» Have you ever seen a dead body?

Getting between Men and Beer
A lifetime ago, I used to work in Bars/Hotels in Edinburgh.

The incident occurred when I was working in a respectable Hotel bar. It was a very busy place, frequented by the "in crowd" (or at least that's what they thought)...or perhaps it was a cattle market...oh, yes that's right, it had a sign outside declaring:

"Meet/Mix/Match/and Relax..."

So, picture the scene....Saturday night...I come on shift @ 5pm and the regulars are already getting a little, ahem, happy. It is horseshoe bar, with stools that we remove for Sat night so people can get to the bar.

On one of the stools is a couple of guys I haven't seen before - it turns out they are celebrating one of their 32nd birthday. "nice try" I say, thinking they were just trying to get a free drink...they laugh and I carry on serving the rest of the punters...

Fast forward four hours and they are still there (dark rum and cokes going down nicely). I watch as the guy having the birthday falls off his stool...he wasn't pushed, so I thought he had just had enough...but no! He had had a brain hemorrhage and we learned later that he was probable dead before he hit the floor.

So we call an ambulance, which duly comes and the paramedics get all their machines out and they all go "beep"...the police come and tell us that we need to close the bar whilst they investigate.

This is when the customers of the bar show their human side...

One that sticks in the memory is a guy stepping over the medics and the body - the conversation went like this:

Him "2 pints of lager please"
Me "'fraid the bar is closed"
Him "What??? it is only 9pm!!!"
Me "The guy you just stepped over is dead"
Him "Can't you move him?"

Lovely...
(Tue 4th Mar 2008, 12:12, More)

» Shoplifting

Ahem...Stock Replenishment
I used to work in a late night bar in Edinburgh (usual shite - loads of fights/people trying to have sex with each other in the toilets), anyhoo...after work I would walk home, stopping off at the local BP garage for a tasty (!!!) micro-burger.

As the months went on, I got friendly with the guy who worked nights in the garage...I started to refill the sweets in the shop (this was in the 80's when Petrol stations shops were open rather than that "shouting through the little hole they opened near the till" stuff). He was grateful as he couldn't be arsed with it and was glad of the company...so occasionally I would nick a Marathon (yes I am that old)...then I realised that the stock room held much much more than just sweets...oh my!

Soon I was helping myself to packs of 200 Malboro, packets of 35mm film, tins of baked beans (hey I was taking home £60pw!) - then it got really messy, as drunkenly I would tell my mates...fast forward to a night on the bevvy...4 drunks in enormous coats stumbling around the stock room stuffing anything they could lay their hands on into their pockets...

Strangely that was the last time I was let in the stock room again...although later the dude who worked there showed piccies of his girlf naked...not sure why...Oh and he didn't get sacked or anything (phew)

And I am now sensible and grown up and responsible and all those other things (apart from spending too much time on the interweb...)

Length? manly but soon shrivels when I think of the guilt...
(Fri 11th Jan 2008, 14:00, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

Art/Pub/Humour/Terror
I was using a urinal in a pub in Cowgate in EDinburgh (Bannermans I think), when I looked up to see that someone had written:

I.R.A

in huge letters on the wall...someone had written this below it:

Gerswhin?

Fabulous!
(Sat 5th May 2007, 12:39, More)

» Procrastination

Report Writing
So my boss asked me to phone a really dull man about some reports he wants written...

I was meant to phone him on Monday - the reports are needed next Monday...it is Thursday and aI haven't done either and now I am crapping myself...ffs!

Can I say Cock?
(Thu 20th Nov 2008, 11:23, More)