b3ta.com user Dr Nick Riviera
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Hi Everybody!
Mr Happy was actually a racist bigot on weekends.

what a great compo this is.
(Fri 22nd Aug 2003, 12:12, More)

Havent had time to put this into context
due to major IT hassles at work, but Im sure you all remember Hitlers secret weapon in the blitz, the ME16 Mescherhund.

(clicky for biggie)

Fantastic in dogfights.

On a tangent, Ive just been contacted with regards to having some of my snowboarding pics published in a book. Woo!!
(Wed 19th Feb 2003, 14:55, More)

here the picture

(Fri 6th Sep 2002, 12:42, More)

Regarding "Cut n Shut" Giraffes.
Here's how to avoid the pitfalls

(Wed 4th Sep 2002, 11:05, More)

Hayfever was killing me last night....
and the wife totally misunderstood me when I said I needed an eyebath.

Boom Boom
(Tue 6th Aug 2002, 13:13, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Crazy Relatives

My Dad.
My old man is an extremely intelligent eccentric. We've clashed over a few things, but Im glad he's my dad.

A very minor example to start with. As a boy/teenager, if I had friends around, and one broke, say a cup, my dad would then start throwing other crockery items around to make them feel less like they'd done wrong. However, this isn't what makes him stand out as crazy.

The defining anecdote about my dads mentalness is this...

Scene setting. Its the early eighties. 82/83. A housing estate in sleepy cheshire. Dad and one of his friends head off in the car (Vauxhall Marina) to do something. Can't remember what. Me and my Sis and Ma are sat at home doing whatever it was we did in the eighties.

Dad has a car accident. He's only got 3 or 4 hundred metres away from the house, when another car crashed into him.

Now, he was wearing his seatbelt, but they werent so tight or responsive in them days. Dad goes through the windscreen. Then the seatbelt pulls him pack through.

He turned the car around, and DROVE HOME!!

Calmy comes in through the front door, blood pumping out from all around his head and neck. We all scream. He looked like he's just re enacted the school ball scene from Carrie.

Wanders up stairs, spends a few minutes trying to clean himself up so he can assess the damage, before giving in, wrapping towels around his severely lacerated neck, and letting my mum drive him to the hospital.

Now, I don't know about you, but if I went through a windscreen both ways, my story would be end something like "I screamed like a girl for an ambulance."

And a final round up. When I was fifteen, I was going out with a seventeen your old girl. The week before my sixteenth, he suggested I might like to invite my girlfiend over for the weekend, which I duly did. Friday cometh, he bought me durex, and he moved into a hotel for the weekend.

He came back on the saturday morning. Bought us a full fried english brekkie in bed. Did a bit of nudge nudge wink wink, then buggered off again and left us to it.

What a legend.
(Tue 10th Jul 2007, 15:10, More)

» Near Death Experiences

Human Candle
A few years ago, I was suffering with very heavy clinical depression, and took some nice sweeties that the doc gave me. I spent a good few weeks wondering wether I should just kill myself and save some long term misery, but stuff got rosier, and I decided to get on with enjoying life.

A friend of mine sorted me out with a blind date, but it was back home in beautiful cheshire. So, on a friday afternoon, I got on my obscenely fast motorbike, which due to the necessities of medication, I hadnt used for about a month.

Eager to be on time for my date, I went down the motorway at naughty speeds. 20 minutes away from my intended destination, hurtling through rush hour traffic at about a ton, I noticed a trucker looking at me in sheer horror. It was then I looked behind me, to notice I had a ten metre comet tail of fire shoting out the back of the bike.

On further inspection, it appeared the whole bike was on fire, and the only thing stopping me getting roasted was my excessive speed.

I found it ironic that after weeks of thionking about how to top myself, my bike was going to do it for me.

Anyway, by a mixture of bravery and sheer dumb luck, I managed to get the bike on to the hard shoulder, and jump of it at a sensible speed. As it groundto a halt on the shoulder, it went pop three times, and turned into a ginormous fireball. I caused huge tailbacks, got on radio 1 travel time, and even into some of the papers....


When I phoned my date to tell her the reason I would be late, she thought I was bullshitting, and told me where to stick, my date.

How rude.
(Fri 26th Nov 2004, 14:07, More)

» Airport Stories

two incidents of memory for me.
First was going through customs at heathrow, about to go snowboarding with one of my mates. Rather large line at passport control. Having already had a few sherberts, I made a witty little joke as an icebreaker when I got to the front of the line.

says I "If Id have known it was going to be such a long uncomfotable wait, I'd have stashed a far smaller blade up my arse".

Customs man then takes me to one side and gives me an extreme bollocking in front of everyone, and tells me Im lucky not to have him and his colleagues checking my ring out. Note to self. Forget icebreaking humour.

later on in the year, Im returning from spain to gatwick. Late night flight, lots of rain, and an electrical storm. As we descend to land, everyone hears nasty nasty noises as the undercarriage tries, unsuccesfully, to deploy.

Pilot pulls a turn, and starts circling. We hear the undercarriage noise a few more times. Peole are starting to look unsettled. The pilot gets on the comm and says not to worry, the problem will be sorted soon. And in the meantime relax with some music.

R Kelly's "I believe I can fly" plays throughout the plane. Ive had a few G n T's, so I shout out, "this is it people, we are going in to the ground".

Took the cabin crew a good few minutes to calm everyone down, before the undercarriage finally deployed.
(Fri 3rd Mar 2006, 11:22, More)

» Breakin' The Law

Im sure a lot of people are aware of this already,
but a few years ago (seems like a lifetime now), I had a little run in with the law.

I left my flat on a friday evening to go and visit my dear mum for the weekend. Had a lovely weekend, and got some good R'n'R.

Mum drove me back on the sunday, and when we got to my flat, I was first through the door while mum was faffing with something in the car, which was lucky for me.

I got through the door and was horrified to find that all my possesions where scattered uncaringly aound the place and there was a note on the table, that to paraphrase said "The pigs were here, we've taken loads of stuff. Please come and be arrested by lunchtime tuesday."

Mum came in, commented that the place was a pig sty, and that was that for the moment. It wasnt until another three months down the line that she found out why my place was the sty it was.

The bastards had left all my vinyl next to the radiator. The had also seized over 100 items of "evidence" which lead to some moments of light relief while I was being interogated. When smug twat copper shows me a bag full of knives covered in a mysterious brown substance that they were very sure was resin, they refused to take a taste test to check my claim that I had been living off nutella sandwiches for a the last two weeks and was to lazy to wash up after myself.

The also confused an incense cone holder with a crack pipe. I ask you?

In the end the evidence list was dropped down to only three items, but that didnt stop me going to magistrates court five times, only for the magistrates to decide it was a matter they couldnt deal with, before bundling me off to crown court. Some arse court recorder decided I was public enemy number one and gave me six months and three months concurrent for possesion and intent to supply cannabis.

Prison food is shit, but the library privileges are great, and there are no bills to pay, so it wasnt all bad.

edit: I missed Christmas because of this. I mad it down to see my dad in the summer afterwards, and ended up picking my christmas presents up. Missed the last bus home and walked 5 miles quite drunk. Got picked up by the rozzers (they must have a radar for me). When questioned as to what was in the bag, my Reply of "Christmas presents" got me thoroughly searched, but they did apologise aftwerwards.
(Thu 8th Jan 2004, 9:19, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

I am probably responsible for a few people's grimmest moments,
as I have seem to have an affinity with vomit. Top of this would be when I did the journey from rhyll to manchester in the boot of a vauxhall cavalier, e'd of me nut. Knew I was going to be sick, and miraculously managed to completely fill the 2 litre coke bottle in the back of the car, without making any other mess.

The look on the drivers face when he let me out and I handed him the warm bottle. Twas a picture.

HJowever, nastiest thing Ive seen was after a party in my student days. Some friends had moved into a new house (Partially frnished), and decided to have a party before they moved all of their stuff in.

The house had been sat empty for about three months.

A fine party was had, but at about 3 am, I rather badly burnt my hands picking up two beer bottles that had been sat in front of an open fire for hours.

I needed meat. Cold mince/steak is very good for soothing burns, and one of the girls who's house it was said she had turkey mince in the freezer.

Head down to the kitchen. Two fridge freezers. One left by former tennants, although I am unsure of which was which.

Now, bear in mind at this point I will have been boozing for 12 hours, had more than my fair share of pollen, and a pill or two as well. Essentailly, a happy mindset, but a fragile and unstable one.

Pick a freezer. One of those with the freezer compartment at the top. Prize the door open with my elbow.

Litres and litres of maggots pour out of the freezer compartment. It must have been full to the brim. It was like the freezer was vomiting beelzebubs children all over me. Then, this ammonia, rotting fish smell invades my poor olefactory systems.

I screamed. Like a big sissy.

The new tennants spent the next half hour sweeping maggots up, and opening the windows up. I eventually got my turkey mince, and sat in trauma, unable to roll one up to help blot the experience from my memory, due to my fantastic meat mittens.

I never open strangers freezers now.
(Fri 22nd Jun 2007, 13:34, More)
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