b3ta.com user purplegod
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» Awesome Sickies

Accidentally called in sick
I have this weird voice thing which means that for the first hour or two after waking up I sound like death warmed up. So, anyhow, a few years ago, when I had a great boss (not the one I have now), I called his mobile around 8, from the train station, trying to say that I was going to be in late, as the trains were delayed again.

All I said was "Hello, R-----d!"

He said "Oh, my goodness! You sound awful. Will you be back in tomorrow?"

I suddenly twigged. "Er, I'll try, I said", and the call ended with him advising me not to push it too hard.

So I went home again, surprising my then partner, and we went out for the day. And the following day. Then I went back to work.

So, it wasn't my fault, I didn't *mean* to call in sick, it just... happened.
(Sat 10th Jun 2006, 10:24, More)

» School Days

Racist Taunts Recieved and Understood...
Picture this. Large bully, complete with his two backup thugs, corner little skinny funny-coloured kid. With only a small amount of prompting, the large bully manages to get a standard racist epithet out. Little skinny funny-coloured kid (OK, me) asks if he has any more. OK, that's the mental exertion for the day, and he decides to continue the conversation through the medium of fists. He accelerates towards me, leaking noise as he approaches. As he gets there, I step smartly aside, leaving him to faceplant the tarmac. It would seem I left a leg in his way. Oops.

He climbs to his feet, blinks until his brainstem is ready, and decides to swing a fist. It connects, hard. With the concrete pillar I had been standing in front of, until I ducked. Tragically poor pattern recognition meant that he had another go with the other hand. That went equally poorly, so he decided to try a headbutt. You know where this is going, don't you? I grabbed his arm, pulled him past me, and straight into the pillar again. He went down like a sack of potatoes. I looked at his wingmen (wingnuts?) and watched them walk away. There was no-one around, so I awarded him a bonus kick in the happy sacks and walked away too.

He spent two weeks in hospital, and never went near me again.

Teh funniez? He claimed he'd been set upon by six people, who'd beaten him up in an entirely unprovoked attack. Due to how badly he was battered, they believed it. I never admitted it to anyone other than my brother, and it's been my secret until now.
(Thu 29th Jan 2009, 22:33, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Ow, my neck!
So there I was, in a toilet cubicle at Uni. And, as you do, I began idly looking around. I happened to look right - and spotted, neatly etched on the grouting between the very shiny tiles, this phrase: "In case of emergency, look left."

Well, you would, wouldn't you. And if you did, you'd find, exactly opposite, the immortal words, "I said, in case of emergency, dickhead!"

I pissed meself. Luckily, I was in the toilet, so that was all right then.
(Fri 4th May 2007, 0:14, More)

» Cringe!

I could have pushed him back in his mother
Being a brassic, freshly-separated and about to be vigorously divorced single dad, I didn't have a lot of money. A swinging great chunk of what I did have went to the ex.

And so I shopped at Asda, reduced to buying the pwned label stuff.

I usually did my shopping with Demigod, bright and early on a Saturday morning, just to start of a Daddy and Sprog day properly. We'd whizz round Asda in the trolley, I'd spin it around sometimes so he could giggle, we'd throw stuff in the trolley, and - oh, you know. He'd have been around two and a half at this point.

One fine day, however, the usual plan went well norks northward. At the till, the trolley seemed somewhat fuller than usual, and just before I began unloading (ooer), I said to Demigod that I hoped we'd have enough money for the shopping.

"Oh," he said, "don't we have any money?" I said that we should have enough to pay for the shopping.

"Well," he shouted, "that's because you don't give my mommy enough money!"

Oh ghod. Not now, please. I think of this time as "the time I found out that a small child can actually make themselves heard across one end of a small town".

I protested feebly that I did. "No! You! Don't!" he screamed. "My mommy can't pay for her shopping and it's YOUR FAULT!"

At this point I rather uncharitably thought that she could raise some extra with a paternity suit against Brian Blessed.

He got louder and louder, angrily claiming that I was deliberately not giving his mommy enough money. I tried to shush him, but he was having none of it.

By the time I'd gone through the till, to hysterical laughter from some people and poisonous glaring from the rest, I was just hoping that it was actually possible to die of embarrassment. Really.

I wheeled him off to the car, still bellowing furiously. Who knew that car parks echoed so much?

By the time I got him in his seat belt, he was almost literally frothing at the mouth.

He fell asleep just as I began contemplating which blood vessel to open up.

(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 20:22, More)

» Unexpected Good Fortune

Well, I was surprised, anyhow
I went on an date with someone I'd been chatting to on an internet dating thing - and found Mrs. God. We're still happily together after almost 18 months. I don't think I'll ever be luckier than that!

(If you click 'I like this', I might send you a wedding invite!)
(Thu 14th Sep 2006, 22:29, More)
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