» Food sabotage

The Mystery Of The Sneeze Chalice
*POP*

Once upon a time I had a boss who was a very bad man. He was ignorant and unintelligent but attempted to disguise these facts by bullying all of the staff under him. During the short time that he was boss (he would later develop a debilitating stomach ulcer) he reduced two of my colleagues to tears and actually reprimanded me for trying to console one of them.
Clearly this fellow needed to be taught a lesson and I felt that I should be the teacher. The first lesson involved rubbing a clove of garlic around his keyboard, mouse and contact-lense case which would have been unpleasant even if he HADN’T been allergic to the stuff.
When he was able to return to work two weeks later I enacted my second revenge upon him, the revenge of…The Sneeze Chalice.
See, I have a very sensitive nose and as our workplace was a tad dusty, I used to have a bit of a sneezing fit every morning at my desk (yes I’m one of those people who can’t sneeze without following it up with nine or so more sneezes). The Sneeze Chalice itself was a simple cup and every morning I would sneeze into it until a month’s worth of sneezes had collected in it (perhaps as many as 150 individual sneezes). The inside of the cup looked a bit manky but it wasn’t encrusted with snot or anything like. The smell though…ye Gods the smell!
Have you ever smelled a cat’s sneeze? They’re quite disgusting, musty rotten smelling things if you haven’t had the experience. Well, that smell to the power of five hundred was an accurate description of the disease-laden stink which emanated from The Sneeze Chalice.

Well, one day I made him a cup of tea in…yep…the Sneeze Chalice. I gave the contents a sniff and although you could tell that something wasn’t quite right, the tea smell masked it well. Nervously I presented him with the tea as my in-the-know colleagues retched at the thought of what was about to transpire. He took a sip and…pulled a face like he’d just had a mouthful of piss!
He looked straight at me and said (I kid ye not) “You haven’t put any sugar in this!”

One sugar later and he was gulping down hot sweet tea, seasoned with over a hundred congealed sneezes.

That wasn’t the first or last horrible thing I did to him, but it was certainly the most vile.
(Mon 22nd Sep 2008, 20:40, More)

» Personal Hygiene

SJM
When I worked in the Wolverhampton branch of GAME, we suffered from many a reeking customer. By far the worst though was a fellow we dubbed Smelly Janitor Man (SJM for short), his actual job being that of Public Toilet Cleaner.
He came in every day, would make bizarre death threats to us, would only buy the worst games and stank to high heaven. After suffering around 8 months of this, one day we positioned him in the centre of the shop and proceeded to hose him down with cans of air-freshener. Upon completing this decontamination ritual we solemnly intoned "Fuck off you moron and never come back."
"Don't worry, I won't" he grunted as he scuttled out of the shop.

He was back the next day.
(Fri 23rd Mar 2007, 12:31, More)