b3ta.com user Carling, pint of
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» I met a weirdo on the interweb

i met a girl on the interweb once. we got chatting, nice girl... she gives me a number, and it doesnt take long for filth to ensue.

anyway we chat away for a couple of weeks, and i'm contemplating going to nail it (lived a few hours away), but first insist that she send me a letter, and enclose a few photographs.

letter arrives, i grab the pics before reading.

the first one, absolutely stunning, tanned, slim girl sunbathing in a bikini. *ping* There was a comment scrawled on the back, "Me on holiday couple of years ago"

the second one was a passport picture. It looked like somewhere between the two, she'd been paled in the face with a fucking shovel. Her kisser was a mess. The comment on the back? "Most recent pic"

I decided it would be best to let things fizzle out gently, rather than all-out insult the girl. I adopted this strategy, things were going well.

I then went for a camping weekend with some friends. She was texting me as usual, when i began boozing. I consumed copius amounts of Stella, vodka and weed, and go to sleep.

So I thought.

The next morning, I phone her up. She says, holding back the tears:
"You dont remember what you said to me last night, do you?"
"errr, no, why?"
"flipper with the fat fanny flaps, ring any bells?"
"lol, no..."
"you told me i had the ugliest face youve ever seen, and you'd never want to meet up with me at all"
"oh... i... erm"

At this point, hungover to fuck, not remembering any of this phone call, I'm trying to think if there's anyway possible I could still let her down gently. She interrupts my train of thought.

"so... did you mean it?"


(Fri 17th Mar 2006, 13:58, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

In a Science lesson at school once. The lesson was on 'Forces', and the teacher had set up a practical exercise. She had split up the class into groups of 4, and supplied each group with a bottle of washing up liquid.

"See if you can open the washing up liquid, without touching the lid, using your knowledge of forces."

The other groups discussed at length how to solve the problem. Everyone was somewhat confused, apart from me. I placed the bottle on the floor, and stamped on the side as hard as i could.


Green liquid was plastered all over the floor, the cabinets and up the wall on the new blinds of the Science lab. The class fell silent. Forceful, eh?

I got my first afterschool detention on that fateful day, and was forced to return to the crime scene to assist the teacher in scrubbing the Fairy goodness from the walls of her beloved lab.

No fucker else got the bottle open, I should have got an A+! bitch
(Fri 5th May 2006, 10:50, More)

» Teenage Parties

Teenage Parties eh... one time springs to mind, it probably would've fitted well in the Shame QOTW...

Around the tender age of 16, my mates parents had gone away. We'd been told not to have a house party. So of course, that night, the house was rammed with fuck-knows-who.

Friend and I decide it would be entertaining to see if we could drink 10 pints each. We got the supplies (pint cans of Carling) and embarked on our mission.

After a few hours, we were both leathered. We only just finished the last one, before both chucking up probably the last four down the shithouse, and retiring for some much needed slumber. I crash in his sisters room. Dont worry, she wasn't there... good job, she's a big lad.

Woke up in the morning feeling like death. Peels back the duvet, to reveal the biggest cum stain in the fucking world. Id had a pissed up fwap in my best mates sisters bed. SHIT!

i decided if i ignored it, it would go away. so i went home without saying a word.

Later that day, i told a different mate about my ordeal. He seemed to find it hilarious, and was too busy laughing to offer any advice. Should i come clean? (excuse the pun).

That evening, we returned to the house of fun. My friends decide a bit of interweb trawling was in order. Shame his PC was in his sisters room...

The friend to whom I had confessed earlier that day just couldnt contain it any longer. Did he take my mate aside for a quiet word? Nah. Did he tell him through the medium of dance? Nope. He waited until we were all his sisters bedroom, and ripped off the duvet, to reveal a jizz-stain the size of a small third world country.

I dont know who was the most mortified; me, my mate, or his sister for missing out...

Apologies for length, girth, and surface area
(Thu 13th Apr 2006, 14:56, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

I paid £28 once for a 25 minute boner.

The back and shoulder massage was free.
(Thu 2nd Feb 2006, 13:49, More)

» Essential Items

a large, throbbing
(Fri 28th Oct 2005, 11:00, More)
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