b3ta.com user xwoody01
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have a look at my shit website

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» The passive-aggressive guilt trip

Major Morgan
When I was about 5 I had a toy called Major Morgan. It was a little plastic man that said different phrases and made different sounds.
We were all in the back yard on a sunny day and my Mum had her feet in a bowl of water. (typical council estate therapy). I threatened to give Major Morgan diving lessons if I couldn't have an ice cream. The ice cream never materialised so I proceeded to test the bouyancy of MM. When I pulled the wet toy from the bowl it started making creepy dying sounds like Steven Hawking on diazepam.
Me Mum said "aww, Daniel. You have killed him! You murdered Major Morgan"

cue tears- early bed.
I was so guilt ridden for weeks after, when we sung all things bright and beutiful in primary school, I'd cry for the Major.
(Sun 16th Oct 2005, 12:07, More)

» Food sex

There was this guy...
He was in A&E having a bottle of ketchup removed from his anus. His explanation was this: "I was making a sandwich and I had put the bottle on the floor while I had to get something from the top of the cupboard. While I was on the counter reaching up, I sneezed and my trousers fell down, I slid off the counter and landed on the bottle which went right up my arse." He was unable to explain why there was a condom over the bottle.
(Fri 7th Aug 2009, 11:49, More)

» Child Labour

I'd like to tell you about our old gas meter. When I was only about 6 or 7 My mother told me it was a magical money box. So every pound coin I gained went straight into the meter. Weeks passed. I didn't know how to retrieve the monies and my mum was unable to furnish me with an appropriate answer.
I soon rendered the meter inoperable resulting in a visit from transco (or whoever it was then)
(Mon 20th Feb 2006, 13:38, More)

» Grandparents

When I was six or seven I was at my granddads house one day and for some unknown reason I decided to kick him in the balls. "Daniel" he croaked "you must never, ever do that to me again"
(Sun 5th Jun 2011, 5:30, More)

» Beautiful Moments, Part Two

On tuesday I filmed this
It's been the best thing I saw all week.
(Fri 6th Aug 2010, 6:36, More)
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