b3ta.com user Tyraen
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» Spoilt Brats

If I was rich
I would buy an expensive slipper to beat my children with, after reading this QOTW
(Sun 12th Oct 2008, 0:34, More)

» Failed

my french test
back in year 9...

Wrote a load of English nonsense where we were meant to put french... the title was one of the ridiculous "que-ce-se-quel-qu-qu" things, so I just put "qu-qu-qu-qu-qu". put my name down as Eileen Dover (in an all boys school) and wrote "(teacher name) is a witch". lower on the sheet, it said, "burn the witch!" with a lovely little picture.

It got copied and mailed home to both of my parents. My dad went apeshit and phoned up to have a go at me. My mum thought it was hilarious and took it to show everybody in her office. It got passed up the building and mailed to the other branch, who in turn eventually mailed it back.

I still have that test. It's fucking legendary. I show it to everybody I can, and with a smug smile on my face, I say "I did this!" while I suddenly realise what a fucking child I look like :-)
(Sat 6th Jan 2007, 3:25, More)

» Crazy Relatives

I have 7 uncles and 2 aunts, 6 grandparents and my two parents (with respective new romantic interests, adding up to 4).

My Mum and Dad are fairly normal people in general, although my Mum likes to reply to my text when she's drunk (and ONLY when she's drunk) - with "I bow to your superior knowledge, and the gin I have consumed" - whenever she's wrong. My Dad on the other hand just did a very good job of parenting so not much - but his talks were funny. To date my favourite is "mating".

It goes something like this:
Ok son... A cherry meets a nice cake one day, right? So the cherry gets inside the cake... and sprays his whipped cream all over the place... and then 9 months later (if she doesn't get a finger stuck inside her and have the new creamy inside removed) a little cherry cake pops out.
(I replied to this, "What have cherry cakes got to do with children?". He said:)
"I love cherry cake... so... nothing, I suppose.." and conversation went silent for an hour.

My Uncle Kieran, he's a bit odd, he only visits when he wants something though... and one day, he came round after my Father's motorcycling accident (broken collarbone, about 5 years ago), says "Heey bruv, how you doin' these days?!" and slaps him on the shoulder. My Dad doesn't swear much so to hear him explode was just.. comical.. xD

Uhm, my dear Nan on my mums side of the family, she finds the most pointless excuses to phone up and talk to us... and try to get me to visit so she can fatten me up (this must be her objective! I get offered food from every direction when I see her). I don't really mind though - my Nan is ace :D

My Grandad seems to think he served in the war despite being about 5 at the time. He reminisces about things that never happened and tells me all about it. I don't think he ever actually had a fist fight with Hitler :D
(Fri 6th Jul 2007, 20:46, More)

» Housemates from hell

Gavin saw nothing wrong with setting fire to a live chicken in his room. You could smell it for weeks, and chicken shit with burning flesh is not a nice smell :(

(name changed to protect the guilty)
(Wed 11th Apr 2007, 23:26, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Do dirty vans count?
On the way to Dover the other week, we got caught in a traffic jam on a high street, and watched some hooligan do his MATHS HOMEWORK on the side of a dirty white van. He left the whole thing on there.

(I think he got it all right too)
(Fri 4th May 2007, 23:52, More)
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