» Pet Peeves

as a lacky working behind a bar...
... i feel i have quite a large quantity of anger towards my customers. so here goes.

(deep breath)

people who have been standing waiting at the bar for 5 minutes and when i come to serve them the conversation goes along these lines...

me: what can i get you sir?
brainless idiot: pint of tetleys please
me: i'm sorry we don't do tetleys will smiths do??
BI: what? no tetleys. yes smiths then?
(ffs you've been staring at the taps for five minutes - do you see tetleys?)
me: abything else?
BI:oi, sharon what are you having? - a smirnof ice please
me: ok, is that all?
BI: no, a strongbow for the lady.
me: is that all??
bi: dave will you have a guinness?? yes?? a guiness please
Me:


for heavens sake, you've all been standing there for at least 5 minutes, how can you not know what you want to drink by that point?? you are just holding up everyone else and me.

longer than i thought but very theraputic.
(Mon 5th May 2008, 15:07, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

bodger and badger
i don't think they count as heros but i've never been able to watch bodger and badger on the telly since they came to our student union last freshers week. badger was snorting mashed potato and said the worst thing about being in wales was that it was "fucking cold and wet".

i did get a signed picture though.
(Sat 27th May 2006, 17:19, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

working in
a large well known pub chain, i am required to check the toilets hourly. this normally involves making sure there is sufficient bog roll and occasionally flushing after the people that always had their mummy wipe and flush for them. another common problem is people using too much toilet paper and blocking the toilet or deliberately blocking the toilet for the purpose of crimping one out one top (but why??)

this however involves the largest poo i have ever seen. it was as fat as a pint glass and very resistant to flushing. i gave up flushing after 5 tries and left it for the cleaners to deal with in the morning.

girls are equally disgusting though. i've seen glasses put down loos on top of shit and worse.

length?? - must have been round the bend, but it's all about the girth....
(Mon 31st Mar 2008, 3:56, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

dentists and opticians
i think i notice a re-occuring theme here.

my dentist is a stunning swedish girl - all you need in a dentist.

and like others, its all i can do not to burst out laughing when the stunning lady optician looks deep in my eyes.

\\relurks
(Thu 2nd Feb 2006, 17:00, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

smile, you thieving BLANK
really can't be bothered to trawl through 15 pages to see if it's been posted yet but one i see regularly on my way home from uni. as you leave wolverhampton on the train towards birminghan there is graffitied on a wall on some waste land in 3 foot lettering

"Smile your [sic] on cctv
you thieving ****"

the last word has actually been blanked out by someone, but i can imagine what it might have been.
(Fri 4th May 2007, 10:50, More)