b3ta.com user Damien's Hearse
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(Sat 24th Jul 2010, 15:40, More)


(Wed 20th Jan 2010, 21:04, More)


(Thu 11th Jan 2007, 16:18, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Things to do before you die

I really want
to teach a parrot to say "Help! They've turned me into a parrot!"
(Fri 15th Oct 2010, 1:45, More)

» Pet Stories

My cat Geoff
in a similar vein to chthonic's story, my cat (Geoff, he was called this when we got him) is a fucking fat bastard. Seriously, other people's cats who they think are too fat look positively anorexic in comparison.

Geoff's obesity has affected the house in many ways, most of them breaking something in one way or another. Firstly, a perfectly good garden gate. Just by jumping on the top of it, completely buckled and destroyed.

Now poor Geoff is a bit self conscious about his weight. His coming and leaving the house through his catflap was never done when he thought anyone was watching, because anyone lucky enough to bear witness to the struggle would burst into fits of laughter. Geoff knows when people are laughing at him, and he doesn't like it.

One morning we came downstairs to find the catflap in several pieces and Geoff sitting beside it looking very embarrassed. He'd finally become so fat that the catflap had literally torn apart.

Anyway, we had to go out and buy Geoff a new catflap, for "the larger cat, or smaller dog". But poor Geoff still hasn't got over the embarrassment, and continues to only use the catflap when he's absolutely sure no one's watching.
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 11:20, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

"Don't tread on the cracks or the bears will get you"
Fucking bears. I want my arm back.
(Thu 4th May 2006, 13:44, More)

» Crap meals out

Last week me and my mate decided we fancied a nice meal in the new wetherspoons in Exeter.
We decided on curry but they had run out of naan bread, which to be honest was its selling point, so after much deliberation we ordered fish and chips, thinking that it would be nice served up with some delectable tartar sauce.

About 20 minutes later our food came, it looked horrible. The chips were brown and soggy, the fish looked a bit weird and the peas, well they were just peas but there was probably something wrong with them. This would all have been alright, however, there was NO TARTAR SAUCE. Enraged, we consulted the waitress, who said that they had run out. But WHY were we not informed of this as we were the naan bread, which like the tartar sauce had been the main selling point of our chosen dish?!

We begrudgingly forced down the lifeless disappointment that was our food, it was not great. Then we started playing around with sachets of mayonnaise, seeing if we could pop them with karate chops. We couldn't, but then I worked out that if we worked as a team, with me rolling up half the sachet and my friend doing the chopping, we were far more likely to succeed. And so, on the second attempt, a glorious spew of thick mayonnaise sprayed out about 10 feet from our table, or so we thought...

Suddenly amidst our childish giggling we heard an angry voice from the other side of the pub. Now this is a big pub, a converted church, and this cry of anguish was coming from 40-50ft away. A disgruntled student was pointing at a white blob on his arm exclaiming "that's not funny." and "do you want your chewing gum back?"

Suddenly it dawned upon us, we had utterly miscalculated the power of this new weapon. As Robert Oppenheimer said when he built the world's first atomic bomb; "I have become the destroyer of worlds.". Half the pub was coated in specks of thick gooey mayonnaise. The sofas, the chairs, the tables, and yes, the locals. All leading back in a triangular fashion to our table.

We downed our wine and ran away giggling uncontrollably. That fucking showed THEM.
(Fri 28th Apr 2006, 16:40, More)

» Pet Stories

Henry and Solomon
Henry was your typical wise-arse tabby alley cat, Solomon was a purebred pedrigree burmese we were given who despite his pedigree was worthless because he got his tail slammed in a door when he was a kitten.

Anyway, Solomon, being as inbred as the Duke of Edinburgh, was not the sharpest sandwich in the picnic. In fact, he was thick as shit.

Once, Henry decided it would be a merry jape to lie flat on one of our stairs pretending to be a step. Sure enough, Solomon proceeded to walk down the stairs, straight into the trap. Just at the right moment and with the biggest smirk across his face, Henry stood up and sent Solomon tumbling 8ft or so down the stairs, landing at the bottom looking even more dumbfounded than usual.

The fact that I was lucky enough to witness the orchestration and success of this feline practical joke always fills me with joy.

Oh yeah, this was many years ago. Henry lived a long and happy life and passed away some years ago. Solomon buggered off to the bastard old woman next door who used to feed him WHOLE CHICKENS and became so fat his legs buckled and he died :'(
(Fri 8th Jun 2007, 11:02, More)
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