» My first love

My love life is essentially a train wreck.
I had a girlfriend when I was five, I think, but I can't remember anything at all about that at all, and I had a couple of crushes around 11 or 12, but nothing interesting happened there, and they weren't really serious, just "hey, she's nice looking" or "hey, she acts nice to me". Skipping over those, because there's really nothing of note there.

Anyway, that moves me to when I was 13, I was chronically unpopular at my last school, and thusly I was a paranoid little bugger.

There was a girl who I thought was very attractive (I still think she's the most beautiful person I've ever met) who asked me out via a messenger, thinking it was a joke, I said, "No." - realising by her reaction that it was, in fact, serious, I swiftly proceeded to be too shy to actually say that.

Second girl, also very attractive, pinched my arse on the way to Art, and pinned me agaisnt the wall and tried to kiss me. Being the complete twat I was, I thought it was all a joke - again. Naturally, it had to all be a dare.

Nevertheless, my affection for this girl, who I spoke to, maybe once a month (this trend has continued in the years since, she's very pleasant to speak to, but I never really see her), grew and grew.

Late in the year, her friends realised that she fancied me, and said loudly in earshot that she fancied me, and she replied, "Well, so what?"

Instead of doing what would be correct, I swiftly proceeded to get hit by the paranoia and the shyness again, "this can't be true, must go away to think it through" and "oh my god, it's mutual! ... shame I'm such a pussy."

For the next few weeks, friends of hers said that she fancied me, I still couldn't believe it, and completely failed to act.

Then, girl number one surfaced again, she asked me to a party, obvious in retrospect that she still liked me and took my rejection of the other girl as affirmation that I was available.

Unfortunently, I failed to pick up on that at the time, and began to fall in love with her at that point. Although we became firm friends, I hadn't gained enough confidence to ask her out, before I did, she moved on and got a boyfriend.

I'm not sure what happened there, she's still got one now, but I'm not sure if he's the same one. Unfortunently my year off with cancer somewhat disrupted my knowledge of current social events.

Anyway, here I am now, with the same love (or maybe it's just an exceptionally resilient crush, whatever) for two years, hoping that she breaks up with her current boyfriend at some point, so that I can at least tell her, without looking like a total dick.
(Tue 25th Oct 2005, 22:25, More)