b3ta.com user loismustdie
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» DIY Techno-hacks

Sorry but...
Its been a tough week.
For starters my dog decided it would be funny to piss in my bag. Everything was ruined... everything.
Then my Parents decided to do all of the decorating in the house the same week and everywhere was complete chaos. They couldnt agree on the colour scheme and ultimately decided that they were no longer getting on so have decided to get a divorce.

Two days later my gran died...
Then the internet stopped working
Then we got burgled and the bastards took everything
.. including the key to my locker.
Then I got swine flu and nearly died

... but despite all of this, here you go Miss, here's my Project, right on ti... oh
(Fri 21st Aug 2009, 16:38, More)

» Desperate Times

Porn Editor
Back in the day when I was around 11 or 12, before the wonderful world of the internet my mate and I sent for a free 'Sunday sport porn pics CD-Rom' out of an old porn mag we'd aquired. When it came it was shite. Basically there was no 'full on' hardcore Porn, just 50 odd photos of 'suggestive porn' (you know, bloke with schlong out, woman on all fours with mouth open about a foot away from the said schlong) but no actual penetration of any kind. Not quite sure why this was but needless to say, we'd never seen proper porn, this was our first real chance and we'd been shafted. Bastards!
Anyway, I decided to use my MS Paint skills to doctor the porn to make it look like actual proper penetration porn. I shudder now as I remember the photo of the woman porn star, expertly fellating the male porn star. The male was laying on a bed, the woman had no legs, she was doing a headstand (more like a chin stand) and she appeared to be floating vertically over the male porn stars cock. The realism of it all. Hence my addiction to freaky porn was born.
Ah, happy days.
(Mon 19th Nov 2007, 12:04, More)

» Terrible food

You asked for it sir
In a restaurant in Lido Di Jesolo, a few years ago. Last day of holiday and we'd pretty much exhausted all types/flavours of Pizza on every menu in the whole of northern Italy. Leigh decides he wants them to make a pizza up that is not on the menu. He asks for a seafood pizza. When it arrived, my margherita looked like a wonderful choice. His pizza looked like they'd chucked a net in the sea and just emptied the contents of it onto a 30" diameter tomato puree basted loaf of bread!
Amongst other fishy delights it contained 2 giant prawns (heads included), muscles (in shells), two crispy baby octopuses and what looked like an eel!!! Absolutely everything on this pizza needed something doing to it by hand before eating, (peeling, beheading etc) added to the fact that everything that was inedible on the pizza was covered in tomato puree it was a complete waste of time, he ended up in a right mess.

Of course, he said that this was exactly what he was expecting and that he was going to enjoy it. He cut one of the baby octopuses in half and I tried it (I got the tenticle half). That was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted in my life.

Credit to Leigh, he ate it though (although it may have had something to do with the fact that the chef was stood watching him eat it, with a giant machete in hand whilst probably thinking 'silly eeeenglish twat, I'll teach him to ask for a silly pizza').

He admitted later that 'all he wanted was a few fucking prawns'. Quite amusing at the time but I suppose you had to be there!

Click 'I like this' to give those little baby octopusses deaths some kind of meaning. To be in b3ta's 'best' section of QOTW was all that the little buggers wanted from life.
(Mon 21st May 2007, 14:07, More)

» Bastard Colleagues

My business partner...
... is an utter cnut! A few reasons why...

He has been reported on several occasions for sexual harrassment of female staff, on each occasion he has blamed me for it.

He's been arrested for GBH on a male member of staff and once again he tried to point the finger at me.

I'm sure he's involved in some kind of undeground illegal activities of some kind.

He keeps nicking the soap from the toilets and claiming its 'for testing purposes'.

He constantly brags to other colleagues that he is best mates with Meat Loaf even though I dont think he's ever met him.

He refuses to be anywhere near the office when I'm there.

I dont think I can work with him for much longer.

T Durden
(Tue 29th Jan 2008, 16:36, More)

» Council Cunts

North Derbyshire County Council
Well... you would not believe the fuckin trouble I had trying to get them to put a street sign at the bottom of my road.... none actually. I emailed them and they came and did it within 2 days. Told you that you wouldnt believe me! My council rocks!
(Fri 27th Jul 2007, 16:12, More)
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