» Not Losing Your Virginity

Stupidity
Through my own short fallings, I have never been able to realise when it is that a girl has taken a shine to me. The immortal words 'Do you want to come for a walk in the woods with me?' She said, in a short skirt and low cut top 'Nah, I've got my new trainers on' says I, without blinking an eye, 2 hours it took for me to realise what she meant.
While performing menial tasks every so often I regress back to that moment, and I die a little inside.
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 12:52, More)

» On the stage

A really shit play
When I was in the first year of primary school we put on a production, as always, of the birth of Jesus and that. The parts were few and far between so I really kicked up a fuss and wanted to be in the play. Unfortunately the only parts going were the parts of miscellaneous angels, of which I refused to be. So in there near biblical wisdom the teachers created a part for me, through which I would be present for the duration of the play.
I played the rock.
I sat in a bin liner with dust on me for 45 mins, beaming from ear to ear. Only now I realise how degrading this performance actually was. Can you imagine my parents going to watch the play expecting me to be Joesph or a wise man..
(Mon 5th Dec 2005, 11:37, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

McDonald
I met Ronald McDonald when I was younger, don't be fooled, he actually ISN'T a paedophile
(Thu 25th May 2006, 14:49, More)

» Worst Nicknames Ever

Unfortunate
I've got a mate called Richard Williams, the nicknames for both of these are used to give Dickbill. No matter how hard you try, everytime you say it, it sounds abusive
(Fri 19th May 2006, 8:21, More)

» Celebrities part II

Not Mary Carey unfortunately another silliebrity of similar namesake
Me and the Mrs. went to Universal Studios early last year in LA after having saved for nearly two years to fly to the fucking states. The day was going swimmingly, and I was really enjoying myself until we came upon Dueling dragons.
We cued for nearly an hour for the fire dragon, not being aloud to transfer over to the more quickly moving Ice dragon by an upstanding jobsworth. About 40mins in, a leaving patron had taken it upon themselves to regurgitate all of their over priced Pizza and chips quickly following that with an unplanned bowel movement. The smell was putrid and I just wanted to leave, but the wife couldn't justify this, so on we plodded.
Just before, and I mean we were next in line, we got on, none of the barriers would go up o let us on, so we waited. And waited. And waited, until a small side hatch opened down the way. Out steps two of the biggest fucking bouncers you've ever seen behind which Maria... Miss M. Carey appears. Now I'm all for a choice piece of blart, but she looked rank. Spotty, sweaty, short and tits akimbo. Over the tanoy announces her arrival, and she waves like the fucking queen at everyone. No one says a fucking word. So in silence she adorns the seatbelt and away to go. For us all to keep waiting.
Everybody stands there in the sweltering, shit and spew aromated lines waiting for her to come back. On her arrival, she hops off, another regal wave and says to her bouncer. "Eewww, it smells, I'm glad we didn't queue.
I know it wasn't long to wait a bit more, considering we'd waited so much before. But that last wait was like a thousand lifetimes. Stewing away. Toiling the hatred.
Ruined my day that did.
Bitch
(Wed 14th Oct 2009, 16:20, More)