b3ta.com user Mr Timmels
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Lo. My name is Tim, and I cannot lie - I'd really, really like some pie. I am a 'newb'. I enjoy reading the stories of b3ta so much, that I waited until I was good and ready before signing up to post my own stories of my miserable, unimportant life. Then I found out that I won't actually be able to post for nearly a week. Probably for the best... Wankers.

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» My computer gave away my secrets

Back in the gay when I was about 12-ish, I remember hearing a lot about this thing called a 'clitoris' and how hard it is to find, and how men are often such rubbish lovers because of it. So, being the thoughtful guy I am, I decided I'd get a headstart on it all, by learning allll about it before I'd even seen a woman's ladybits. Unfortunately, this was at a time when the only computer that could access the internet in our home was my dad's laptop. That didn't stop me from going on yahoo.com, searching 'Clitoris', and printing out several pages on how to pleasure a lady with your tongue. Well, when I say that I printed it, what I mean is that I pressed the print button. For whatever reason, nothing printed (the problem was probably something pretty basic , like the computer not being connected to a printer). A day or so later, my dad was fiddling about on his computer, and something started printing. Just as I entered the room.
"So Tim, would you like these pages on the clitoris then?" I stood there trembling like a leaf, my eyes wide like a rabbit caught in headlights. I left the room, saying nothing.

Fast forward to 7 years later - we now have a family computer where everyone has their own drive that no one else can access. My dad also has 2 computers of his own in the same room, which I think he uses for work. or something. I dunno, we never know what the hell he's doing. Either way, one day the internet stopped working; I did what I always did, which was to check if it was a problem with the family computer or with the router - I did this by checking if my dad's computer could access the internet. Cue me typing in 'www.' and seeing a list including 'Debbies Massages'. Being the curious young lad I am, I checked this site and found that it is in fact a prostitute site for our local area. Nice. (btw, can't remember the url; I'm at Uni now, so most pron-based sites are blocked. But I think it was www.debbiesmassage.com).
The way the computer screens are situated, I can see anything that my dad is looking at with a quick glance to my right, whilst he can't see what I'm looking at unless he gets up and stands behind me. A few days after finding the website on his computer, I actually caught him looking at it, while I was in the room. A few months later, he took a trip to Amsterdam by himself; I don't think he just went for the drugs.
(Mon 13th Feb 2006, 12:42, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

My sister gave me the horn
I'm 19, my sister is 16. We generally get on well and hug a lot and stuff. I'm a weird person, so occasionally I will poke people in the cheek, or bite their arm, or things like that.

Now, I found out recently that when my girlfriend licks my ear, it gets me in the mood *instantly*. I have no idea why, but it means she can (and does) turn me on at the most inappropriate times.

As I said, my sister and I hug each other and poke each other and bite each other. So one time she bit my ear, and I got insatiably horny. This was not good. We don't speak so much these days...

Edit: I really do hope she doesn't check these pages anymore.
(Mon 6th Feb 2006, 12:25, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

I have had an inguinal hernia for about 5 years; next week, it is finally getting operated on. For those who don't know , an inguinal hernia is basically where there's a hole in my abdominal wall, and my intestines are coming down into my scrotum. As I said, I've been suffering this for a number of years; the trouble is, it's not always there. Sometimes, I'll be completely healthy and normal, then without warning, my intestines will suddenly come down. It is very very painful.

Anyway, I first went to the doctor about this, around 3 years ago. The night before I went to the doctor, the hernia was really bad. At the time, I had no idea what it was; it was just a strange and painful lump in my balls - I described it to people as being like having 3 testicles. Of course, when I woke up the next morning, it was completely fine - my genitalia looked totally normal. The doctor thought I was MAD. But he felt my testicles anyway, just to make sure. To be on the safe side, he referred me to the hospital to have an ultrasound. At the ultrasound, I had 2 more men feeling me up - only this time, there was the added thrill of them lathering me up with jelly. Erotic. The ultrasound found nothing, and they pretty much concluded that I was making it up.

A few months later, it was really bad and I went to the doctor again; the difference was that this time, I researched on the internet beforehand, and found that what I had fitted the description of a hernia. So after the doc felt my balls for a bit (again, sadly, the strange lump just wasn't there at the time), I said "Do you think that maybe it could be hernia?". The words were barely out of my mouth, when he shot down that suggestion with a swift "No, definitely not." So there was that theory gone.

Within the last year, I've had another 3 men feel my testes at different points - the first was a doctor (AGAIN, no symptoms when I went to see him), who took my suggestion of a hernia a bit more seriously when I told him that I have to take Ibuprofen 3 to 4 times a week, to dull the pain. So he said that next time it happens, I should go to Casualty. So of course, off I go to Casualty, this time with my girlfriend, who is standing right next to me as this man caresses my testicles; she later said that she thought he was being rough with them, but started taking mental notes when I told her that it felt nice. So yeah, he confirmed it was a hernia, as I had suspected for the previous 3 years. I went to the doctor a few months after, just for a check-up to make sure that I needed surgery. That doctor kept doing loads of tests; he would hold my balls and say 'cough', and then hold my balls in a slightly different way, and ask me to cough again. He was so gentle.

Anyway, in conclusion, I never suffered a hard-on while any of those men were feeling me up. I still can't believe that I went to the doctor/hospital about it so many times, and not once was felt up by a woman. Madness

Apologies for length, but your dead mother rarely complains
(Fri 3rd Feb 2006, 16:50, More)

» Intense Friendships

Well, my girlfriend has a friend at Uni, a gay fella. He got her drunk the other week, and slept with her. I'd say that's a pretty intense friendship.
(Tue 1st Aug 2006, 0:33, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

Plyck, I get that too... My girlfriend is very emotional, and so I've seen her cry quite a few times. And I always start getting hard when she cries. I worry that it's because the idea of rape turns me on. I think I will need to test out that theory, and report back later.
(Mon 6th Feb 2006, 12:40, More)
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