» Shame

Morning Glory
Whilst living at home as a youngster with my parents and siblings I awoke with my usual dawn horn and proceed to crack one off in the privacy of my own bedroom. Deed done I throw soiled tissue into bin and go downstairs for breakfast with the family. A couple of minutes latter the family mutt is pattering into the kitchen with a bunch of tissues proudly clamped in its jaw’s … “Come here Jamie” says my mum bending down while I look on horrified… “What’s that in your mouth.. drop.. drop.. good girl” – my mum then picks up the tissue I’d previously and furiously masturbated into and looks curiously at them! She then proceeds to sniff and touch the contents. I look around everyone else is busy eating their bacon and eggs and I’m nervously looking down at my plate… when I hear an almighty *SLAP* and look up to hear my mum call my bedazzled and confused farther a dirty bastard…. (sorry dad)!
(Tue 29th Nov 2005, 14:40, More)

» Darwin Awards

Tesco
Basically I had moved to Southport and there was a 24hr tesco - first night at the house I needed a few items - tea - milk - boil in the bag kipper and some loo roll - jazz mag - I drove down to tesco it was raining and for some reason in the deserted car park I had to park the furthest away from the doors that I possibly could! - I ran full pelt towards the doors and I thought I would at the last moment plant a full of side ways skid and slide gracefully into the stores anticipating that the sliding automatic doors would err slide open.... except it wasn’t a door it was a full length plate glass window. I shattered the panel and slide unceremoniously into a crumpled pile - my head starting to morphed into something the elephant man would have been proud of... I ended up filling in a rather embarrassing accident form and return home in a daze with tampons, hair remover and a block of cheese.....
(Tue 17th Feb 2009, 13:00, More)

» Darwin Awards

1980 disco light electric shocker !
Back in the 80’s I had a liking to all things electrical – “practical electronics monthly” gave me the horn and I remember one particular project was to make your own “sound to lights” disco unit.

Now to the uninitiated a “sound to light” unit normally consisted of four mains powered coloured bulbs that flash in time to music via the built in microphone – anyway I spent hours grafting on this project and several days later ended up with the finished article – Now to test it!

I plugged it into the mains and fired up a bit of Sam Fox “Touch Me” on the record player and watched awe struck as the lights flash in time to the music - brilliant! Except the bass light didn’t work – I switched the music off and unscrewed the non working bulb – Hmmm how can I test it I thought… common sense was well and truly lacking as I decided to reach in and touch the electrical contacts for the bulb – “one” “two” I whispered into the microphone and sure enough a little bit of a tickle up the arm confirmed that I was getting a voltage but not long enough to cause me any damage.. that is until I decided to test it with “Ghost Busters” by Ray Parker Jnr

The record starts with a very treble like intro which caused the first two lights to come on and then it gets into a very bass like drum bit that sends 240 volts surging up my arm causing me to fly backwards in a whole world of pain with my body stiffer than than gary glitter reading a mother care catalogue……

That ladies and gentlemen is the day I nearly removed my genes from the pool…
(Wed 18th Feb 2009, 15:08, More)