» Petty Sabotage

Yet more magnet hysterics
We have these great magnets at the office for pinning up display boards to a perforated steel display area.

They are teh fucking fucking fucking fucking strong.

My favorite game to play with them is to take revenge on noisy mobile phone users on the subway. Wait until the offensive noisy scrotum puts his phone back into his pocket then simply place a few of these magnets in your pocket and stand next to the guy.

That's it, just stand next to him. When he gets of the subway, He'll be minus one phone.

Be careful when sticking these kinds of magnets together, they take your fingers off.

If you put a few in your hand you can disrupt a phone call by standing next to a twat user and pretending to scratch your ear.

Magic.
(Sat 7th May 2005, 4:07, More)

» Petty Sabotage

The little restaurant down the road from me office,
Run by this haggared little slag from Northern China, once served us the wrong food. My friend and I were the only two people in the establishment and when we complained a large bunch of cleaver weilding chefs ran upstairs and demanded 40RMB from us (less than three quid) for the meal, shouting and spiting out sunflower seeds from their rancid teeth the whole time. I left calmly, my crying girlfriend companion in tow.

Obviously these cunts had never met British people before. I went back there the same night at about three am, armed with a pair of plastic gloves, a big turd in a bag, a D-lock (one of those fuck off huge jobs for locking up Motor Bikes)and a drum of cooking oil. Wearing the rubber gloves, I then proceeded to liberally smear the D-lock with my own feaces before clapping it over the adjoining central door handles of the double door at the front. After that I carefully tipped all of the cooking oil into the crack between the two double doors, where it flowed down onto the restaurant floor, which was set about 12 inches below ground level. Then I threw the key down a nearby drain.

To my sheer delight, they were still closed the next day during the lunch time rush. That ought to have knocked a shade more than 40RMB out of their maggotty little pockets.

Thanks B3TA for providing me another opportunity to relate this charming little anecdote. I'm sure I'll be telling this to my grandchildren in years to come.
(Sat 7th May 2005, 3:48, More)

» Claims to Fame

My
sister was the female skater in the Robbie Williams music video, "she's the one". She's not a very worldly lass and when she told us he had to keep nipping off for a cig every five minutes and couldn't shut up about his favorite football team, we all knew the little mucker was off his face on coke the whole time.
(Sun 27th Feb 2005, 13:20, More)

» Dumb things you've done

sticking a chisel in my head
When I was a student me and a mate went out stealing road signs one evening. I was trying to hack off the plastic tag of a "Men at work sign" when, after a slight slip, I discovered that the chisel I had been using was now stuck right between my eyes. I pulled my hand away in horror and the chisel remained where it was for a second or two before slipping out and landing in a patch of sand. Within a few more seconds my entire t-shirt was covered in blood.

Before I turned round to face my friend who had been busy with a sign on the opposite sign of the road I calmly explained the situation and told him not to panic. Then I turned round and he went nuts and called for medics to take me to the hospital.

I was very drunk and smiling and not in too much pain. I told the guys in the van that I had a bit of amnesia and couldn't remember how I sustained the injury.

I got to the hospital. There was a fairly cute girl sitting opposite me in casualty. She had a swollen foot resting in a baisn of warm water. I was trying to chat her up, asking her if she liked my scar and did it make me look rugged. She ignored me.

I got home at about 3:30 and my mate already had the sign stuck on the wall in the flat. Just gave it a bit of a tug and it came off he said.

Bastard. I must have softened it up for him.
(Sun 23rd Dec 2007, 7:17, More)

» Losing it

Talking to myself
I was just walking home. It is late. Really late. When I'm walking home late I let my mind wander a bit. I was actually thinking of this site and that started me thinking about all the chav jokes, and from there onto all of the Chavs in the uk I left behind when I left England eight years ago, so thusly onto the sound of the chav voice. I realized I could not for the life of me remember the accent. I had a go. By the time I was nearing the garden outside my apartment, I was getting pretty good at it. I rather had it down nice and tight when I was walking past the fountain and was saying things like cn y gizza snout chap, and wi'fff y luukin at cuant. I was proud. Anyway I froze mid stride while passing a figure, with a little bright red dot in the middle and a smoky sort of smell. It was a bloke, a chap right there having a smoke. I didn't know what to do. Can I have a bit of that mate? Was all I could think to say. I must have sounded like a lunatic; I'd even started doing some of the hand gesture things they do. I eventually managed while puffing away to explain that I was part of an amature production and was practicing regional diction for a part I was playing. I'm not sure if that made things sound better. In any case he turned out to be a fairly laid back guy from Mauritius and a member of a band I am familiar with. When I got home I wanted to write it up here (since RM and bt3a are partly responsible). Nice that this qotw had been specially laid out for me!
(Fri 22nd Jul 2011, 20:13, More)