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» Thrown away: The stuff you loved and lost.

Cousins, eh?
Sort of related, but still quite funny. My Mum had recently come back from Israel and had bought some holy water from the Jordan or whatever, because being a religious type, she will keep it for all future Grandchildren's christenings and such. Bless.

Anyway, my cousin who lives in London had moved out of his place but needed to crash somewhere for two weeks while his new place was being prepared, so we offered to put him up. Being a London type, he is one of those guys who enjoys one of those fruity, overpriced ciders over ice, and as long as he bought his own, we were quite happy to provide for him the ice and glass.

Anyway, one day my mother was in a panic, because she couldn't find the holy water. I asked her where she last saw it (the obvious question really) and she said she put it in an ice tray to preserve its holiness (apparently holiness has a use-by date) and then it was then that it clicked. Needless to say, my cousin was a bit ashamed that he had drunken a Magners with the holiest ice possible, but I found the whole fiasco quite amusing.
(Sun 17th Aug 2008, 22:53, More)

» My most gullible moment

Worst. Dad. Ever.
A friend who works at a betting shop chain regaled this tale to me of his day at work.

Late one evening, a regular wanders in and starts putting some bets on some horses. He'd brought along his 19-year old son who was a bit of a scrounger, and his dad was pretty tight. The kid was begging his dad to lend him a fiver to put a bet on and his dad was having none of it. After kicking up a stink, the kid wanders outside to have a cigarette while the guy finishes his bets and starts chatting with the staff. Meanwhile, the kid is outside picking up scratch cards looking for any unscratched ones, and proceeding to scratch off any that he finds.

While the guys were talking, the kid wanders in, scratch card in hand, literally trembling. His dad asks what's up, and the kid finally forms words.
"Dad! I won ten grand! Really! Honest!"
The dad, unbelievingly, takes the scratch card, and then he becomes speechless too. The card was a winner, with the symbols matching up to the automatic ten thousand pound prize. He hands the card back to the kid who is screaming celebratory and telling all the staff he's giving them all a hundred quid each, and soon everyone is happy.

The dad then asks the kid how does he claim the cash. The kid carefully turns the card over, still trembling, and begins to read aloud the card.
"If you have won 1000 pounds, please send this card to the tooth fairy."
The trembling stops. Some people are confused.
"If you have won 5000 pounds, please send this card to the North Pole."
The trembling begins again, although this time it is in rage.
"If you are still reading this, you've been had you gullible mug!"
The dad can't contain himself any more and starts absolutely wetting himself. He then reveals that he, knowing his son always scrounges for scratch cards whenever they come, dropped the joke scratch card on the floor on the way in. The kid's face had gone purple, and everyone was pissing themselves at his expense. The gullible mug.
(Sat 23rd Aug 2008, 9:57, More)

» Pretentious bollocks

Anyone seen that 'glass of water/oak tree' crap? How f*cking pretentious have you got to be to be a famous artist and use that as one of your masterpieces.
(Thu 29th Sep 2005, 23:31, More)