» Teenage Parties

age is everything
Used to have a fantastic mate called Rosie, and we were round her house having a few beers and a laugh. Anyway, a friend of mine was wankered out of his tree and had taken a real liking to Rosies dog Oscar.

He sat there with it for a very long time, chatting to it, feeding it salt and vinegar crisps (that dog was utterly addicted to crisps after that) and Fosters. Yep, that dog didn't half put it away that night, until Rosie noticed what was going on...

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??? THE DOGS PISSED! LOOK, HE CAN'T EVEN WALK PROPERLY!"

"Nor can I!" He replies with a grin

"You could kill him!! You can't get dogs pissed!!"

"Well, he seemed to like it..."

"DO YOU KNOW HOW OLD HE IS???"

"err...?"

"ABOUT 75 IN DOG YEARS!!!"

And then he comes out with the best line I've ever heard. It's dead silent, everyone watching her going mental:

"Well, he's old enough to know better then, isnt he?"

I cried...
(Sat 15th Apr 2006, 0:57, More)

» Too much information

Phone sex
You remember those sony t610 phones that made a brrrrrp DING! sound when you get a message?

Few years back at uni:

Text : "You coming out for a beer dude?"

Reply from mr t610 owner : "You sent me that at the EXACT moment I just came in my missus."

A simple yes or no would've sufficed...
(Thu 6th Sep 2007, 22:22, More)

» Airport Stories

Dodgyness
So... I'd been to france one summer to meet up with a rather nice girl I'd met some years back. The week went rather well and on the last night things got very fruity indeed. However, this was all taking place in her parents house who had no idea anything was going on, so at 5am she leaves my room to go back to hers "as if nothing happened" So I go to sleep a happy man...

Next morning I wake up and start to pack my stuff. It's then I notice she's left her underwear on the floor, and her parents are about to come in and sort the room out. What to do? Simple, I thought. So I bunged it all in my bag with the intention of giving it all back to her later. Honest. No, really...

Anyway, I forgot all about it and was getting a connecting flight back to england from Paris cdg. I was going through the x ray scanner jobbies when the belt stops, the guy operating it looks confused and then my bag goes back through the scanner again and this woman with a moustache starts to walk over to me.

Its at that point I did the thing that most people do in such a situation and looked completely guilty even though I'd done nothing. Mrs moustache then says in her best broken english "Err, can I look in ze bag?" and obviously I replied "Yeah! Of course! No problem..."

As the words left my lips I had vivid recollection of what I'd stuffed in my bag that morning. I could see said items in my head, and they were... At the very top of my bag. Time stopped as she slowly undid the zip. My mind was racing "How in gods name do i explain having womens underwear in my bag??"

She looked at me

I looked at her

I grinned. Inside, I was dying...

The lesson to be learned here children, is that NO one is going to believe you in such a situation if you try to make out you're not some weirdo transvestite wannabe who likes having a bit of lingerie in their hand luggage...

Oh yeah, why did they want a look in there? I had a block of cheese in there and they thought it was something dodgy. Bugger...

Length and girth? Not since the operation...
(Fri 3rd Mar 2006, 12:21, More)

» Secret Santa

Reverse...
I've never given anything to someone I hate...

... but someone did once buy me a Pummice Stone for christmas not so long back, and it wasn't for a joke either...
(Sat 16th Dec 2006, 0:36, More)