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» Guilty Laughs

Bicycle Rape
On the way to work a month or so ago a cyclist went past me at a fair speed – he was standing up on the pedals, his bum a few inches off the saddle.

There was a clatter and the saddle suddenly fell off leaving a nice shiny chrome tube pointing in the general direction of his arse!

Anticipating a comic moment I stopped, waited and watched. It wasn’t long before he tried to sit on the missing saddle! An anguished cry as the tube inserted a sizeable portion of his Lycra shorts up his choccy starfish!

As he limped off to retrieve the saddle I was shaking with laughter and could barely stand upright!
(Fri 23rd Jul 2010, 10:56, More)

» Darwin Awards

The Yodelling Kettle
In 1970 a young and fresh-faced Vambo began working in the laboratory at a cardboard mill. My duties (as well as testing cardboard and industrial effluent) included making the tea. Now the kettle in the laboratory was old and slow (a bit like our boss the curmudgeonly Dr Murdoch) and this meant that the kettle had to be filled and plugged in at 9.30 in order to get a reasonably warm cuppa.

When the kettle finally died, a suitable sum was extracted from petty cash and a new kettle purchased. The new kettle was chrome and domed - rather like the top of Dalek. The kettle had no lid and was filled via the spout that had lines on the back plate that indicated how full it was. The new kettle was a wonder to behold! It boiled in a minute or so and its chrome dome was lovingly polished by the womenfolk and it was admired by all.

Disaster struck in the form of Pete. Pete was another Laboratory Assistant and whilst getting off the lab work bench he was sitting on, managed to knock the cord of the chrome wonder. The kettle slid to the end of the workbench where it teetered for a second before landing on the concrete floor. A mortified Pete picked up the kettle and was horrified to see a large dent. Gladys and Marilyn the self appointed polishers of the chrome dome were upset and moaned and shouted at Pete for despoiling their precious!

Pete told me he was going to fix the kettle. “Great!” I said “How?” Pete replied "It’s easy I’ll use pressure to push it out from inside!”.
A few days later and we have the lab to ourselves at lunchtime. Pete measures the kettle’s spout and proceeds to carve a large cork. It was an exact fit. As mentioned the kettle had no lid and was filled via the spout so Pete figured part filling the kettle and blocking the spout would produce sufficient pressure to push out the dent when it boiled.

After filling the kettle, ramming the cork tightly home and winding a few turns of tape around the spout Pete switched on. I had a kind of bad feeling about this and retired to a safe distance, Pete however stood close by so that he could switch off when the dent popped out.

Minutes ticked by and suddenly “WHAM” and the cord shot out and snaked across the bench. A horrid “Yueeergh” kind of noise erupted from the kettle closely followed by a resounding “POP” as the cork flew out of the spout and hit the far side of the lab. A huge jet of steam shot out of the kettle, hit the ceiling, condensed and fell as rain over the workbenches. At the same time the kettle shot backwards at an amazing speed and clobbered Pete fair and square in the bollocks!!!

Apart from the sore ‘nads Pete also had a burn or two on his legs and worst of all the chrome kettle acquired another dent!!
(Tue 17th Feb 2009, 17:35, More)

» Guilty Laughs

A slight dip in Anglo - Syrian relations
Changing bus in Allepo, my then wife asked me where to stow her rucksack. I pointed out the baggage hold with an outstretched hand. My open palm loudly made contact with the bald pate of a Syrian gentleman who was stooped over stowing his luggage!

The Syrian gentleman looked enraged and people stared at me muttering. My wife looked horrified. I apologised profusely in broken Arabic which calmed things down.

I then went and spoiled it all by sitting down on the bus and shaking and practically crying with laughter.
(Fri 23rd Jul 2010, 12:38, More)

» The Police II

In the Time Before Honda Accords
There were 4 of us in a Triumph Herald convertible that was parked in a car park halfway up Box Hill.

Many spliffs were rolled and as we had purchased some fine quality Red Leb we were all wasted after half an hour or so. From our elevated vantage point we watched cars and also planes going to and from Gatwick. We were at peace with the world and the world was at peace with us as we alternately gawped at the world with scary eyes and dozed in a marijuana induced haze.

"Err-Hum!!" and we all woke up to reality to see a policeman standing next to us and Panda car parked a short distance away.

"Hi" the policeman said "What are you doing up here at this time of the morning?"

We bullshitted about enjoying the view and the planes and cars etc and the policeman seemed to really empathise with our stoned logic.

"Yeah", "It's really peaceful up here - you can feel at one with the world" he said and nodded sagely. We agreed and he suddenly said "Oooh look: there's a pixie over there!!"

Yes, we all looked, whilst the policeman walked back to his car sniggering!!!
(Fri 6th May 2011, 22:01, More)

» Stalked

Me a Stalker?
It was 11.20 at night and I was travelling home on a bus having just finished late shift. As I got up to ring the bell a rather pretty nurse gave me a smile.

The only thing on my mind was my full bladder, the two pints that I'd had during my "teabreak" were making their presence known.

The bus arrived at the stop and the pretty nurse alighted, with me following behind her. The nurse was headed in my direction, but at the time all I was thinking about was a pee!

As the nurse approached the flats where I live her pace increased and she made a few nervous glances behind her. Seeing me hot on her heels as it were,she began to panic.

I was gobsmacked when the nurse got out a key and entered my block of flats! The door was firmly slammed shut by the nurse!

I reached for my keys and opened the door to the stairwell, the nurse looked down at me with real terror. "It's OK!" I called out "I live here and I need to dash for the loo!".

I don't think she heard or understood what I said, because as I was dashing upstairs to avoid pissing my pants, the nurse's footsteps were getting quicker and quicker!

The nurse reached her floor and slammed her door behind her and I carried on to the next floor and just made it to the loo with my back teeth on shore patrol!

I saw my new neighbour a few days later! We had a bit of a laugh about the misunderstanding!
(Tue 5th Feb 2008, 13:03, More)
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