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» Dad stories

Dads Protest Against the National Lottery
About 10 years ago my loveable and brilliant Dad was having trouble at work, the stress of being an account in a small town took its toll and he entered into a stage of bipolar depression. During which he did a lot of tragically hilarious shit, it was during this period that my story begins……..

I was sat in my bedroom about 2am when I got hungry, I walked downstairs into the kitchen and started to make some Super Noodles. The Noodles were boiled, the flavour was added….. when my Dad entered. He was in his dressing gown and looked kind of drunk but had a slightly menacing look in his eye.

‘Hello Kenneth, making Noodles are we?’

‘Errr…Yes Dad’

At was at this point he marched up to condiment cupboard, opened the doors, pulled out the nearest bottle, walked over to the Noodle pan and began to pour the entire contents in, after placing the empty bottle in the sink he came back, grabbed another bottle and repeated the process about four times.

I was more worried about the increasingly full Noodle pan, than my Fathers erratic behaviour. Then came the Schwartz spices, Oxo gravy granules, M&S chutneys, and Colemans mustard…….An avalanche of household names pouring into my Super Noodles……..

Just as the pan was beginning to resemble some kind of White Middle Class Gumbo, my Dad grabbed it and poured the entire contents onto the kitchen table, stubbed his cigarette out into it, then poured an entire ash tray over the top. He left the kitchen, leaving me in a mixture of mild amusement, concern and confusion, staring at the slowly congealing steaming mass of what was once my midnight snack.

Before I had chance to start cleaning it up, he returned with a wad of scratch cards from the Mail on Sunday, which he then proceeded to tear up and decorate the Noodle Pile with, he victoriously stubbed out one last cigarette into the pile and declared.

‘This is my protest against The National Lottery!

It was at this point I decided I better get my Mum.

‘Mum, Dads acting abit weird, he’s just poured noodles all over the kitchen table and started shouting about the National Lottery…..’

As my Mother got out of bed she uttered the immortal words

‘On no not again!’

I escorted my Mum down to the kitchen where my Dad was just lent on the kitchen side smoking, admiring his work, she took him by the hand and led him back upstairs. Just before the kitchen door shut my Dad leant round the side and shouted.

‘You told on me you bastard!!! I’ll fucking get you!!’

Slightly freaked out and still hungry, I was left with the task of cleaning up the Noodle Placenta……
(Sat 27th Nov 2010, 1:33, More)

» More Pet Stories

Sonic The Hamster
Growing up I went through a few hamsters, despite my best efforts to care for them they would usually die prematurely. I discovered Sonic cold and stiff lying at the bottom of his cage, seeing how distraught I was my brother tried to convince me he was just hibernating, to the point where I think he started to believe it himself. After I went to bed he took Sonic down to my Dad who examined him before declaring

"No. It's fucked."

Then he threw him on the fire.
(Mon 4th Feb 2013, 9:34, More)

» Homemade Booze

In 2008 I went to a music festival in Trena off the coast off Norway and camped out there for a couple of days. Around 10pm on the 2nd night some Norwegian festival goers let me have some of the local homemade moonshine also known as Hjemmebrent or home burnt (I had to google the spelling). I took a big swig out of a coke bottle and don't remember much after that. When I woke up the next day I had lost my wallet, glasses and camera. Due to it being Midnight Sun there was also 24 hour day light which meant this particular hangover was more a mindfuck that usual, when I eventually got someone to tell me the time it was 10pm the next night, I had literally lost around 24 hours of my life to moonshine induced amnesia.

When I found Dave my fellow adventurer he said I'd disappeared to the other side of the island with a gang of Norwegians come back unable to speak or stand up properly then passed out around 2pm. Some Norwegian goth later told me I'd dropped all my belongings over a cliff face trying to catch a sea gull and climbed up a water tower.

I got pancreatitis a couple of years ago and I think that may have a contributing factor.
(Sat 6th Dec 2014, 2:54, More)

» Getting other people into trouble

Amiga 500
Many years back my brother got an Amiga 500 which was his pride and joy I was told I was not allowed near it. I used to get home earlier from school than him and would sneak into his room and play on it, he caught me once and as a result was subjected to an evening of torture, continous wedgies (or melvins), held over the top floor bannister etc etc.

At the time there was a lad who I didn't really like who was always trying to hang around with me, so being a crafty bastard I invited him over after school, put him in front of the Amiga and left the room when I heard my brother arrive home.

Unfortunately the plan back fired as my brother wasn't about to start bullying someone else's child, as a result I took the full punishment while my victim sat and laughed at me.

The End
(Mon 22nd Oct 2012, 10:07, More)

» Black sheep of the family II

Surprise Uncle
A few years back my Dad found an old family photo of my Mum with her two sisters and a young lad he didn't recognise, upon further questioning it transpired she had an older brother she had kept secret for most of her life, apparently he'd burgled a load of houses and ran away when she was a teenager and had never been spoken of since. The only contact he has made during this time was some flowers that turned up at my Gran's flat during her wake.
(Fri 21st Feb 2014, 9:03, More)
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