» The Weird Kid In Class

I went to a boarding school
and living in boarding houses meant that we were forced to interact with younger and older years, meaning a sharp increase in the number of weird kids, from the asian kid who threatened to have you 'expended' for being racist if you ever took the piss to the fucking mental guy 2 years above who put his head through a security glass door and set fire to his curtains one night in a deodorant experiment.

But still none outshone the real oddball who told us that his two sisters were porn stars in the hope it would make us respect him more. He even brought in pictures on a floppy disc(1 bitmap per disc) of a load of different girls and tried to pass them off as his sisters. Why he thought having pictures of his own sisters naked would gain him respect I'll never know. It didn't.
Nor did telling us that he'd broken someone's arm for bullying his friend and been officially banned from any kind of judo for 2 years, which was about to expire. That lead to people (not me) swinging different objects (from pillows to army boots) at him because he claimed he could easily block them. He couldn't.
He had 2 girlfriends at the school, fair play, that was more than me, but one of them looked like a busty horse with nipples by her knees and the other can only loosely be classed as a girl but is probably a man by now.
My favorite story involving him revolves around his birthday when we decided to be nice to him. unfortunately this meant we couldn't think of a single word to say and ended up eating breakfast in unbearable silence. The silence was so bad that he came out with "I've noticed your not saying anything, would you like me to bully myself?" At this suggestion any thoughts of us being nice to him died and we spent the rest of the day egging him on to be more offensive to and about himself.

I am no longer a complete bastard, but then I haven't met him for a long time.
(Sun 21st Jan 2007, 22:56, More)

» School fights

kung fu error
In year 11 at boarding school I was made dorm prefect of the year 9's dorm. Basically this meant I had to live in a small room inside the much bigger dorm and ensure that the kids were ok, but also behaved at night. Saturday mornings were dedicated to 'activities,' sport for those that way inclined, computer or model making club for others, but this was compulsory. The only positive to Saturdays was the 2 hour lay in allowed, unless you played for the football team, which, being a regular at computer club, I didn't.

Anyway, a number of the kids in my dorm did, and one morning seemed to forget that if they made a lot of noise, I would wake up and be really pissed off, and deal with them in a manner I saw fit. After the first warning most of them shut up, but one of them didn't, and after the third time I sent him to get dressed in the corridor because if he woke me up again I'd be less than impressed. Watched him leave, went back to bed and then heard the sound of the door closing as he re entered the room. This angered me. I waited untilhe was a good distance across the room before leaving my room, so he would not have an easy escape, and charged at him. He ran for the door, and, it looking like he was going to escape, I launched myself into a beautiful (I think) flying kick. There was a crack, and lots of blood, but unfortunately this was my blood, and the crack was my head denting the door frame. Was taken to hospital, missing my bastard lay in, my head was glued shut (whats wrong with stiches?) and to top it off, when I got back to school I was told off for leaving bloody hand prints on the wall and told to wash them off.

I like to think I taught that kid a lesson
(Sun 12th Mar 2006, 1:55, More)

» Fancy Dress

Who?
Went to the uni summer ball last year as Nathan Barley, complete with geek pie wig. I'd say for every 100 people who had no idea who I was there was 1 who shouted "totally fuckin mexico" or "thir-fuckin-teen." I loved those few who knew.

It was well brown
(Mon 16th Jan 2006, 2:33, More)

» Spoooky Coincidence

Spooky Schooldays
My old man is in the Army, and due to constant moving around as a kid, I went to shit loads of different schools, including a couple in Germany. I got pretty sick of this, and after a while I elected to go to boarding school, of which I attended 2.

Was chatting to a mate at school one day and we got onto the subject of crazy teachers, after both describing one in particular we realised we'd been in the same class at a school in Germany. Spoooky... but thats not all

The school we were at produced a tea towel each year with tiny self portraits of each pupil on them. My nan likes to keep these, so the next time I was there I thought I'd have a look for my mate. His little self portrait was right next to mine!

Spooooky with 4 o's
(Sun 11th Feb 2007, 20:54, More)

» Useless advice

My Dad was once sat down
by his very straight laced mother, who, after spending a long time emphasizing the importance of the conversation, told him never ever to wipe his arse on a broken bottle.

I think she may have had a glass of wine
(Sat 21st Oct 2006, 20:52, More)