b3ta.com user Carravanquelo
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» Airport Stories

I handed over my passport to Rainier Wolfcastle who was manning the customs box at Niederrhein airport. He looked at it for a moment and furrowing his giant German brow, he tapped something up on his computer.

"Oh no, you in biiiiig trouble."

There was a brief moment of panic and bewilderment, before he followed up with

(Mon 6th Mar 2006, 16:24, More)

» Pretentious bollocks

2 hours of my life
my actor buddy raved about this brilliant play, so along i went.

There were 3 player – angry fella, crazy woman, and soldier type.

Angry rants a lot for half an hour, to no-one in particular, takes clothes off for no reason, rapes crazy woman.
Crazy woman disappear briefly, brings back dead baby, leaves it on the windowsill and wanders off.
Enter the soldier – he rapes angry bloke for a good 10 minutes, then tears his eyes out. There was much squirming in seats and a couple of people even walked out at this point..but I was going to get my money's worth, gosh darn it.
Angry comes round, feels around for the baby and tears the baby’s eyes out.
The end.

Cue massive standing ovation.

(Fri 30th Sep 2005, 11:49, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

made me laugh anyway
Came round the corner onto my road one night to see this

enjoyed it for several months.
(Thu 3rd May 2007, 21:44, More)

» When were you last really scared?

ravenous, man-eating jaguar, apparently
On holiday in South America late last year, we spent the night at the bottom of a canyon in some shoddy yet endearing little huts. I had gone to sleep worrying about spiders and buggy type menaces, but this was to be the least of my worries. sort of.

I woke in the dark black blackness of the darkest night I've ever seen from a dream about hungry jaguars roaming the campsite in search of HUMAN FLESH upon which to feast.

A mere moment after dismissing the dream, I heard a sound very much like that of a growling big cat, and it sounded like it was INSIDE THE HUT. I instantly had visions of a prowling jaguar ready to pounce, then of one gnawing on the bloodied corpse of my young hut-buddy. I lay petrified for several minutes, trying to settle on a course of action. Do I turn on my torch? would that scare away or entice a killer beast? WHAT DO YOU DO???

Mustering up all my resolve I flicked the switch on my torch..... NOTHING. Where did the hungry super-feline go? the "door" appeared as closed as possible. WAS IT UNDER MY BED???

No, it was not.

For as it transpired, the terrifying growls of the fluffy, bloodthirsty predator were the BLOODY DONKEYS OUTSIDE BRAYING GENTLY IN THEIR SLEEP.
(Fri 23rd Feb 2007, 14:32, More)

» When were you last really scared?

Nocturnal Amputee
I was having a vivid dream that I had lost my arm in a motorcycle accident somehow. My dream was about re-learning how to do everyday tasks one-armedly, such as making a cup of tea. This task was particularly harrowing for some reason as it woke me up with a gasp of horror, in the traditional bolt-upright style. Upon waking I noticed that I COULDN'T FEEL ANY OF MY RIGHT ARM - from the shoulder down was NOTHING, NOTHING!!
I jumped out of bed in a state of abject terror, only to be greeted by my twilight reflection, in which I COULDN'T SEE MY ARM EITHER!!!
I screamed like a little piggy and flailed wildly; only then was my completely-asleep-from-the-shoulder arm revealed. I had to flop it around like an elephant's trunk for a good 5 minutes before the feeling came back.
(Fri 23rd Feb 2007, 14:06, More)
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