncy bouncy!
On a park bench in Bordeaux. You get an altogether classier type of wino there you know.

Unfortunately I can't top the antics of a bloke at a party hosted by my brother and sister. He fell asleep against the side of the bouncy castle pint still clutched in hand. Not particularly unusual except that the aforementioned bouncy castle was then deflated as a response to excessive quantities of bouncy shennanigans going on (obviously they wanted to avoid losing their deposit as a result of unsavoury staining). When it was subsequently re-inflated it ended up over the top of the sleeping bloke leaving only his legs sticking out and looking very much like the wicked witch of the east. On being pulled out (complete with pint) he uttered the beautifully understated "Thanks mate, I was suffocating under there."
(Thu 4th Jan 2007, 14:09, More)
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