b3ta.com user i_am_man
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» Heckles

Double Bass
Jim Tarave, comedian from ITV sketch show, does he's act with a double bass. This managed to produce the legendary heckle of "Fuck me, it's a midget with a fiddle."
(Thu 6th Apr 2006, 18:58, More)

» Ignoring Instructions

Reason for not following instructions
When I was young I went to the toliet on my own and was greeted with a sign that said 'wet floor'. I thought it was an instruction and wondered why my Dad was so annoyed when he came in 2 minutes later.

I've not followed instructions since.
(Tue 9th May 2006, 16:35, More)

» Putting the Fun in Funeral

Jungless in the place, Jungless on the case, Scooter are you ready
My nethew died in a car crash. He was 8. They played his favourite song at the funeral, Scooter - The Logical Song. Sat there in the funeral with lyrics of scooter blairing out of the loudspeakers and family crying all around me. So very surreal.
(Fri 12th May 2006, 16:11, More)

» Work Experience

If at first you don't succeed . . .
Job 1 - Data entry for a company sold toy cars through mail order.
They wanted me to move customer data from one computer system to different computer system. They were imagining that printing the data and keying it back in was the way forward, and were looking to use me for couple of weeks. I wrote a script that did the job in 10 mins. Was promptly fired.
Job 2 - Newspaper cashier.
First day was on new years day and after celebrating birthday the night before (I'm a new years eve baby) was turned away as I stunk of alcohol and "had a bad attitude".
Job 3 - Plant Hire Site.
They told me most people quit on the first day. First day consisted of jet washing port-a-loos that had just come back from a gay music festival. Quit after first day.
Job 4 - Deli Sandwich Maker.
Had a 40 year age gap on the rest of the staff. Head sandwich maker shouted at me because I wasn't making sandwiches fast enough. I said I prefered to make good sandwiches rather than rushed ones. Asked not to come back.

At which point decided that going to uni was a good move.
(Sat 12th May 2007, 1:58, More)

» Council Cunts

I once sat in a meeting for a parish council
I was asked to keep the minutes. The discussed various issues for 4 hours! Afterwards only one thing was decided, where to have the next meeting.

Aparantly that was the standard . . .
(Sat 28th Jul 2007, 9:36, More)
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