» Pretentious bollocks

art students
A friend of mine, while studying fashion at a london art school, often came across truly pretentious wankers. The weirdest was Rachel, a girl who had fits whenever she wasn't getting enough attention. One day, Rachel decided to have a fit in the middle of a busy courtyard. So while she's convulsing on the floor of said courtyard, rather than seeking medical assistance, a wanky art student proceeds to strategically place rocks around her, then stand back and admire his ground breaking work. Pretentious cockmonkey.
(Thu 29th Sep 2005, 7:45, More)

» My first love

So cruel
I must have been about 8. There was this white haired little freckley girl called Sarah, who had made it clear that she fancied the pants off me. I, however, was far more interested in bike stunts and football (and besides, she was an annoying ugly little bitch). Sooo, valentines day comes around, and at the end of the school day, she approaches me, gives me a sweet smile and says 'I spent all last night making this for you', and hands me a card in a pink envelope with a big red heart on it.

For some reason, I tore the card into little pieces in front of her.

Then kicked her in the vag.

I still wonder what was in the card.
(Wed 26th Oct 2005, 14:00, More)

» Misunderstood

new foreign job
When I lived in amsterdam, I was absolutely skint and needed an office job to earn some cash to get me back to uni in england. So I ended up taking a summer position in a car leasing company, in their claims department. The most tedious job you can imagine - yes, I had to manually sort 19,000 files in drawers.

Anyway, on my first day there, my dutch (although reasonable) wasn't exactly up to scratch when it came to understanding the insurance lingo. What I didn't realise at the time was the the word for a deduction from an account (aftrek) is very close to the word for a wank (aftrekken). So yes, on my first day I proceeded to approach my boss with a bit of paper, point at it and say 'what is it you want me to do about that wank there?'. Highly embarrassing. Then, at the end of the day, when he asked me if I was enjoying the job, I misunderstood and said very enthusiastically, 'oh...NO'. I don't think he liked me very much.
(Fri 7th Oct 2005, 8:29, More)

» Airport Stories

NY officials
New York - JFK Airport. Waiting in line to get through the customs (where they fingerprint you, take your photo, and make you sign away your first born just so you can stay there for 3 months). There was a yellow line on the floor with a sign saying 'dont step over this until its your turn'. Fair enough. Of course, there was a family in front of me with a 5 year old boy who kept running around and being a bit unruly. Cue the enormous, donut laden gun toting power freak (who was clearly stupider than a great big bag of stupidity) running over, and yelling at the little boy 'step BEHIND the yellow LINE, SIR!!!!!'

utter knobjockey.
(Fri 3rd Mar 2006, 15:28, More)

» Shame

back in my student days
a bunch of us decided to head out clubbing for the night. Rather than pay for expensive drinks in the club, we decided to start off at the halls bar. As a student it was of course my duty to drink well beyond my limit - and in this case, I remember having about 3 pints, 2 glasses of wine, a couple of whiskies...then I ended up in a friends room and we started matching each other with double shots of absinth (freshly brought back from the czech republic). We managed about six of these.

Obviously, everything after that is a bit of a blur, but I do remember being on the tube, feeling a bit queasy, then puking up a massive amount of runny/watery vomit all over peoples shoes. Then the train slowed down...which meant it ran all down the carriage over everybody.

I then puked on the escalator, in the entrance to the tube station, on the bus on the way home, and finally into my bin for about 4 hours.

The feeling of embarrassment and shame the following morning was only matched when being told that I'd somehow managed to wee off my friends penthouse balcony - in sloane square - onto some posh people in tuxedos.

On second thoughts, I shouldn't really be ashamed of that one should I??
(Fri 25th Nov 2005, 15:39, More)