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» DIY disasters

Disaster for my parents
When I was young, I, like most people, learned to associate certain senses with certain actions. Touching a hot object = recoil hand very quickly. "Just wait until your father gets home" = hide under bed, and so on. Around this time we had our boiler replaced.

My parents discovered the ramifications of the aforementioned process when, in a Chinese restaurant, some bloke in the kitchen started hammering away at something. Every time a certain 3 year old heard *BANG* it was quickly followed by "FUCK! FUCK!"
(Fri 4th Apr 2008, 16:01, More)

» Kids

Kids! When I was your age,
Pluto was a planet.
(Sat 19th Apr 2008, 12:49, More)

» Mix Tapes

A modern day mix tape!
I didn't really understand the concept as a 16 year old, so I burnt a DVD with a load of MP3s on it so I could introduce my girlfriend to different music. Hardly a heart-felt collection, but she did quite like the entire Rammstein discography so that was alright.

Fast forward some indeterminable amount of time. It's late at night, we've returned from a party somewhere and it's about time for teenage, drunken, inept fumblings. (If you're reading this, I'm really sorry. Although that's probably going to make it worse, isn't it?) What would probably be atmospheric at this point would be some music! Stumble over to her PC, put iTunes on, hit shuffle, done.

Top tip: If neither of you can understand German, Rammstein is really good music to listen to. It's powerful, has a good solid rhythm and energetic. The effect is spoiled once both of you know you're dry-humping each other to a song about a guy eating his own penis shortly before his death.

Instead of Mien Teil we get Seeman, which is relatively lovely! Things are heating up, I'm really impressed by my one handed bra removal technique, she draws me in closer and the music is building up such a sense of tension. And there's a funky brass intro. "EVERYBODY! (doo doo) EVERYBODY!" The anticlimax sent me into a fit of giggles and the Blues Brothers firmly ensured that nothing was going to happen that night.

Her dad had probably bribed the shuffle algorithm.
(Thu 7th Feb 2008, 14:41, More)

» School Trips

To China! With a load of 12 year old boys...
So yes, we all went to China on a cultural exchange and to learn the lingo (yes/no/how much is that?/how much is that in dollars?)
Suffice to say, over a fortnight everybody had terrible food poisoning, apart from me and me steel stomach, I only shit all the way up the walls once and no vomiting. How proud my parents must be.
There was the time where we were walking along the Great Wall and found a part that we couldn't get to as it had been blocked off by a huge concrete slab. This doesn't stop 6 12 year olds and one father from climbing around this minor obstruction, across a 2" ledge 30' from the slightly scary looking rocks below. And again when we found out that it wasn't really that interesting the other side.
There was the time that James' seatbelt failed on the rickety whirly fairground machine of death and I had to hold him in place.
There were the countless times where we couldn't translate the menu, but were very hungry indeed so didn't really care.
This culminated in our return 2 weeks later, at which point James' dad got down on his knees and almost proposed to the tarmac at Heathrow.
So there we are, going through the terminals, and my bag falls apart. I stop for a second to zip it back up, look up and everyone has vanished. Apparently when the teacher asked about me someone said "Oh, his dad came to pick him up, I remember it clearly." Bah!
Well, I make my way over to the police station, phone my dad who has to come over to pick me up. For 3 hours I was sitting in Customs/Police with a bag almost falling open containing dozens of bootleg DVDs, slightly dodgy Chinese currency, a friend's deer penis and god knows what I've blanked out from my mind.

Mind you, the food was actually quite good, even if we did later discover it was some sort of larvae.
(Thu 7th Dec 2006, 18:38, More)

» Caught!

Caught masturbating?
That's about as normal as being caught breathing in my book...
(Thu 3rd Jun 2010, 14:37, More)
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