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» Kids
My brother's gift to the old ladies
Picture the scene:
A beautiful summer's evening in the late 80s. Two charming old ladies stop by our garden gate to coo over my 3 year old brother, who, being only 3, is wearing very little in terms of trousers, and indeed undergarments.
The old ladies spend a good few minutes ooing and arring, and issuing old lady noises at the delightful toddler tottering around before them.
Whereupon, as if in reply, and thereyby proving that he has been brought up by a pack of wolves, my delightful brother proceeds to lay a brown cable on our driveway.
Length? It was about four inches long.
(Fri 18th Apr 2008, 13:55, More)
My brother's gift to the old ladies
Picture the scene:
A beautiful summer's evening in the late 80s. Two charming old ladies stop by our garden gate to coo over my 3 year old brother, who, being only 3, is wearing very little in terms of trousers, and indeed undergarments.
The old ladies spend a good few minutes ooing and arring, and issuing old lady noises at the delightful toddler tottering around before them.
Whereupon, as if in reply, and thereyby proving that he has been brought up by a pack of wolves, my delightful brother proceeds to lay a brown cable on our driveway.
Length? It was about four inches long.
(Fri 18th Apr 2008, 13:55, More)
» Your Weirdest Teacher
Can't see
Picture the scene. School camp at the age of twelve. Midnight. Lads all wondering how to make it over to the girl's tents without being seen by grumpy assistant head teacher. We hit upon the age old idea of morse code. So there we are flashing away so to speak, and who comes waltzing into our tent, all red and angry? Only said assistant head teacher. He proceeds to give us a right telling off. As he starts to leave, a small voice at the back of the tent calls out, in aan almost but not quite quiet enough whisper, "cunt!"
Assistant head teacher spins round with the reaction of a small feral animal, bringing the full force of his one million watt torch to bear on the small boy, now beginning to realise that his little outburst was probably a extremely mis-timed.
"cunt see!" he exclaims, blinking in the torch beam, "can't see".
Genius of the first degree.
(Thu 10th Nov 2005, 11:58, More)
Can't see
Picture the scene. School camp at the age of twelve. Midnight. Lads all wondering how to make it over to the girl's tents without being seen by grumpy assistant head teacher. We hit upon the age old idea of morse code. So there we are flashing away so to speak, and who comes waltzing into our tent, all red and angry? Only said assistant head teacher. He proceeds to give us a right telling off. As he starts to leave, a small voice at the back of the tent calls out, in aan almost but not quite quiet enough whisper, "cunt!"
Assistant head teacher spins round with the reaction of a small feral animal, bringing the full force of his one million watt torch to bear on the small boy, now beginning to realise that his little outburst was probably a extremely mis-timed.
"cunt see!" he exclaims, blinking in the torch beam, "can't see".
Genius of the first degree.
(Thu 10th Nov 2005, 11:58, More)
» Kids
The joy of stupidly named children
There I was, doing the shopping in a well known food super-nay-megastore, gritting my teeth against the cacophony of argueing couples and screaming kids, that sounded very much like the steerage hold of a 17th century sailing ship on the way to the new world, when what do I hear above the din?
"Pepperoni! Put that down and come 'ere."
Pepperoni! Words fail me.
(Fri 18th Apr 2008, 14:10, More)
The joy of stupidly named children
There I was, doing the shopping in a well known food super-nay-megastore, gritting my teeth against the cacophony of argueing couples and screaming kids, that sounded very much like the steerage hold of a 17th century sailing ship on the way to the new world, when what do I hear above the din?
"Pepperoni! Put that down and come 'ere."
Pepperoni! Words fail me.
(Fri 18th Apr 2008, 14:10, More)
» Your Weirdest Teacher
Another Mr Morton
Mr Morton, Maths teacher, not really interested in maths, more interested in regailing us with the time that he used to work as a paramedic. He'd tell us delightful tales of the round traffic accidents that he attended and the severed hands that he found. One story in particular stands out. He told us of the time he had to carry a body in a body bag. The body had been underwater for several weeks, and as he slung the body over his shoulder, the contents slopped to one end. That put us off dinner for weeks that did. Looking back he probably wasn't really cut out for teaching. He was a bit pale.
(Thu 10th Nov 2005, 12:10, More)
Another Mr Morton
Mr Morton, Maths teacher, not really interested in maths, more interested in regailing us with the time that he used to work as a paramedic. He'd tell us delightful tales of the round traffic accidents that he attended and the severed hands that he found. One story in particular stands out. He told us of the time he had to carry a body in a body bag. The body had been underwater for several weeks, and as he slung the body over his shoulder, the contents slopped to one end. That put us off dinner for weeks that did. Looking back he probably wasn't really cut out for teaching. He was a bit pale.
(Thu 10th Nov 2005, 12:10, More)
» Your Weirdest Teacher
Mr Bean
We had a teacher who was going out with a bloke called Mr Bean. Certain suicide when you teach fourteen year olds. After three weeks of constant piss taking we eventually had her fleeing to a cupboard in the middle of a nervous breakdown. She left after that.
(Thu 10th Nov 2005, 12:01, More)
Mr Bean
We had a teacher who was going out with a bloke called Mr Bean. Certain suicide when you teach fourteen year olds. After three weeks of constant piss taking we eventually had her fleeing to a cupboard in the middle of a nervous breakdown. She left after that.
(Thu 10th Nov 2005, 12:01, More)