» The worst sex I ever had

Thrush + Oral = Unpleasant
Many years ago, while I was at Art School, I had a crush on a young lady in my year. Eventually we were both single and hooked up at a party, ended up round a friends house in bed together.

She was very pretty, but lived in what amounted to a squat really with lots of the more hippy/traveller contingent of the College ("man, I just sculpt with faeces, it's a way of coming to terms with my third breast/petrified bollock/swinging gay parents/etc /etc").

This wasn't taken into account when I went down on her to find out that they didn't appear to shower in their particular squat, or at least not very often. Her bits were a little "high" to say the least, a bit like a Pheasant that’s been left to hang for too long I suppose (minus the maggots).

Anyway, very unpleasant, little chap lost interest and decided to have a snooze, I made excuses and we gave up trying to shag. I managed to brush my teeth and after a while we got it together, minus the oral, and that was that.

Until a few days later when I noticed my knob was very itchy and looked like I had sprinkled handfuls of Parmesan on it. I realised I had thrush.

I then also got oral thrush a day or so later. Fantastic, not sure if it's possible to get oral thrush from clam kissing, but the whole experience left me with a very bitter taste in my mouth (sorry) and a couple of years of approaching any ladybits with great trepidation, much sniffing, taste testing and eventually engagement.

Grim, grim , grim.

(My cheesy knob was, obviously, perfect and smelt like an English rose garden in Summer. Of this I have no doubt.)
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 15:25, More)

» What's the most horrific thing you've seen?

nuts
On holiday by myself in Turkey, on a deserted beach about 19k long, sunbathing. Luckily two German OAP's decide to pitch up just behind me (what about using the rest of the empty fucking beach you fucknuts?!).

Actually not so bad as I was laughing to myself as they stripped down to their birthday suits (with the bloke leaving his baseball cap on, nice look). Anyway I lay down again to sunbathe.

After a short while i turned onto my stomach only to be greeted with the c.70 year old man bending over to get something out of his bag. With his back to me.
All I could see were his bollocks hanging down somewhere around his knees and a peachy shot of his splayed, old, arsehole....
(Wed 27th Jun 2007, 17:07, More)

» Stuff I've found

Old German Porn
Staying in a hotel on a greek island with an old girlfriend I did the obligatory check of all the drawers etc.

In one drawer I found a large empty bottle of ouzo, an empty condom packet and a reel to reel porno film (sounds like crimbo round my dads house).
The flick was called "Mother Fucker mit Sound Mitten" or something very similar which I assume meant "mother fucker - with sound"!
It was a 70's film with a young german girl and guy shagging on the front of the packet and a 70+ year old woman joining in. Very unpleasant indeed.

Did find out that having a tug whilst threading the tiny film through my fingers and holding it up to the light at the same time was not the most relaxing way to spill my globs..
(Fri 7th Nov 2008, 12:27, More)

» My first experience of porn

page 3 - agreed- not really porn...fuckyouanyway.
At about 7/8 years old I found a big pile of old copies of the Sun my Gran had, I cut out all the page 3 girls and made a sticker (or should that be "sticky") book. I then decided than rather than being an observer I wanted to get into the production side of the business so drew a picture of a naked lady holding a sign that said "I love King Baldie", with lots and lots of detail. My mum found it which, at the age of 8, actually turned out to be more embarrassing than being violently raped by a tweezer cocked sparrow in front of the school assembly. (Less ticklish though, to be fair, and he did give me a cuddle after which was nice)
(Fri 26th Jan 2007, 14:39, More)

» Good Advice

hmm
find it, fuck it, kill it, burn it.

Sadly I'm blind, so I stumble at the first step.

Unless it's really noisy and has bells on it.
(Fri 21st May 2010, 11:46, More)