b3ta.com user superscape
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I love tasty cheese. I really do.

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» Nativity Plays

I was about seven and was cast as one of the shepherds. We were to enter, stage left, talking amongst ourselves. There were no lines, just the instruction to 'talk amongst ourselves'.

I asked a teacher what sort of thing we we should say and was told, "Just say 'rhubarb'". Now, I may not have been great at improvising dialogue, but I *was* good at organising and motivating...

Enter stage left, a group of shepherds inexplicably bellowing, "Rhubarb!" perfectly in unison.

The following year I was a tree.
(Sun 29th Mar 2009, 17:55, More)

» Stuff I've found

Aquatic Bunghole and a BMX
Walking on the beach, I found a dolphin's arse (or possibly a porpoise). I say 'arse' - it was kind of the section from the back of it's fin to the start of where it's tail should be. Next to the arse was a bent BMX bike.

I expect they were just randomly washed up together, but I like to think they were the tragic result of a dolphin's over-ambitious BMX stunt.
(Tue 11th Nov 2008, 20:03, More)

» Cringe!

Accidental Racist
I was on holiday a few years ago in Scotland with a few friends at New Year. It was foul weather and we ended up sheltering in a deserted pub on the Isle of Skye - not a soul in it. Very dull, but at least it was warm and dry and had beer.

Conversation turned to the ill-advised cowboy boots a friend back home had been seen in. With my back to the rest of the empty pub I stood up and did an impersonation of him walking down the street, cowboy style and as my hands hovered over imaginary six-shooters, I made the sound of the imagined spurs, "Chink, chink, chink..."

...admittedly not the funniest thing I've ever done, but I didn't expect the shocked faces on my audience. Turns out three Chinese people had walked in the door behind me at exactly the wrong moment.

What's the odds of bumping into three Chinese people in the middle of winter on the Isle of Skye at the exact time you innocently shout, "Chink, chink, chink", eh? Well, if you're me, it's pretty much a dead cert... I shouldn't be allowed out.
(Sun 30th Nov 2008, 19:55, More)

» Tramps

Gorilla in the garden!
In my delightful home town we have a tramp/mentalist by the name of Tick Tick. He has a loose grip on reality and is prone to shouting random things for no discernable reason.

Once I was walking up a staircase in Boots and was surprised to pass Tick Tick talking quite amiably and reasonably to a small group of 12-13 year olds. Strange, I thought, and assumed some new medication was working wonders.

As I came down the stairs having completed my business Tick Tick was still chatting away to the kids. As I reached the bottom I heard him scream the immortal words, "Gorilla in the garden! GET HIM OUT!", followed by the sound of frightened children scattering.
(Sat 4th Jul 2009, 18:44, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Poor old Kelly
One of my favourites was on a bus shelter, "Kelly will suck your cock in return for a good ham sandwich". Not just any ham sandwich, you understand - it has to be a good one. Probably with mustard and fancy bread.

Wasn't sure whether it was an allegation or an advert.
(Fri 4th May 2007, 16:54, More)
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