» Crap meals out

brewers fayre
I got forced to attend a family meal in a brewers fayre crappy restaurant, aged 17. everything looked crap, so I opted for curry. later that night I began to vomit. And shit. and vomit some more. somtimes at the same time as shitting. A trip to A&E got me a prescription for some anti-vomiting drugs which wouldn't stay down because i was vomiting so much. at 10am the following day I collapse and fall down the stairs and am rushed to the doctors by my concerned mother. I am still wearing my vomit covered pyjamas and have known the doctor a while (he's the dad of a friend since i was 11), so it's a bit embarassing. I am rushed to his office where I vomit some bile over his desk. He decides that I need to go to hospital and arranges for me to be seen straight away. on arrival the nice lady doctor shoves a suppository up my arse and I pass out. much much later I wake up in a strange bed attached to a load of drips and still feeling the need to vomit. I press the button to call the nurse who duly arrives holding the worlds tiniest cardboard thing for me to puke in. I have a massive retch and cover the poor nurse in my puke. Then slowly oh so slowly, it dawns on me that I know this nurse. She is the mother of my brand new boyfriend.
she never liked me after that.

They analysed my blood and stools and decided that my food poisoning had been caused by the ingestion of human excrement. So the food in Brewers Fayre is offically shit.

I was in hospital for ten days and lost 2 and half stone!
(Thu 27th Apr 2006, 14:53, More)

» Shame

shame
my loving partner has something of a phobia about oral sex, and after months of reassurance, he was finally going down on me, when at the vital moment I let rip a stinky curry smelling fart right in his face. that was two years ago, we are still together but he still refuses to pleasure me orally.
This is the same man who once farted so loudly his flatmate came running in from the lounge as she thought furniture had fallen on us.
(Fri 25th Nov 2005, 16:53, More)

» School Sports Day

joint last forever!
I spent my primary school years in the worlds smallest village primary, in a village were no one ever forgets anything. there were a grand total of 18 kids in my class and sports day always filled me with fear and loathing as I am just not built for sport and neither was my best friend. Hence we agreed to walk each and every event holding hands and just enjoy being last in everything together, with none of that pressure to win or even try. the teachers cottoned on to our plan quite quickly and forced us back to the start line of the sprint area with the instruction that 'you WILL run.' so we looked at each other, ran half way down the track...and sat down. we got sent back to the classroom for being cheeky, and spent the afternoon doing quiet reading which was much more our style anyway! twenty years later, I am still reminded of this day by the people of the village who witnessed it. not much of an urban legend but a small hamletty one.
(Fri 31st Mar 2006, 10:55, More)

» Urban Legends

d'oh
that Marilyn Manson was the geeky kid in the Wonder years...

*hangs head in shame*
(Thu 5th Jan 2006, 16:51, More)

» Birthdays

happy birthday
My boyfriend of 8 months dumped me on my birthday. Just after giving me the birthday bumps and a card. On the tube home I got elbowed in face by a fellow passenger who managed to break my contact lens while it was still in my eye. After rinsing my eye with about a million galleons of sterile water and still being able to feel a piece of lens in my eye I had to go to A&E as I had no doctor. after waiting there for ages they referred me to Moorfields Eye hospital, so part blinded I got on the tube and went there. 4 hours later they squirted orange dye into my eye and poked round the back of my eyeball with something that may or may not have been a cotton bud. Thanks to the lengthy waits I missed my own 21st birthday party.
(Fri 9th Dec 2005, 11:30, More)