» On the stage

Ohh it gets worse stick with it
I'm a married man of more than a few years but IT, the IT event, that had been bottled and pushed into a deep hole, came back to haunt me from the past like you wouldn't believe.

One fine day I was in Sainsbury's wondering which queue would travel the slowest, (something I was cunningly trying out to speed up the checkout process) when I noticed this leggy blonde woman in a short skirt looking at me?....at me!..., as a look over the shoulder confirmed!! She smiled, licked her lips, and then and there I thought go for it..go for it, all systems are go......
"erm do I know you?"(I know,smooth eh)
"Mmm yes I think you do" (WTF???).. she continues with the gobsmacking sentence..."I think you are the father of one of my children."
KAPOW!!!And other assorted Batman effects apply...
Fuck me, the traumatic memory block gives way like a chinese dam and the 'IT' event comes flooding back, every nerve, the neurochemistry kicked into action by the firing of a million electrical impulses.And so, the link to the QotW finally revels itself, as I vividly and uncontrollably recall my one regretful moment of alcohol+ fuelled weakness at a Stag Evening........

"Oh my god, you must be the blonde stripper I screwed on stage in front of fifty strangers whilst your ...Uurgghh dirty, dirty erm...girlfriend took the opportunity to whip me, piss on me and insert the whip handle into me and making me wag my 'tail' by gripping my testicules?"

Here that link I have tried reasonably hard to build becomes weaker I admit,
as the womans now puzzled and shocked look is overtaken with the sentence causing such SHAME! (I missed last weaks QotW btw!)

"Oh no,I am er your daughters form tutor!"

Fit SHuck Bart and Follocks I would have thought if it were true.

But probably deserves two clicks on the I like this button for the link to 2 consecutive QotW
(Tue 6th Dec 2005, 0:38, More)

» Crap meals out

Ahh Euro Disney
Super, great smashing... what a place, crap american food with the world renowned service of the French!

A couple of years ago a group of us went to Euro Disney for a few days travelling by the Eurostar. So carless of an evening it appeared we were obliged to go to the plastic american village outside. Hungry and with two kids tired out and almost asleep in buggies we queue for the Rainforest Cafe. An attractive young lady asks us how many there are, I reply, but ask whether it is possible for us to have a table with space where we can keep the kids in the buggies without causing disruption. The little attractive french filly smiles and helpfully phones up to enquire. ....Bloody hell better than those other Frenchies whom really had shut the shops/cafes etc when the rain started during the day inside the park WTF....hardly any "you English pig" attitude at all.
To make conversation with the beauty I ask whether the "prices around have increased with the recent Euro introduction" (something I had heard happened)and man were the prices steep there.
"Non it has always been expensive here, too expensive for the French" came the demure response.
"well not just the French it is pretty expensive for the English too." I respond gazing at her wonderfull eyes and noticing a slight narrowing of them.

"WELL YOU SHOULDN'T BE SPENDING ALL YOUR FILTHY MONEY BOMBING THE IRAQI'S THEN SHOULD YOU!!"

Shocked we proceed up to to be seated knowing full well she was going to be back on that phone "Give the English Pigs on the spacious table extra spittle in their food"

So American plastic themed tat, junk food, shite service and spittle. and all for 250 pounds...lucky we just had cokes!
(Thu 27th Apr 2006, 22:40, More)

» Political Correctness Gone Mad

My dear old Nan
My dear old Nan who is 90 bless, was talking about her new black neighbour. "I am not at all bothered" she says and puffs her chest with pride . "I know some people my age don't like them, but have nothing against wogs"

Obviously some people like mad red Ken would send her to prison, The fecking twunt
(Tue 27th Nov 2007, 23:18, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Not so much weird, just a twat
Mr Conway was my Irish, (with unfathomable accent, even in English) French teacher. I had no chance to learn French at all (although to be fair I wasn't that interested).. He hated me, really hated me (which in itself wasn't weird) but I used to sit next to some bizarre girl who would not speak...ever.. I never heard her anyway, so when I pointed out that she really could not get a D for effort and me an E when I at least spoke he downgraded her!!!

I think it mainly stemmed from the collision we had in the corridor..I was with a friend and a couple of girls, he had just left the staff toilets ...banged shoulders..."Willis you pratt" "er... well I'm not the one with my shirt hanging out my flies"

Oh and no need for apologies of any length
(Tue 15th Nov 2005, 22:02, More)

» Fire!

Argue me ...never
At school everyone (not just me)had been bollocked about not immediately complying with teachers instructions or shock horror even answering back.

Later still smarting from the telling off, a school friend decided it would be a cracking idea to put a lit bunsen burner and several million carrier bags into a sink (that importantly was made from some weird plastic)

Anyways I decided this was wrong and needed action,(I was ever so good a child.)so I got up went across the class past some others sinks to a large receptacle which I started the return journey with, stopping at a sink to fill with water. "Oi(it was Dagenham)empty that and sit down" says teach. What could I do? Do as instructed obviously...Admittedly it would be funnier if I could finish it off with a full school burning and multiple fire tenders but alas it was just paniced "FIRE" from the teacher, "yes I was going to put that out 5 minutes ago" from me, a melted sink and me filling an A4 sheet on why "having noticed a fire I did nothing" Der.. "because I was told not to" in big writing.
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 23:54, More)