b3ta.com user lawlam
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» The Police

Dog Fun
My friend, E, as a new copper, was called to go to a house where the occupier had been reported for having relations with his dog in the back garden.

Did E's partner and superior arrest the man for animal cruelty? No, apparantly he offered the following advice.

If you're going to **** your dog, don't do it in the ****ing garden where every ****er can see you, do it in the ****ing house so we don't waste our ****ing time chasing up sad ****ing pervs like you.
(Thu 22nd Sep 2005, 11:35, More)

» Buses

Dented Bus
One fine day I pulled out of my drive in a very small car (Vauxhall Tigra) and around the back of a bus stopped next to my flat.

2 months later there was a knock at the door from a policeman. Apparrantly I had dented said bus with my car and not stopped.

"But Mr Policeman, come and look at my car, it's shiney and black with no hint of damage or bus paint" said I.

"Ok" said Mr Policeman "I'll write a report that there is no damage to your car and that it has not been repaired".

2 months later I get a court summons for damage to the bus and loss of bus earnings while it was being repaired! Apparantly my little car had dented the bus so badly that it had to be taken off the road. My car was hardly taller than the floor of the bus.

At this point I talk to a lawyer.

The lawyer agreed that the bus company must be mad and after lots of letters and help from him we were ready to go to court.

On the morning of the court case Arriva rang up the lawyer to say they were willing to drop the case.

Now, at the time, I was looking after a very sick (soon to be no more) husband so I really didn't want to spend the time away from him in court. Even though the lawyer thought we could get his fees paid if we continued to go to court I decided I could afford the lawyer but not the time.

The lawyer, who knew about my situation, was an angel called Xavier. He only charged my 20 quid for all his work. He is a beautiful person.

Arriva on the other hand are gits.
(Fri 26th Jun 2009, 9:51, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

Pinball Wizzard
In a pub next to Manchester Oxford Rd Station I got the best pinball score ever in the whole entire world, or that's what I thought.

Apparantly, after taking a couple of trips, what really happened was that I spent a rather long time with my forehead glued to the glass on the top of the pinball table frantically flipping the flippers. There wasn't even any credits on the machine.

Ah well, cheap night out.
(Fri 16th Dec 2005, 3:51, More)

» Misunderstood

My Mum told me that she'd heard that the children who'd killed Jamie Bulger had been watching fluff movies.

Also my Auntie anounced at a christmas party that she'd had a dildo rail fitted around the lounge

Swap for snuff and dado rail respectively
(Tue 11th Oct 2005, 7:07, More)

» Real-life slapstick

Up to his neck in it
We had a portacabin delivered to work for the Goods in dept (2 guys and a kettle) and for a few weeks there were temporary steps up to it. One day however somebody came along to put a more permanent platform at the top of the steps. On said day it consisted of a woden box containing 5ft of wet concrete. And yes, some idiot walked to the top of the steps straight into the concrete. He was literally up to his neck in it. You really couldn't have staged it better.
(Fri 22nd Jan 2010, 9:12, More)
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