b3ta.com user mark schmark
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» Shame

Faecal Graffiti
WARNING: This is pretty foul.

Whilst studying at Brighton Uni I found myself in the 'Market Diner', a 24 filth hole of a cafe with a staff consisting of 15 year old proto rapists and greasy-haired old hags. It was about 4.00am, I was very drunk.

I had been there many times before and been a lot drunker, but something was different this time.

After finishing my egg and sausage sandwich, I made my excuses to my friends and staggered to the toilets. After a good long drunken piss, something caught my eye; the toilet brush.

In my drunken haze I thought it might be a laugh to check if there was any poo on the end. There was. My actions from this point on are worthy of both revulsion and worship in equal measure; both the greatest and the most terrible thing I have ever done at the same time.

I took the soiled brush and wrote on the tiled wall in foot high letters, as carefully as I could: CLEAN ME

Whenever I look back on this incident, I always try to imagine the expression on the member of staffs face who went in there on a routine toilet roll check and found my dirty, stinking protest.

Can something be both unimaginably foul and breathtakingly beautiful at the same time? I like to think it can...
(Thu 24th Nov 2005, 22:57, More)

» Guilty Laughs

Count yourself lucky...
Many moons ago i was visiting friends down in Brighton. We had been out to all the usual hangouts and met up with a group of people; strangers to me but good buddies with my other friends. After a nights carousing, we went back to one of the girl's flat to get some well-deserved shuteye.

Come morning, we assembled in her bedroom to mull over the previous nights events. As I walked into the room, a hamster cage cage caught my eye.

"Wow, a hamster", I expertly observed, "What's his name?"

Now, the actual name has been lost to the fog of old age and lost brain cells, but it's safe to assume that the name was sufficiently strange for me to pass comment on. Let's say 'Alfonzo'.

"What a strange name for a hamster" (I told you so)

"Yeah, I'm looking after it for my brother. He's got pretty severe learning difficulties and wanted to call it that."

"Count yourself lucky, it could've been called Meerggurrpppeeerrrrdurrrrpp *gurning spaz face and a groaning attempt to eat the back of my head*

The whole room – friends and relative strangers alike – fell silent and, as one, turned their gaping mouths to face me, curled on the floor my face contorted in the ecstacy of an expertly pulled one-liner.

Now, I felt absolutely no guilt or shame at the time. It was hilarious after all. It was only several years when my son was born with brain damage that I felt any sense of what that poor girl must have been going through.

I named him Meerggurrpppeeerrrrdurrrrpp in her honour.
(Thu 22nd Jul 2010, 15:27, More)

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

A few years back…
I started waking up in the middle of the night with earache. I thought nothing of it and just bought some eardrops from Boots, guessing it was probably just earwax. After a week or so the pain was still there, only now accompanied by a ringing sound. I duly booked an appointment with my GP for the next morning and went to bed as normal.

I woke up at my normal time, wondering why my alarm hadn't gone off. I then wondered why I couldn't hear any traffic on the main road outside my house. Then, more than a little panicked I realised I could barely hear anything at all. After a frantic phonecall to my dad (with me shouting to hear my own voice and hearing nothing from him in return) I got picked up and taken to A&E.

After waiting for what felt like hours, wondering how easy sign-language was to learn and if I'd eventually start sounding like a deaf guy, I got the see a nurse. After getting me a drink, and calming me down she asked me the describe the symptoms. I told her "They're all yellow, Homer's fat and Marge has got blue hair."
(Fri 12th Mar 2010, 10:56, More)

» Dad stories

My Dad is bigger than your dad
He's got eight cars and a house in Ireland.
(Thu 25th Nov 2010, 15:40, More)

» Crappy relationships

In my Youth…
I stole my sisters boyfriend. It was all whirlwind, heat and flash. Within a week we killed my parents and hit the road.
(Fri 22nd Oct 2010, 11:43, More)
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