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» Awesome Sickies

Actually going to work, but then getting some sleep....
I used to work in a big office, and was getting trained to use Oracle at the time. Whilst not at work I was also doing copious amounts of whizz and generally party-heartying it up, and got to feeling a bit tired at my desk. So when I had one of those moments when you just need 10 minutes shut-eye to get you through the day, I developed a couple of techniques...

Pretend to be studying Oracle manuals intently, put the book on the desk and rest your head in your hands with your elbows also on the desk, making sure your hands obscure your eyes. You can then shut your eyes and watch the pretty patterns on your eyelids. Only drawback with this is when you actually fall asleep, and are rudely awoken by your head hitting the desk, you look like a bit of a cunt.

The other one is to mention "ooh, bit of a hot curry last night lads, bad guts" and slope off to the bog. Once there, get a load of bog roll and scrunch it up into a ball, then sit on the bog and rest your head on your lovely, comfy bog-roll pillow against the cubucle wall. Then you can have a nice little kip undisturbed...

Once doing this I fell asleep on the loo for about an hour and a half, and on my return no-one actually seemed to notice or even give a rusty fuck, so I used the technique repeatedly to pop off to the shops or have a few games down the arcade...
(Fri 9th Jun 2006, 14:53, More)

» The passive-aggressive guilt trip

How To Turn Your Child into a Self-Loathing Alcoholic in Three Easy Steps - A Guide for Parents
My Mother in Law seems to be absolutely convinced her daughter will become an alcoholic, so much so, in fact, that she seems hell-bent on making it happen. So the other night I sent her this handy guide based on her recent behaviour. Yes, we were pretty pissed...

Step 1:
Berate your progeny severely whenever they enjoy a few glasses of wine over a friendly game of school-night Scrabble, keep this up whenever you observe any sign that alcohol has been involved in any kind of enjoyment. Remember, you must keep up the pressure that they _will_ become an alcohlolic if any kind of fun is alcohol related, _especially_ if it involves sex.

Step 2:
Apply emotional pressure. Yes, that's right, do everything in your power to make them feel _guilty_ about enjoying themselves, cry if necessary. Guilt is your best friend, not only will it twist them into associating alcohol with guilt, but with a bit of luck, it might twist them into associating _any_ kind of pleasure with guilt. This is especially important if you want to prevent your son/daughter enjoying any kind of sexual activity.

Step 3:
This is the real clincher. Once you have attained the 'power of guilt' by carefully following steps one and two, start a competition with your son/daughter as to who can abstain from alcohol and/or pleasurable activity* the longest. During this period, be unobtainably pious in everything you do - Remember, you do not drink, you do not enjoy loud music, you do not have fun, and you _especially_ do not enjoy sex. If the emotional pressure has been applied correctly in step two, this will ensure that when they do lapse (and they will - well, we're all human, aren't we?), the guilt will be so unbearably great that they will feel like a complete and utter failure.

If you have follwed these steps carefully, you will have sucessfully turned your son/daughter into a mass of guilt-ridden self-loathing, and once this emotional bonfire is fuelled by alcohol, it will ensure that they will never again know the true pleasure of pure, uninhibited fun.

* No, that doesn't include gardening or DIY.

Fortunately, she took it well, so I'm still in posession of my dangly bits...

first post, woohoo!
(Sat 15th Oct 2005, 15:31, More)

» Awesome Sickies

bog roll mouth
ok, here's a top tip if you can't be arsed getting out of bed and going to your shit job. Have done this at just about everywhere I've worked.

1. Call your boss and say you've been up all night with hideous toothache and have an emergency apointment at the dentist, but you'll make it into work after you've been (to show you're a keen worker, not a skiving layabout like you are)

2. Spend until after lunch in bed sleeping and wanking.

3. After lunch, stuff some rolled up bog roll or cotton wool between your cheek and your gums, to make you speak like a mong, and call back saying that you've had root canal, and your in so much pain and so full of anasthetic you really can't make it in.

4. Go back to bed.

Your boss will appreciate you making the effort, and everyone will sympathise and tell you their horrific dentist stories when you get back to work..
(Fri 9th Jun 2006, 11:20, More)