» Going Too Far

Biology lesson..
Back at school, in the mid-eighties, during a biology lesson we were treated to a dissection of a cow's respiratory system (lungs, windpipe and heart), of which the teacher presumably scrounged off the local butcher. Of course the whole demo was a fascinating, gory mess. The visuals have been forever seared into my memory, but then things took a turn....
The teacher announced he had to leave for a few minutes, presumably to retch in private, and told the whole class to carry on reading the text on the blackboard for a few minutes... He then left.
Then, from the back, Noel, a psychotic farm labourer's son, strode to the front and said 'Check this out!'. He then engaged the entrance to the windpipe and blew hard. The lungs immediately inflated, then deflated with a soggy wheezing fart. He then demonstrated this party trick once more for maximum effect... Then wiped his bloody gob with his school jumper and sat down again, looking wierdly smug... The teacher came back to a very stunned, blanch faced bunch of kids. I wonder where Noel is now?
(Fri 10th Nov 2006, 21:18, More)

» Crazy Relatives

Oh yeah...
My uncle writes down six different sets of his predictions of the winning lottery numbers, weekly. I can't imagine the outcome if one his 'predictions' came true. Totally mental..
Apparently my mum gave my twin brother and I mescaline in our baby-milk in the early seventies, we were living in California then. When I quizzed mum about this, she said, 'Well, it's what we did in those days...' Obviously I don't have too many recollections of having a bad baby trip, but fucking hell, that's insane...
(Sun 8th Jul 2007, 22:25, More)

» Crazy Relatives

catharthis paralysis
My entire family are borderline, where do I start? Oh yeah, my third stepdad, he once tried to level all the earth in (large)back garden by towing a 12ft ladder, which he harnessed up to himself with an old tow rope he'd found in the back of his treasured Austin Princess. He completed this task over a few weekends, just in his skimpy tanga-pants and black leather ankle boots, showing off his be-paunched physique and frightening tattoos. The most memorable tattoo was the image of the frowning samurai, probably unhappy about the sword plunging through his forehead and coming out of his mouth, with big blobs of blood spattering towards his fist.
Or maybe I should elaborate on my psychotic uncle, who rings up and tells me which train/bus/plane to get anywhere in the UK from anywhere in the UK and then tell me where the engine components are fabricated and when they're assembled etc.... This would be reasonably OK but boring behaviour if it weren't for the fact he lives in British Columbia, Canada..
He then grinds on about how the Chinese shouldn't be allowed to drive, as they don't have peripheral vision!
I could go on and on.....(and then some)
(Sun 8th Jul 2007, 22:11, More)