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Profile for BeatsWork:
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Diving, boating, golfing, cycling & living in Perth, Aus.
If all else fails and it's raining, I may also do some work.

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» I'm glad nobody saw me

Almost a Darwin award contender

I was snorkelling and spearfishing just near the cliffs when I lived in Babbacombe (Torquay). I'd caught a couple of nice fish and left them on a rock.

I then swam away a short distance, dived down, only to come up and see a gull starting to snack on my hard won catch.

A/ Tried shouting. The result? No reaction whatsoever from a gull.

B/ Aimed speargun, pulled trigger. The initial result? Missed the gull by a smidge. The rest of the result? The discovery that speargun string, when used in the medium of air, is actually *very* elastic. The spear missed my head by, oh, about one bugger-allth of an inch.

Interesting that in the moment that it took the spear to come back, I had time to imagine how ridiculous a way this would be to die and what the post mortem report would have said..but not to duck.

I think that the gull flew away, although it may have just fallen off the rock laughing.
(Fri 28th Jan 2011, 9:38, More)

» Stupid Tourists

Captain's Log
Whilst working for a Large American Bank a few years ago we were sent to work in the Paris office, staying at a rather plush 5-star hotel right opposite the Louvre. My colleague, whose French extended as far as 'Monsieur, wiz zis Ferrro Rocher, you are rrreally spoiling u-h-s', had managed to block his toilet one morning with a caber-sized log.

After a moment of panic, he spotted the maid coming along the corridor so he 'motioned' for her to venture into his bathroom.

As they stood there in silence, he lifted the lid to indicate the source of the blockage, and confidently pushed the lever on top of the toilet.

He looked across at the maid, then glanced down at the pan. One double take later, he froze in horror as the caber whirled merrily down the ubend to join his chums in the Paris sewer.

The maid just left politely, muttering to herself.....

"It's not really about the length, but the girth certainly deserves a mention"
(Tue 12th Jul 2005, 10:29, More)

» * PFFT *

Our dog Ben
Once farted infront of the gas fire, and lit his own fart.

The surprise and confusion as he leapt up and whipped around to see what what going on with his bum was quite special.

Length - dunno, but it definitely went "woof".
(Sat 14th Jul 2007, 1:51, More)

» Conned

Conning low life rat bag.


Longish one from the late 80’s..

I was 20, stranded in Port Authority* bus station in New York, on my own, with so much luggage I couldn’t hold it all at once.. at 2:30am, tired and hung over.

Stranded, because I’d turned up with a valid pre-paid ticket for a bus to Connecticut - but with a timetable two years out of date.
(Great travel advice from the university)

The ticket office was open, but just said “Tough, only option is to wait until a coach goes tomorrow”.

So I sat there, trying to work out what to do next, feeling about as vulnerable as you can, surrounded by the sort of people that hang around in Port Authority at 2:30am.
Next bit of joy: a huge, massive, enormous, guy walked up to me - even though I used to work out several times a week, he was two of me. If I gave it my best shot, I reckoned I wouldn’t have even slowed him down. Hell, he probably wouldn’t have even noticed.
No police around – I found out later they will only patrol PA in pairs or more.

He asked me why I was there, I explained the story.
He said “Give me $20 and your bus ticket, and I’ll get it exchanged.”
Although that was all the cash I had, and I knew I wouldn’t be seeing them again, I handed it over.
In all honesty, I was just pleased to have the chance to remain in one piece, keeping my credit cards and passport was a plus.

5 minutes later he came back, with tickets from an alternative bus company, and more cash than he’d started with (turned out to be a cheaper ticket!).
AND a guy on an electric trolley for my luggage.
He then explained that he had “a bit of a problem with the police, so couldn’t get me to the gate, buy his mate would give me a lift”.
I gave him the $20, which he hadn't asked for.
His mate gave me the lift right across PA, which is vast, and saw me onto the coach.

All these years I’ve dined out on this, and I’ve finally found the con. I haven’t got a proper answer to this QOTW. Thieving git.


*For those fortunate enough not to have heard of Port Authority - really not the place to be: www.aic.gov.au/publications/rpp/31/RPP31-10.pdf
(Thu 18th Oct 2007, 16:04, More)

» The Worst Journey in the World

Not my bad trip, but a little friend of mine..

Background:

I live in Perth, Aus, which is gorgeous but.. in our back garden we have found one lethal viper, two types of scorpion, three very venomous species of spider, and fairly (!) venomous centipede.

The sub aqua diving around here, however, is great.

So, I was getting kitted up for a night dive last week, in almost total darkness, when I put my foot into my left dive boot, something other than my toes wriggled.
It is astonishing how fast you can take an item of clothing back off, even one made of rubber.
I took a deep breath, and looked inside my boot to see a frightened little gecko peering back at me - I was so happy that it wasn’t a scorpion.

However, from the Gecko’s point of view:

My dive boot had last been out when I was diving in Thailand two weeks previously (yes, I am a lucky bastard), so this poor little lizard must have sneaked into my boot in Thailand, spent a very cold trip in the luggage hold, two weeks in a dive boot in a dive bag, had a size 10 foot pointed at him, only then to be stuffed into a sandwich box.
The next day I arranged to have him re-homed in a local reptile park, but he expired that morning. :(
That’s got to be worse than a slow train - you know where to click so that he can live forever!
(Sun 10th Sep 2006, 7:37, More)
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