» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Grandad
A bit heavy but do persevere with it...!

Just last month my Grandfather died suddenly after suffering a massive stroke. He was in his 80's and had lived a good life, had travelled etc...

At his funeral, my Grandmother requested that the priest read out my Grandfather's favourite poem, Excelsior by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Now he was very particular about the way it should be recited, and after hearing it numerous times over the last 20 odd years off him, I kind of realised there is a bit of a knack to telling it.

The priest rattled through it the best way he could, like someone at an amateur dramatic society, his face contorting and so on... When he finished, he said "I'm sure Alan would have enjoyed that..."

After the service, my Grandmother turned to my Mum and whispered:

"I'm glad your Grandad couldn't hear that, he would have thought it was ruddy awful"
(Fri 12th May 2006, 10:53, More)

» Shame

Tramp
Waiting for a taxi following a night out in Cardiff, I decided to have a quick wazz while waiting for my cab. I leapt up the steps of the national museum of Wales to find cover behind the large stone columns at it's entrance. Being dimly lit, I found a lovely spot where no-one could see me, so I unzipped and let loose the twelve litres (well it felt like that) in my bladder and embarked on the longest piss ever. Only when I was zipping up I noticed a tramp was sleeping upright just to my left, and no doubt he was subject to a sly, and purely accidental, golden shower. On realising what I had done I looked around the foyer to see in the darkness about another six or seven tramps sleeping around me. I've never run so fast in all my life, and the shame will live with me forever.

If the said tramp is reading: I'm dreadfully sorry.
(Fri 25th Nov 2005, 17:15, More)

» Cheap Tat

Cheap tat from 'oop north'
I have some northern relatives, who excel in locating the crappiest items ever, as they only shop at Sunday markets or pound shops...

Cans of smell masquerading as deoderant

'Remote control' cars with short cables connecting the remote control, so in reality you have to follow three feet behind at all times

Action men dolls with two inch metal spikes under their heads

DIY kits where the screwdriver handles come away from the stem as soon as any pressure is applied, rendering them totally useless

Hand held LCD 'computer games' which take batteries only made in Russia

'Disposable' washing pegs which break after only one use

Razors that rust as soon as you open the packet

Bleach so weak you could drink it

Fake football shirts which shrink upward after one wash, turning them into crop tops

Generic toy cars which resemble no real car on earth (unlike Matchbox cars) and end up being used to throw at older kids drinking the other side of our garden fence

Fucking useless, the lot of it.
(Sun 6th Jan 2008, 15:28, More)

» Crap meals out

Benidorm Chinky
I've had some shit meals, but this one topped them all. Let me explain...

A fortnight away involves a great deal of diplomacy and deliberation over where you go for grub each evening. No that's a lie actually, we always ended up in some Liverpool pub that was showing Euro 2004 games. The food there was shit, but not as shit as THE CHINESE!

Fucking hell, everything about this place was gopping; my pint was minging, it was in the dirtiest pint glass ever (I swear they must have found it on top of a bus stop or something). The lager (allegedly Fosters) looked like something a cow had shat into a mucky bucket. One of the boys, a barman at the time, tested whether the glass was a 'head saving' glass. So he cracked the rim with the bottle of soy sauce from the table and it subsequently smashed and my lager was all over my prawn crackers - LOVELY.

When my main course turned up, boiled rice, chips, and beef and green peppers in a black bean sauce., I thought they'd sprinkled mucus all over the top of it, because I swear, I've had hundreds of Chineses (home and abroad) and I'd never seen anything like it.

I got up, chucked my money on the table, and fucked off down KFC (where I saw some kid in an England top take on twelve locals with a knife and a plastic patio chair)... More than made up for the disappointment!
(Sat 29th Apr 2006, 18:31, More)

» Fancy Dress

Donald Duck
Back in Sixth Form we were encouraged to take the lead when it came to popular charity fund raising days. Obviously 'Children In Need' is the highlight of this particular calendar, so me and my mate were arranged costumes for us for when we undertook the schools annual ritual of standing outside Safeways in Caerphilly with a bucket on a cold November morning.

When they arrived we had a choice; either the Cardiff City mascot outfit (then Bartley the Bluebird, a quite professional bit of Fancy Dress kit) or the mankiest Donald Duck attire ever. Suffice to say I ended up with this poor excuse for a costume.

To cut a long story short, I stood there freezing my knackers off for four hours, while my mate was enjoying the Tunisian-esque climate his insulated suit afforded him. To cap it off, we were roughed up by about twenty Year 9's from a rival school before being collected at lunchtime. *I managed to catch one of the little bastards with a half full bucket of coppers, and no doubt the c*nt had the sound of loose change ringing in his ears while he spent the afternoon smoking/drinking/thieving etc...

* If you are engaged in combat by a large group of youths, it's best to not have a fancy dress costume on, as it seriously hampers your mobility and scrapping ability.
(Sun 15th Jan 2006, 10:23, More)